Mom needing desperate help!

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Sheryl Shepherd, Aug 2, 2015.

  1. Queenlette

    Queenlette New Member

    I have a major issue my 8 year old keeps stealing food and its causing issues of my husband wanting to not even be around him at all this is his step son. We have told oit 8 year old numerous of times that he does not have to steal food. We feed him and we even told him if he wants something ask. Its stressing me out real bad because my husband has threatened to leqve. I don't if if its because of his ADHD or what is causing him to do it!! :(
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Hi, and welcome.
    Sorry you need us but glad you found us.

    If you are using your real name as your "board" name, please change it. This is an anonymous board. It is for your own protection.

    Can you tell us more about your son? What was he like as a baby? What is he like in school? Has he ever been diagnosed and if so by what kind of specialist? Any mental health issues run on either side of his biological family tree?
  3. Queenlette

    Queenlette New Member

    Yes. At school as you can see he is being retained in the first grade since he is way behind. He has his moments when he has his outburst and gets frustrated. Before I met my husband I was a single mother and my 8 year old really didn't have a farther figure in his life at all. I have a 6 year old also who has moderate autism which is also my husbands step son then we have a one year who is my husbands biological child. I was adopted as a baby because my biological mother did drugs when she was pregnant with me so pretty much I was born with the drugs in my system only issues I had was speech issues which I still have and I had a learning disability which now I have my Associates and working on my Bachelors. So I don't if that has to do with it he was born full term and was a healthy baby. He has a Neurologist that he goes to and that's how he got diagnosed with ADHD he takes medication for it also.
  4. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Does he hoard the food, that is hide it? Is he hungry? Are there snacks out that he can eat? Can he help himself to fruit, or milk and crackers, if he appropriately eats this and cleans up after himself? Does he ask for food and is he denied it?

    How is it that an 8 year old would be considered to be stealing food in his own home? Does somebody own the food? Is it not freely his, too?

    Why would your husband threaten to leave you over this? Do you want a husband like this?

    Are there other marital issues that your son sees or senses? Could he be maybe reacting to those?

    You seem fearful your husband will leave you. Maybe that is what needs to be faced, before you can help your son. You may need to confront your own situation.

    Your child is helpless without you. He is defenseless. If you feel unable to care for him or you feel your marriage is your priority perhaps that needs to be faced first.

    Your son may have unmet needs, much beyond the craving and needing of food. He may need something from you, his mother.

    I believe you need to make a decision about where you stand. Your son needs you.
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2015
  5. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Has he ever had a comprehensive evaluation? The kind that take HOURS (6-10) and tons of forms, and usually multiple appointments? If not... he probably needs that.

    School will not give him any breaks or services or accommodations unless there is a solid diagnosis. ADHD is a pretty generic diagnosis - sometimes that's all there is, but ADHD symptoms are also part of quite a few other disorders and challenges. Food stealing and/or food hoarding are NOT part of ADHD.
  6. Queenlette

    Queenlette New Member

    We always have snacks on hand that he can get like I have mentioned we have told him if he wants something he can always ask to get it. Around here we try not to give our kids to many sweets. We feed him. Its not the fact that he takes it its just he eats the whole thing. My two boys love my husband. We show all our kids the same amount of love. I don't know what it is. I work and my husband stays at home with the kids and I try to spend time with all three of my boys. He has never had a comprehensive evaluation.
  7. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    What kind of food does he "steal" - cakes, cookies, sugary stuff? What else is unusual about his behavior?
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    'As soon as I started reading, I wondered if this child is also on the autism spectrum. Has he ever been evaluated by a neuropsychologist?
    Ok, I see his hasn't.
    Find a neuropsychologist (not a neurologist, it is different) and have him thoroughly evaluated. There is more going on here than ADHD. Don't expect t he school or a pediatrician or even just a plain therapist to catch it.
    Early intervention is the best way to get a good outcome.
    Welcome to the board :)
  9. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Honestly, Queenlette, I am struck by the comment that your husband may leave you. That you fear his loyalty and love for you and your children, are in question over eaten food. That he does not want to be around your son any longer, because of the food issue. Does the punishment fit the crime?

