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met him for lunch
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 738256" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>You see. (Speaking for myself only. I did not make that clear.)</p><p></p><p>At first I detached because I believed it would have a result for him. I did not really get the idea of boundaries or detachment. I thought it was a manipulation technique to get him to live in the way I thought was best for him.</p><p></p><p>It is only after years that I understand that boundaries protect ME. That I have an independent value, apart from him. That while it matters that he does better, it should not matter more than I matter to myself.</p><p></p><p>I came to see that because I did not act or think from this central construct, my lack of self-interest or self-sacrifice, if you will, could be a contributing factor in the whole dynamic. He was the power center. Not because he asserted power, but because everything revolved around him. His happiness or effectiveness became in a sense, my g-d. I worshiped at his altar. I trained him to be the way he is. I see it. I am not blaming myself, but I see it.</p><p></p><p>But the thing is. My son is acting badly. He is living badly. That remains the main event. He treats us badly because he treats himself worse. Is this related to my own treatment of myself? I do not know.</p><p></p><p>I lost track of my point.</p><p></p><p>The question I have is this: if there is an abuse of power, how do you make relationship, if the other person does not recognize you as a separate person of value, does not respect themselves enough to demand conduct worthy of self-respect, and is not responsible in their relationship to you or to themselves? How do we do this, is what I am asking.</p><p></p><p>The very firm boundaries are no longer FOR THEM. They are not "good parenting 101."</p><p></p><p>They have become survival. They have become ME FIRST. Not just me first, but me with you away from here. They have become: STAY AWAY from me, because I want to survive. And I want to live a little bit longer.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 738256, member: 18958"] You see. (Speaking for myself only. I did not make that clear.) At first I detached because I believed it would have a result for him. I did not really get the idea of boundaries or detachment. I thought it was a manipulation technique to get him to live in the way I thought was best for him. It is only after years that I understand that boundaries protect ME. That I have an independent value, apart from him. That while it matters that he does better, it should not matter more than I matter to myself. I came to see that because I did not act or think from this central construct, my lack of self-interest or self-sacrifice, if you will, could be a contributing factor in the whole dynamic. He was the power center. Not because he asserted power, but because everything revolved around him. His happiness or effectiveness became in a sense, my g-d. I worshiped at his altar. I trained him to be the way he is. I see it. I am not blaming myself, but I see it. But the thing is. My son is acting badly. He is living badly. That remains the main event. He treats us badly because he treats himself worse. Is this related to my own treatment of myself? I do not know. I lost track of my point. The question I have is this: if there is an abuse of power, how do you make relationship, if the other person does not recognize you as a separate person of value, does not respect themselves enough to demand conduct worthy of self-respect, and is not responsible in their relationship to you or to themselves? How do we do this, is what I am asking. The very firm boundaries are no longer FOR THEM. They are not "good parenting 101." They have become survival. They have become ME FIRST. Not just me first, but me with you away from here. They have become: STAY AWAY from me, because I want to survive. And I want to live a little bit longer. [/QUOTE]
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