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Motherhood-What Was I Thinking?
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 147615" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Adrianne, welcome. To get the best response, you should start a new thread all to yourself. Posting here, you could get overlooked, which would be a pity.</p><p></p><p>difficult child stands for "Gift From God" (the child that brought us here to this site) and while you're working out what to do next, grab a look at "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. There is some discussion on this around this site including in early childhood, but it applies to all ages. I've been known to apply it to the local Dept of Ed district!</p><p>Adrianne, from what you describe, i think this book can help you RIGHT NOW. A lot.</p><p></p><p>DazedandConfused, how is your daughter today? Is she till wanting to punch in the head of the other girl? She needs to find more creative ways to get her own back. Such as - success. In the meantime, tell her to write on a piece of paper all the mean things this girl has said and done to her, draw a caricature of that girl, then take the piece of paper out into the backyard and set fire to it.</p><p></p><p>It should make her feel a lot better.</p><p></p><p>Also, she does need SOME time to talk to her peers about this. Maybe you could discuss with her, at a calm time, who she should talk to? Or set a time limit? Trying to switch off what is almost classic typical behaviour for a teen girl, especially at a time when she feels most in need of support - I think any typical teen would have raged also. I know both my girls would have. At her age, parents stop being the main person the child confides in, and we take a back seat well away from the action. It hurts, it really does, but maybe if she can just talk to you AS WELL? And maybe discuss with you what her friends advise. Maybe you can workshop the options (including the "punch her head in" option) and work through the likely outcomes, so she can de-stress and also learn some healthier ways to handle it. </p><p></p><p>You acknowledged to us that you don't blame her being upset - does she know you feel this way? I remember having problems at school with a deputy but feeling my mother didn't understand because she kept telling me to not criticise a teacher, ever (I wasn't permitted to complain to my mother) and yet, years later, she told me how upset she was for me and how she agreed with me that the teacher was being unfair. If only I had known... even if she had said, "I know the teacher is being unfair, but she is in a position of power and you can't say anything, she could make your life even MORE miserable if you make trouble for her." But at least I would have known my mother supported me, instead of feeling like I had no support at all from anyone.</p><p></p><p>The screaming rages - I don't pay any attention to them while the kid is raging, because it's all coming from anger & frustration. A child who CALMLY says, "I hate you and I will leave as soon as I'm old enough" really worries me, because if that statement is being uttered with careful calm thought, the child is way beyond caring what you think (for real). I think your daughter DOES care, very much, but was very angry (at a lot of things) and was trying to make you feel as bad as she does, as part of her misguided communication.</p><p></p><p>It's AFTERWARDS that I usually calmly discuss the rage and how unproductive it was, then we try to find more effective, nicer ways to communicate the same thing.</p><p></p><p>I never punish for an angry rage. It generally brings its own punishment, much more effectively. But I do welcome apologises when the child is calmer. But not if I have to ask for them.</p><p></p><p>Hope things are better today.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 147615, member: 1991"] Adrianne, welcome. To get the best response, you should start a new thread all to yourself. Posting here, you could get overlooked, which would be a pity. difficult child stands for "Gift From God" (the child that brought us here to this site) and while you're working out what to do next, grab a look at "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. There is some discussion on this around this site including in early childhood, but it applies to all ages. I've been known to apply it to the local Dept of Ed district! Adrianne, from what you describe, i think this book can help you RIGHT NOW. A lot. DazedandConfused, how is your daughter today? Is she till wanting to punch in the head of the other girl? She needs to find more creative ways to get her own back. Such as - success. In the meantime, tell her to write on a piece of paper all the mean things this girl has said and done to her, draw a caricature of that girl, then take the piece of paper out into the backyard and set fire to it. It should make her feel a lot better. Also, she does need SOME time to talk to her peers about this. Maybe you could discuss with her, at a calm time, who she should talk to? Or set a time limit? Trying to switch off what is almost classic typical behaviour for a teen girl, especially at a time when she feels most in need of support - I think any typical teen would have raged also. I know both my girls would have. At her age, parents stop being the main person the child confides in, and we take a back seat well away from the action. It hurts, it really does, but maybe if she can just talk to you AS WELL? And maybe discuss with you what her friends advise. Maybe you can workshop the options (including the "punch her head in" option) and work through the likely outcomes, so she can de-stress and also learn some healthier ways to handle it. You acknowledged to us that you don't blame her being upset - does she know you feel this way? I remember having problems at school with a deputy but feeling my mother didn't understand because she kept telling me to not criticise a teacher, ever (I wasn't permitted to complain to my mother) and yet, years later, she told me how upset she was for me and how she agreed with me that the teacher was being unfair. If only I had known... even if she had said, "I know the teacher is being unfair, but she is in a position of power and you can't say anything, she could make your life even MORE miserable if you make trouble for her." But at least I would have known my mother supported me, instead of feeling like I had no support at all from anyone. The screaming rages - I don't pay any attention to them while the kid is raging, because it's all coming from anger & frustration. A child who CALMLY says, "I hate you and I will leave as soon as I'm old enough" really worries me, because if that statement is being uttered with careful calm thought, the child is way beyond caring what you think (for real). I think your daughter DOES care, very much, but was very angry (at a lot of things) and was trying to make you feel as bad as she does, as part of her misguided communication. It's AFTERWARDS that I usually calmly discuss the rage and how unproductive it was, then we try to find more effective, nicer ways to communicate the same thing. I never punish for an angry rage. It generally brings its own punishment, much more effectively. But I do welcome apologises when the child is calmer. But not if I have to ask for them. Hope things are better today. Marg [/QUOTE]
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