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Substance Abuse
Moved son out yesterday and am heartbroken
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 748380" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Good job. I am glad he does not know your new address and I am glad you will have a security system.</p><p></p><p>I think you're living in his head. His anger, what he will think, is not your business. All of us, (at least, me) live outside of ourselves too much, and have trouble experiencing life as we feel it. That is, locating ourselves in ourselves. I am old and I am only now realizing this about myself, that I live "out there." </p><p></p><p>A next step for you might be Al Anon or Codependents Anonymous. These groups (along with 12 step groups in general) help and support us to make these changes.</p><p></p><p>How will you define this? Can you think about what you would need to see and to know and to feel? What kind of boundaries and capacities and changes would you need to be able to handle a relationship with him? What would his life and behaviors and choices look like? "Take responsibility" is an amorphous term. How would you know?</p><p></p><p>I understand that this is all new and we want to feel we can again trust our children and have relationships with them, that our lives with them are not over. And part of your motivation now is to reassure yourself that you will and can be with him in one way or another. But I will tell you what I think: right now is the time to make a safe relationship with yourself, to ensure that you *and I can create lives where we are safe, and secure and know what we need, and to seek it.</p><p></p><p>At first, there are the essential steps such as a secure place, and self-nurture. Seeking out people who will be safe, and will hear you and treat you with respect and care. And me too. </p><p></p><p>My son is not doing that. He needs to be away from me, until he chooses differently. His job is to put into place those different behaviors and lifestyle. My job now is to hear me, and to treat me with respect and care.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 748380, member: 18958"] Good job. I am glad he does not know your new address and I am glad you will have a security system. I think you're living in his head. His anger, what he will think, is not your business. All of us, (at least, me) live outside of ourselves too much, and have trouble experiencing life as we feel it. That is, locating ourselves in ourselves. I am old and I am only now realizing this about myself, that I live "out there." A next step for you might be Al Anon or Codependents Anonymous. These groups (along with 12 step groups in general) help and support us to make these changes. How will you define this? Can you think about what you would need to see and to know and to feel? What kind of boundaries and capacities and changes would you need to be able to handle a relationship with him? What would his life and behaviors and choices look like? "Take responsibility" is an amorphous term. How would you know? I understand that this is all new and we want to feel we can again trust our children and have relationships with them, that our lives with them are not over. And part of your motivation now is to reassure yourself that you will and can be with him in one way or another. But I will tell you what I think: right now is the time to make a safe relationship with yourself, to ensure that you *and I can create lives where we are safe, and secure and know what we need, and to seek it. At first, there are the essential steps such as a secure place, and self-nurture. Seeking out people who will be safe, and will hear you and treat you with respect and care. And me too. My son is not doing that. He needs to be away from me, until he chooses differently. His job is to put into place those different behaviors and lifestyle. My job now is to hear me, and to treat me with respect and care. [/QUOTE]
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Moved son out yesterday and am heartbroken
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