    An evaluation of your son makes sense. If there is a Children's Hospital near you they have Developmental and Neuropsychologists who can do a workup. Tell them the specific issues.

    I fear that it could be that your child is being scapegoated for problems in your marriage or your issues or your husband's. There is something in psychology called an identified patient. This is when one person, usually a child is singled out for blame, to carry all of the problems of a system.

    Only you as your child's mother can take responsibility if this is happening. To protect and support your child.

    I understand that my words are difficult to hear. But your son's life is at stake. He needs help and support and care and understanding. You do, too. Neither one of you deserves anger. Or rejection. Or threats.
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2015
  10. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    How long has this "food stealing" been going on?
    If this is something that has happened for a long time, then he may be wired differently. But, if this is a new development... the behavior may be a cry for help.
  11. Queenlette

    Queenlette New Member

    Its mostly sweet stuff. Its been a on and off thing. Copabanana your words are not at all difficult to hear. And I try so hard to love and support all my children. I ask my husband all time and he says its not me or the children. Honestly I have told my husband numerous of times I'm not holding no chains or a gun to your head to stay. But he knows if he goes then he wont have me or the boys. He needs help from being in a abusive relationship and least little things trigger him kids gonna be kids. I have told my husband he needs psychological help but he refuses and claims he doesn't need it.
  12. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    It doesn't matter whether he thinks he needs help or not. Your husband NEEDS HELP. It's sounding more and more like he may be the cause of some of these issues and/or his reactions are making them worse than they would be. This is NOT healthy for your boys.

    However, it is really really tough to get a husband to go for help! Sometimes they get help in the process of the kid getting help.
  13. Queenlette

    Queenlette New Member

    Very true. He is just in denial with himself. Like me I know I'm not perfect but I try to be a good mom and wife. But how can you try to help someone when they don't or want help?
  14. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Queenlette, that is the problem we struggle with with our adult children.

    It all boils down to taking care of ourselves and our other children for whom we are responsible, and taking a stand for what is right.

    Those answers are in you. You have to decide how far you will go and what is best for you and your children.

    You will never be able to make somebody change. They can only change for themselves.
    There are no excuses when other people are involved, especially children.

    Your husband is responsible to find ways to control his behavior, even if he was a victim. Many of us have children that were victimized in one way or another. They had no fault in it at all. They are still responsible to fix themselves so that they do not hurt others.

    Your husband, it seems, gets a lot of power through using his needs, his state of mind, to control the house, the family, and you. How much you tolerate this for yourself and your children is your decision.

    There is nothing easy about this. For any of us.
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2015
  15. Queenlette

    Queenlette New Member

    Thank you Copabanana for your kind words. Your right you can't change someone. And its not fair to me or the kids.
  16. chimingin

    chimingin New Member

    Idea: set up a shelf with snacks that are okay for him to get on his own, without having to ask (have you considered that husband says no when he asks? And so the child "steals" food?)

    Personally, my life improved when I gave my kids their own shelf in the pantry and one in the fridge!! I can sleep in a little longer without being asked to get a box off the top shelf every morning!

    Give the kid a bag of crackers and some apples that are safe for him to eat when he feels hungry. I know you want to keep the peace, but I encourage you to go to bat for the kid on this one. It's important that someone be in his corner (imagine what it feels like knowing stepdad will leave mom if I eat without permission.). :(
  17. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi, QL,

    So, is the only problem with your son is the fat that he sneaks junk food?

    Just don't buy it, then.

    I mean, this doesn't sound like a huge, insurmountable problem that would make a normal grown man leave his family over.

    If you need to talk about anything that may be going on with your husband, any concerns you have, would you PM me or whoever you would be comfortable with?

    We are here for you.