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<blockquote data-quote="Wish" data-source="post: 738252" data-attributes="member: 23140"><p>I'm just wondering, while I support keeping very firm boundries regardless of past mistakes we made as parents, does that mean we should not try to atleast make amends and help our children deal with the problems they suffered because of our mistakes? Helping them emotionally. Not physically or financially.</p><p></p><p>When I read this part of your story Blue, it struck a chord with me. I will explain why. It's a whole long story but I will try to make it as short as possible. My brother is a very abusive man. Very abusive. His wife (not really married but been together for 10 years but I am just going to call her wife because writting babies mama is too many words) is also very abusive in different ways and while you didn't mention abuse and only cheating, I think this might still be a similar story. A story in my own family that breaks my heart.</p><p></p><p>My brother and his wife have two children together. My nephew is 9 years old now has witnessed more than any child should have to witness, but my brother and his wife swear that he doesn't see most of it. Even if he didn't see it most of it, which is completely untrue, because he does in fact see all of it, children know all. They know exactly what is going on, no matter how much you try to hide it. Actually, the more you hide it, the more they know.</p><p></p><p>Anyway, my nephew love his mother so much, so , so much. He loves his Mama, period and I don't think she sees it because she is too imersed in the dysfunction of her relationship with my brother. Actually, I think she does see it , but chooses not to care. My nephew as a young child and much younger than the age of what your son witnessed, witnessed his mother being treated like total trash by my brother. My nephew naturally took his mother's side and tried to protect her many times (just picture a young boy trying to protect his mama) what would happen was, my nephew got severely punished for that. She took his father's side over her son's side when all he was trying to do was protect her. This has broken my heart and continues to break my heart. Up until 2 months ago, I have been like a third parent in my niece and nephews lives. Babysitting them, taking them to school and games. Taking them to the doctors. I have been heavily involved in their lives.</p><p></p><p>This is a huge gripe that I have with wife and she knows it. I use to feel so sorry for her until after 8 years, I realized she was just playing me to get sympathy and use the fact that I would side with her to rub into my brothers face. She was just much as part of the toxic relationship as my brother. She had me convinced she used to stay with him out of fear and that was such a big joke. She abuses my brother just the same. Not to mention she was disrespectful to me and was so nasty to me many times as she is to others. She is very rude. She has a bad attitude but knows how to extract sympathy and play the victim. She loves to start fights with people, me included and so does my brother. They are those types of people and that's when they bond the most is when they team up and bully somebody and they would do that to me a lot. They are addicted to their relationship, their dysfunction and pulling people into it like myself to try and take their side. They even pull their own kids into it, including my middle nephew that we are talking about. The only reason why I am telling this part of the story is in case anyone decides to have sympathy for her and starts to make excuses for her because I did that for 8 years and I have to go to therapy for that because used and abused me. I did everything for her and she and my brother would attack me and bully me oftenly.</p><p></p><p> Bluebell, I just want to be clear, I am no way comparing that part of their story to yours. It was information that had to be given because I knew I was going to be asked or made to address it so I thought I would get it all over with, with one shot.</p><p></p><p>Ok now back to the point at hand. While your sitaution doesn't seem at all to be as extreme as my family's situation, it still is pretty bad. It is very hard for a little boy to see his mama get hurt. It must have really hurt him to see his own father hurt you the way he did by stepping out of the marriage to cheat on you and it must have really hurt him when you decided to stay with him. It must have made him feel you choose your husband over him, your son, the one who loved you so much and just wanted to protect you. I can only imagine how that must have made him feel. Again, the reason why I am so tunned into this is because I have witnessed this, with my nephew trying to protect his mama for 9 years and it has definitely made him act out. I can write a whole book on it on how much it has devestaed him and myself as an aunt watching in being powerless to help this little boy who is my blood. I often wonder what his future is going to be like and I know deep in my heart, one day they are going to have the conversation "Mom, why did you stay with him??? Why are you still with him with how he has treated you???? I defended you and loved you and you still choose him over me!!! I would have protected you!" <strong><em><u>and he would have every right in the world to feel like that.</u></em></strong> And sadly, knowing her, SHE still stay with my brother which in essence, will make my nephew feel like she has chosen his father over him. And I know that's when his life is going to fall apart. I have seen the future ever since he was born. I can only hope that he seeks me out and I can help him in any way because my brother and his wife have casted me out of their life because I couldn't take their drama anymore and it's been killing me ever since because I love my nieces and nephews like they were my own children.</p><p></p><p>Now I want to be clear before anyone jumps down my throat (yikes) that in no way shape or form should you tolerate his abuse or allow him to come back home. I would be passionately against it! I am just wondering if you could help him with some of his issues regarding your husband, his father. It must be burdening him more than you know.