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moral delemma
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<blockquote data-quote="klmno" data-source="post: 193223" data-attributes="member: 3699"><p>I had to stop to take difficult child to school but thought of an analogy while driving. This explains how I feel:</p><p></p><p>1) If I hire someone to replace a board in my porch steps and while discussing the project with the guy beforehand, he tells me that he also rebuilds chimneys, I'm going going to tell him that's great that he knows how to do that, but my priority is to get the steps repaired because I'm afraid of getting sued so that's what I'm interested in- not the chiimney, whether or not you could improve my chimney. If he says ok, he'll give it a shot (instead of sayiing he doesn't want the job or that he HAS to rebuild the chimney in order to fix the step), then I don't want to walk outside the next day and see a rebuilt chimney and nothing at all done to the step. But if that happens, I would not trust this guy again, I would be royally PO'd, feel completely disrespected, and would not hire him again.</p><p></p><p>2) I have a big problem turning the focus on the fact that I smoke cigarettes (outside my house), cook a roast and casserole every 4-6 weeks for dinner (one of difficult child's least favorites), etc., when I've been doing these things all difficult child's life and I am absolutely certain that these things did not make my son suddenly turn into a difficult child around the time he turned 11yo. </p><p></p><p>For one thing, I consider it a waste of time and money and a diversion from the real problems, for another, difficult child doesn't need to get any ideas or reinforcfement that these things caused him to break the law or have mood cycling or that me changing these things will make his problems go away. And I'm not changing things like that to bargain with difficult child (ie- I'll quit smoking if you quit breaking the law). I don't think it teaches a difficult child <strong><em>not</em></strong> to try to manipulate or to stay focused and take responsibility when a therapist sits right there in the middle of a converstaioon about different issues and looks at me and says "can you make roast less often". (This wasn't the intern- this was a previous therapist) difficult child has TOLD me that he sees how all that works, and I believe him- it would be obvious to anyone there in the room. </p><p></p><p>I made it a point to inform this intern of these things and how difficult child reacts to them and where it will lead to me and difficult child both being in chaos and that therapist's seem to like to get it to that point right about 45 mins into a session, then send us home. therapist TOLD me he was writing that down as a reminder to himself that he needed to go about things differently. Well, appareantly, he forgot to read that reminder.</p><p></p><p>So, 1) I didn't hire him to do the typical family therapy, 2) he <em>delved</em> into pushing difficult child into saying certain things (putting words in his mouth) and it almost seemed like he used his notes as a list of things to <em>intentionally</em> do. 3) It wasn't a problem with mine and difficult child's relationship that started all the issues with difficult child- we are all (including professionals) certain about that</p><p></p><p>He can use whatever method he wants, but it won't be on my dime or my time and not with me or my son again.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="klmno, post: 193223, member: 3699"] I had to stop to take difficult child to school but thought of an analogy while driving. This explains how I feel: 1) If I hire someone to replace a board in my porch steps and while discussing the project with the guy beforehand, he tells me that he also rebuilds chimneys, I'm going going to tell him that's great that he knows how to do that, but my priority is to get the steps repaired because I'm afraid of getting sued so that's what I'm interested in- not the chiimney, whether or not you could improve my chimney. If he says ok, he'll give it a shot (instead of sayiing he doesn't want the job or that he HAS to rebuild the chimney in order to fix the step), then I don't want to walk outside the next day and see a rebuilt chimney and nothing at all done to the step. But if that happens, I would not trust this guy again, I would be royally PO'd, feel completely disrespected, and would not hire him again. 2) I have a big problem turning the focus on the fact that I smoke cigarettes (outside my house), cook a roast and casserole every 4-6 weeks for dinner (one of difficult child's least favorites), etc., when I've been doing these things all difficult child's life and I am absolutely certain that these things did not make my son suddenly turn into a difficult child around the time he turned 11yo. For one thing, I consider it a waste of time and money and a diversion from the real problems, for another, difficult child doesn't need to get any ideas or reinforcfement that these things caused him to break the law or have mood cycling or that me changing these things will make his problems go away. And I'm not changing things like that to bargain with difficult child (ie- I'll quit smoking if you quit breaking the law). I don't think it teaches a difficult child [B][I]not[/I][/B] to try to manipulate or to stay focused and take responsibility when a therapist sits right there in the middle of a converstaioon about different issues and looks at me and says "can you make roast less often". (This wasn't the intern- this was a previous therapist) difficult child has TOLD me that he sees how all that works, and I believe him- it would be obvious to anyone there in the room. I made it a point to inform this intern of these things and how difficult child reacts to them and where it will lead to me and difficult child both being in chaos and that therapist's seem to like to get it to that point right about 45 mins into a session, then send us home. therapist TOLD me he was writing that down as a reminder to himself that he needed to go about things differently. Well, appareantly, he forgot to read that reminder. So, 1) I didn't hire him to do the typical family therapy, 2) he [I]delved[/I] into pushing difficult child into saying certain things (putting words in his mouth) and it almost seemed like he used his notes as a list of things to [I]intentionally[/I] do. 3) It wasn't a problem with mine and difficult child's relationship that started all the issues with difficult child- we are all (including professionals) certain about that He can use whatever method he wants, but it won't be on my dime or my time and not with me or my son again. [/QUOTE]
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