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Missing my kiddo........
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<blockquote data-quote="slsh" data-source="post: 191933" data-attributes="member: 8"><p>Steely,</p><p> </p><p>Please don't think that because of your son's age it should be any easier for you. Please. There's no hierarchy of parental pain with some parents more entitled to their pain than others. Placing a child in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is incredibly difficult, regardless of age and regardless of how many times s/he's been placed. </p><p> </p><p>I'll share what I remember about thank you's first placement and how we both reacted. I was adrift and forlorn for months, even with being able to visit him. There was (still is) a hole in my home where he was supposed to be. I felt *incredibly* guilty anytime I smiled or laughed or enjoyed myself. How could I? What mother can be happy when their child isn't home? But life goes on. We cannot put our own lives on hold indefinitely while we wait for our children to participate in their treatment. It took probably a solid 6 months before I could have a happy moment without immediately bursting into tears.</p><p> </p><p>thank you was okay for about 2 weeks and then the tearful phone calls started, begging me to let him come home. What was left of my broken heart was completely shredded during that period. He made all kinds of promises to "behave", to not be violent, etc. Then he moved on to how "horrible" the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and staff were. I am so thankful for this board and the parents who had already been thru it - they helped me to stay strong and to remember what the goal was - for thank you to be able to manage his emotions appropriately and learn how to function. We didn't place thank you in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for us, we did it for him. And no matter how many promises he made or how tearful he was, if we had caved in and brought him home during that adjustment period, we would have been doing it for *us*, not for him. By that time, we'd had 15 admissions, 5 years of therapy, multiple medication changes and educational placements; we'd tried it all. We simply could not keep thank you (and ourselves) safe at home, much less get him to engage in any meaningful treatment. I think I will always carry the mother guilt of somehow having failed him, of not being strong enough or good enough to have been able to keep him home, but that's a self-indulgent luxury on my part - the bottom line is that for *whatever* reason, we could not provide thank you with what he needed here.</p><p> </p><p>After a rather long hiatus (his choice), thank you's been home 2 of the last 3 weekends. I look at this remarkable young man of mine and I have a huge ache over the fact that he has spent almost full half of his life out of my home now. I can be an emotional sap and it's hard not to go to the "if only"s, you know? If only I had been better, stronger, etc. But at the same time, while he's still not making the best choices in the world, he *is* functioning. He's not violent. He's occasionally even being responsible. While he refuses to accept his diagnosis, at the same time he does acknowledge that medication helps and I'm cautiously hopeful that he'll continue treatment into adulthood. </p><p> </p><p>I don't know where he'd be if we had somehow managed to keep him home. Maybe better, maybe worse. We do the very best that we can, Steely. I think if we keep our kids' needs at the forefront, we have a decent chance of not messing things up too badly.</p><p> </p><p>Allow yourself to miss him, mourn that he isn't home. But remember that his world has not stopped - hopefully more doors are opening for him now. Be gentle to yourself, hon, but don't let your world stop for too long.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="slsh, post: 191933, member: 8"] Steely, Please don't think that because of your son's age it should be any easier for you. Please. There's no hierarchy of parental pain with some parents more entitled to their pain than others. Placing a child in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is incredibly difficult, regardless of age and regardless of how many times s/he's been placed. I'll share what I remember about thank you's first placement and how we both reacted. I was adrift and forlorn for months, even with being able to visit him. There was (still is) a hole in my home where he was supposed to be. I felt *incredibly* guilty anytime I smiled or laughed or enjoyed myself. How could I? What mother can be happy when their child isn't home? But life goes on. We cannot put our own lives on hold indefinitely while we wait for our children to participate in their treatment. It took probably a solid 6 months before I could have a happy moment without immediately bursting into tears. thank you was okay for about 2 weeks and then the tearful phone calls started, begging me to let him come home. What was left of my broken heart was completely shredded during that period. He made all kinds of promises to "behave", to not be violent, etc. Then he moved on to how "horrible" the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and staff were. I am so thankful for this board and the parents who had already been thru it - they helped me to stay strong and to remember what the goal was - for thank you to be able to manage his emotions appropriately and learn how to function. We didn't place thank you in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for us, we did it for him. And no matter how many promises he made or how tearful he was, if we had caved in and brought him home during that adjustment period, we would have been doing it for *us*, not for him. By that time, we'd had 15 admissions, 5 years of therapy, multiple medication changes and educational placements; we'd tried it all. We simply could not keep thank you (and ourselves) safe at home, much less get him to engage in any meaningful treatment. I think I will always carry the mother guilt of somehow having failed him, of not being strong enough or good enough to have been able to keep him home, but that's a self-indulgent luxury on my part - the bottom line is that for *whatever* reason, we could not provide thank you with what he needed here. After a rather long hiatus (his choice), thank you's been home 2 of the last 3 weekends. I look at this remarkable young man of mine and I have a huge ache over the fact that he has spent almost full half of his life out of my home now. I can be an emotional sap and it's hard not to go to the "if only"s, you know? If only I had been better, stronger, etc. But at the same time, while he's still not making the best choices in the world, he *is* functioning. He's not violent. He's occasionally even being responsible. While he refuses to accept his diagnosis, at the same time he does acknowledge that medication helps and I'm cautiously hopeful that he'll continue treatment into adulthood. I don't know where he'd be if we had somehow managed to keep him home. Maybe better, maybe worse. We do the very best that we can, Steely. I think if we keep our kids' needs at the forefront, we have a decent chance of not messing things up too badly. Allow yourself to miss him, mourn that he isn't home. But remember that his world has not stopped - hopefully more doors are opening for him now. Be gentle to yourself, hon, but don't let your world stop for too long. [/QUOTE]
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