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Wish, post: 738252, member: 23140"] I'm just wondering, while I support keeping very firm boundries regardless of past mistakes we made as parents, does that mean we should not try to atleast make amends and help our children deal with the problems they suffered because of our mistakes? Helping them emotionally. Not physically or financially. When I read this part of your story Blue, it struck a chord with me. I will explain why. It's a whole long story but I will try to make it as short as possible. My brother is a very abusive man. Very abusive. His wife (not really married but been together for 10 years but I am just going to call her wife because writting babies mama is too many words) is also very abusive in different ways and while you didn't mention abuse and only cheating, I think this might still be a similar story. A story in my own family that breaks my heart. My brother and his wife have two children together. My nephew is 9 years old now has witnessed more than any child should have to witness, but my brother and his wife swear that he doesn't see most of it. Even if he didn't see it most of it, which is completely untrue, because he does in fact see all of it, children know all. They know exactly what is going on, no matter how much you try to hide it. Actually, the more you hide it, the more they know. Anyway, my nephew love his mother so much, so , so much. He loves his Mama, period and I don't think she sees it because she is too imersed in the dysfunction of her relationship with my brother. Actually, I think she does see it , but chooses not to care. My nephew as a young child and much younger than the age of what your son witnessed, witnessed his mother being treated like total trash by my brother. My nephew naturally took his mother's side and tried to protect her many times (just picture a young boy trying to protect his mama) what would happen was, my nephew got severely punished for that. She took his father's side over her son's side when all he was trying to do was protect her. This has broken my heart and continues to break my heart. Up until 2 months ago, I have been like a third parent in my niece and nephews lives. Babysitting them, taking them to school and games. Taking them to the doctors. I have been heavily involved in their lives. This is a huge gripe that I have with wife and she knows it. I use to feel so sorry for her until after 8 years, I realized she was just playing me to get sympathy and use the fact that I would side with her to rub into my brothers face. She was just much as part of the toxic relationship as my brother. She had me convinced she used to stay with him out of fear and that was such a big joke. She abuses my brother just the same. Not to mention she was disrespectful to me and was so nasty to me many times as she is to others. She is very rude. She has a bad attitude but knows how to extract sympathy and play the victim. She loves to start fights with people, me included and so does my brother. They are those types of people and that's when they bond the most is when they team up and bully somebody and they would do that to me a lot. They are addicted to their relationship, their dysfunction and pulling people into it like myself to try and take their side. They even pull their own kids into it, including my middle nephew that we are talking about. The only reason why I am telling this part of the story is in case anyone decides to have sympathy for her and starts to make excuses for her because I did that for 8 years and I have to go to therapy for that because used and abused me. I did everything for her and she and my brother would attack me and bully me oftenly. Bluebell, I just want to be clear, I am no way comparing that part of their story to yours. It was information that had to be given because I knew I was going to be asked or made to address it so I thought I would get it all over with, with one shot. Ok now back to the point at hand. While your sitaution doesn't seem at all to be as extreme as my family's situation, it still is pretty bad. It is very hard for a little boy to see his mama get hurt. It must have really hurt him to see his own father hurt you the way he did by stepping out of the marriage to cheat on you and it must have really hurt him when you decided to stay with him. It must have made him feel you choose your husband over him, your son, the one who loved you so much and just wanted to protect you. I can only imagine how that must have made him feel. Again, the reason why I am so tunned into this is because I have witnessed this, with my nephew trying to protect his mama for 9 years and it has definitely made him act out. I can write a whole book on it on how much it has devestaed him and myself as an aunt watching in being powerless to help this little boy who is my blood. I often wonder what his future is going to be like and I know deep in my heart, one day they are going to have the conversation "Mom, why did you stay with him??? Why are you still with him with how he has treated you???? I defended you and loved you and you still choose him over me!!! I would have protected you!" [B][I][U]and he would have every right in the world to feel like that.[/U][/I][/B] And sadly, knowing her, SHE still stay with my brother which in essence, will make my nephew feel like she has chosen his father over him. And I know that's when his life is going to fall apart. I have seen the future ever since he was born. I can only hope that he seeks me out and I can help him in any way because my brother and his wife have casted me out of their life because I couldn't take their drama anymore and it's been killing me ever since because I love my nieces and nephews like they were my own children. Now I want to be clear before anyone jumps down my throat (yikes) that in no way shape or form should you tolerate his abuse or allow him to come back home. I would be passionately against it! I am just wondering if you could help him with some of his issues regarding your husband, his father. It must be burdening him more than you know. [/QUOTE]
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