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Money vs. Conversation with difficult child
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 623183" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hey...MANY of us were terrible enablers at first. But we came to a point where we realized it was unhealthy for everyone and that it had to stop. Usually some incident was the final straw. I'm sure others will be around to tell you about their experiences.</p><p></p><p>Also, look, don't listen to any family that tells you to support your son. Tell them that if they feel moved to do so, they are free to send him any amount of money they want, but that it is your decision that you are done. Or else refuse to talk about those things with your family. They don't sound very supportive.</p><p></p><p>As for your son saying, "I am your son and you have to support me" you can say calmly, "Yes, you are my so and I love you and I supported you well beyond when I legally had to. Now you are twenty-one and I'm going to let you support yourself. You can do it if you want to. I know you are capable. But no more money for your bills or entertainment is coming from your dad or me."</p><p></p><p>Lastly, I need to remind you of something that I also had to remind myself of when 36 left me house. These are the facts: Your son could still be living with you in comfort if he had followed your house rules, gotten a good job, not broken the law, respected you, and helped around the house...maybe pitched in some of the bills. He knew the rules and chose to break every single one, thus knowingly choosing to have to leave your home. So the choice was his.</p><p></p><p>Twenty-one is not a baby anymore and you no longer can have the same "he will do nothing and I will put up with it" expectations he has. He knows darn well he is taking advantage of you and knows if he guilts you enough, you will keep doing it. Nobody owes their child lifetime financial support. We give them roots to grown and wings to fly and it is unhealthy for us to give up our lives to financially support them. Is he going to pay for your bills when you retire if you run out of money because of supporting him? Heck, will he even come to visit you if it's not about money?</p><p></p><p>We warrior moms have to face a lot of terrible truths about our beloved adult children. Most of them are not very nice people and if they weren't our kids we would be rolling our eyes at them and wanting nothing to do with them.</p><p>Once we learn to face reality ("radical acceptance") it is easier to do what we know we should do in our hearts (which is different to all of us). At least, radical acceptance has been a blessing to me. I hope it is for you too!!!!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 623183, member: 1550"] Hey...MANY of us were terrible enablers at first. But we came to a point where we realized it was unhealthy for everyone and that it had to stop. Usually some incident was the final straw. I'm sure others will be around to tell you about their experiences. Also, look, don't listen to any family that tells you to support your son. Tell them that if they feel moved to do so, they are free to send him any amount of money they want, but that it is your decision that you are done. Or else refuse to talk about those things with your family. They don't sound very supportive. As for your son saying, "I am your son and you have to support me" you can say calmly, "Yes, you are my so and I love you and I supported you well beyond when I legally had to. Now you are twenty-one and I'm going to let you support yourself. You can do it if you want to. I know you are capable. But no more money for your bills or entertainment is coming from your dad or me." Lastly, I need to remind you of something that I also had to remind myself of when 36 left me house. These are the facts: Your son could still be living with you in comfort if he had followed your house rules, gotten a good job, not broken the law, respected you, and helped around the house...maybe pitched in some of the bills. He knew the rules and chose to break every single one, thus knowingly choosing to have to leave your home. So the choice was his. Twenty-one is not a baby anymore and you no longer can have the same "he will do nothing and I will put up with it" expectations he has. He knows darn well he is taking advantage of you and knows if he guilts you enough, you will keep doing it. Nobody owes their child lifetime financial support. We give them roots to grown and wings to fly and it is unhealthy for us to give up our lives to financially support them. Is he going to pay for your bills when you retire if you run out of money because of supporting him? Heck, will he even come to visit you if it's not about money? We warrior moms have to face a lot of terrible truths about our beloved adult children. Most of them are not very nice people and if they weren't our kids we would be rolling our eyes at them and wanting nothing to do with them. Once we learn to face reality ("radical acceptance") it is easier to do what we know we should do in our hearts (which is different to all of us). At least, radical acceptance has been a blessing to me. I hope it is for you too!!!! [/QUOTE]
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