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mother in law Again!!!!
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<blockquote data-quote="Shari" data-source="post: 175419" data-attributes="member: 1848"><p>I have wondered about mother in law, too, and wondered how much of her behavior is a product of her raising and how much is possibly something she was born with. At this point in her life, I'm not sure one could ever untangle what is her biological makeup and what was influenced by experiences. She had friends growing up; she dated and got married relatively young - things that suggest she had at least some social skills.</p><p>***</p><p>While my father in law is much easier to tolerate, we also think he married the "wrong woman". Before he and mother in law married, he dated a woman and they talked of getting married. There was a break-up, and she hastily married another man. father in law married mother in law sometime shortly after this and they took off fishing on their wedding day. In the past few years, the other woman's husband died, and she and father in law have had some long talks in which she admitted marrying that man was a mistake. Children didn't come til much, much later, and its been commented that if father in law didn't fish so much, there might have been more. I guess the point of all this is, her life probably hasn't been peachy. </p><p>***</p><p>That said, tho, I spent the first 4 years in this family bending over backwards to be nice to her, only to be repeatedly left out in the rain when it came to being a part of that family. After dad's funeral, I started just avoiding her. When she bought easy child the clothes, I tried to talk to her and explain that easy child needed to learn responsibility and honesty (after all, mother in law is the one who can't stand liars, she says). She just said she would continue to buy things for easy child 2, she just wouldn't tell husband and I about it because she has to keep things even with her grandkids (she'd paid part of college tuition for her other grandson so she had to spend a substantial amount of money on easy child, too, never mind that she didn't need it - i tried to ask her to just put the money away to be there when easy child really needs something - but no). We did take the clothes from easy child and didn't allow them back til her dresser was cleaned out - and when we finally did give them back, she never wore a good chunk of them - just this week I took a skirt, still with tags, to the GoodWill store. It no longer fits. Earlier this spring I took 5 tops, still with tags. Again, didn't fit anymore. So she didn't need them so badly. (not)</p><p>***</p><p>For stud, I think this is about the only thing we do that's understood and fair for all. We winter their bull in exchange for services of the bull (there are always people looking for this arrangment so this would be easily done without the in-law's involvement). The rest is just assumed on mother in law's part. I have been looking into the cost of a hired farm hand (what husband does for them all summer) and custom hay baling so that I can get on paper what husband's services would cost in the real world and present that to them along with a list of "services" they get for free from our farm, in addition to husband's services. IF you can find it, pasture rent around here runs around $100 a month for a small pasture, so considering we've had at least 1 of their heifers (excluding the bull - I'm not counting him in this) on our place for the past 6 years, that's a hefty sum right there. If you consider we provide the hay thru the winter, well, it just goes up. We check and hay the cattle at their farm in the winter when the weather is bad (they live 6 or 8 miles from us), and thru the spring and early summer when they go to their lakehouse. While they are gone, if the grandson isn't available, we will also do their yardwork. When they move or sell cattle, they use our truck and trailer, and generally all of us, too. And she never calls to ask this be done, she'll call and say "we're selling cattle on such and such day at 1". What we use from them, besides the bull, is a tractor occassionally, and sometimes hay equipment, and every once in a while a vehicle (not so much anymore cause we have our own "spare" car now). To me, it should just be even - I help you/you help me, but that's not the way it works with her.</p><p>***</p><p>I dealt with them on several agreements in the years prior to being married to their son (he and I have been friends for years), and we had no problems then. But boy, when I took that last name, I didn't quite realize what I was giving up, I guess.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Shari, post: 175419, member: 1848"] I have wondered about mother in law, too, and wondered how much of her behavior is a product of her raising and how much is possibly something she was born with. At this point in her life, I'm not sure one could ever untangle what is her biological makeup and what was influenced by experiences. She had friends growing up; she dated and got married relatively young - things that suggest she had at least some social skills. *** While my father in law is much easier to tolerate, we also think he married the "wrong woman". Before he and mother in law married, he dated a woman and they talked of getting married. There was a break-up, and she hastily married another man. father in law married mother in law sometime shortly after this and they took off fishing on their wedding day. In the past few years, the other woman's husband died, and she and father in law have had some long talks in which she admitted marrying that man was a mistake. Children didn't come til much, much later, and its been commented that if father in law didn't fish so much, there might have been more. I guess the point of all this is, her life probably hasn't been peachy. *** That said, tho, I spent the first 4 years in this family bending over backwards to be nice to her, only to be repeatedly left out in the rain when it came to being a part of that family. After dad's funeral, I started just avoiding her. When she bought easy child the clothes, I tried to talk to her and explain that easy child needed to learn responsibility and honesty (after all, mother in law is the one who can't stand liars, she says). She just said she would continue to buy things for easy child 2, she just wouldn't tell husband and I about it because she has to keep things even with her grandkids (she'd paid part of college tuition for her other grandson so she had to spend a substantial amount of money on easy child, too, never mind that she didn't need it - i tried to ask her to just put the money away to be there when easy child really needs something - but no). We did take the clothes from easy child and didn't allow them back til her dresser was cleaned out - and when we finally did give them back, she never wore a good chunk of them - just this week I took a skirt, still with tags, to the GoodWill store. It no longer fits. Earlier this spring I took 5 tops, still with tags. Again, didn't fit anymore. So she didn't need them so badly. (not) *** For stud, I think this is about the only thing we do that's understood and fair for all. We winter their bull in exchange for services of the bull (there are always people looking for this arrangment so this would be easily done without the in-law's involvement). The rest is just assumed on mother in law's part. I have been looking into the cost of a hired farm hand (what husband does for them all summer) and custom hay baling so that I can get on paper what husband's services would cost in the real world and present that to them along with a list of "services" they get for free from our farm, in addition to husband's services. IF you can find it, pasture rent around here runs around $100 a month for a small pasture, so considering we've had at least 1 of their heifers (excluding the bull - I'm not counting him in this) on our place for the past 6 years, that's a hefty sum right there. If you consider we provide the hay thru the winter, well, it just goes up. We check and hay the cattle at their farm in the winter when the weather is bad (they live 6 or 8 miles from us), and thru the spring and early summer when they go to their lakehouse. While they are gone, if the grandson isn't available, we will also do their yardwork. When they move or sell cattle, they use our truck and trailer, and generally all of us, too. And she never calls to ask this be done, she'll call and say "we're selling cattle on such and such day at 1". What we use from them, besides the bull, is a tractor occassionally, and sometimes hay equipment, and every once in a while a vehicle (not so much anymore cause we have our own "spare" car now). To me, it should just be even - I help you/you help me, but that's not the way it works with her. *** I dealt with them on several agreements in the years prior to being married to their son (he and I have been friends for years), and we had no problems then. But boy, when I took that last name, I didn't quite realize what I was giving up, I guess. [FONT=Helv][/FONT] [/QUOTE]
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