Moved son out yesterday and am heartbroken

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Mom1967, May 5, 2019.

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  1. Mom1967

    Mom1967 New Member

    My son is a pot addict. He is almost 22. He lives with me and my high school daughter who is a senior. The day before yesterday I sled him to do the dishes and to stop smoking pot in my house again. I did this calmly. He blew up at me again and lied, again. He is belligerent, blaming and angry. I had previously given him a 30 day notice which he told me he had no intention of doing unless I hire movers to move him.

    Since he was raving at me, I asked him to leave. He did. Then he wanted to come back to the house for paintball gear because he had signed up for a paintball event this weekend. I said no. He broke down the door and forced his way in. He knock my down on the stairs and when I put my hands up to defend myself, he accused me of trying to choke him.

    He called the police and told them that I was preventing him from getting personal clothes and a sleeping bag. necessities of life.

    Three officers entered my home. They questioned me about me assuring him. When they found out it was about paintball clothes they were furious with both of us. I don’t know if they believed me at all.

    They asked me if he could come in and get his clothes and would I remain calm and not hurt him!

    One officer said give me his paintball gear that he is asking for, and I will make him give me the key to the door and leave.

    I complied.

    After the police left, he came back. He said he wanted to give me back the cell phone he had and I pay for. I opened the door a crack and he forced his way in. He knocked me on my butt and into the kitchen table. I have bruises on my legs and hand.

    He went back upstairs and took more paintball gear and left. I called the police but they failed to come as they were dealing with real crime, which is what I was told.

    They did however return later to do a welfare check on me. Not embarrassing at all.

    I had sold my house in January and have been living in a small apartment until my new house is ready in a town two hours away from the town I live in now.

    My son called later that evening to say he was sorry about how it all worked out but I never should have locked him out or tried to choke him.

    I hung up.

    So yesterday I rented a u haul. My daughter and I packed up his room and rented a storage unit. I paid for one month.

    I don’t know if I will hear from him again. His paintball event is over today.

    While cleaning out his room I found about 100 wrappers boxes etc of pot stuff. The price tags ranged from 25 to 88$ no wonder he counts not buy food, pay rent, buy a car pay for a cell phone.

    I have rescheduled my move for the 9th which is the soonest the movers can get here. I have to pack up the apartment and prepare it for the movers anyway and that is probably the fastest I can get it done.

    I sound so calm writing this but my heart is broken. I cannot stop crying. I gave my kids a solid, stable, happy home life. Although my son had always been selfish, I have always disciplined and been fair. I did homework, vacations, Disneyland, my house was the hangout house for all of the friends, I read to him, cared for him, let him pursue his interests, supported him in club sports. I never tolerated disrespect in my family. We believe in God. I listened to him, cared for him, valued him. When he was 18 he started smoking pot and it has been a struggle since. Lying, belligerence, he will not do anything to contribute to the household as in a chore or funds. And he truly believes that I am the problem. We went to family counseling for three years. His anger is out of control when he is using and he doesn’t care and blames me.

    I am so humiliated that he called the police on me. I am humiliated that it took them so long to figure out it was him. I feel like I had a nervous breakdown while they were here. The room was spinning, I couldn’t think.

    You can’t believe how much better the apartment smells after removing his things.

    If you met me in real life you would be stunned this is happening. I am a professional person, volunteer, loving mom and my daughter is amazing. Although she has been asking me to remove him from the house for a while. I had told my son he couldn’t move with us to the new house and had been trying to get him to understand that the deadline was approaching. He needed to figure out what he was going to do.

    When I told him it was 30 days out and he needed to stop smoking pot in my apartment and I would like him to do the dishes he went ballistic.

    I feel like I have lost my son for life. I don’t know how we got here. I think about his childhood and I just don’t get it. Since I have the phone now, I don’t know how to contact him.

    I called his father, we have been divorced 7 years (hence the counseling I had both of my kids go to with their own counselors and then we all met together my counselor. ) and his father said “wow, you guys really have communication issues.” That was it.

    Two years ago when my son didn’t show up for counseling I went looking for him. I found him passed out in his dealers apartment. I thought he was dead. It took a while to wake him up.

    The reason I haven’t kicked him out before now was because I was afraid of what might happen to him.

    I am so afraid that I have lost my son for life. I am afraid left to his own devices he will die. I afaraid that if I didn’t remove him that he would hurt my daughter or myself. I am afraid that moving two hours away with him having no way to contact me or me him since I have his cellphone that I am abandoning him.

    I am so hurt and scared. And my grieving over him is impacting my daughter who is so relieved he is out of the house.

    I look at his baby pictures and I wonder where that kids went. What happened? I am taking the week off from work to pack and because I am an emotional wreck. I cannot work in this condition. I am sobbing in his empty room typing this. I am so filled with grief.

    Do you ever get your relationship back or do you lose your child for life?
     
  2. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    I feel badly for you. I join you in grief. My story is already here (look it up...on Parent Emeritus) and anyone who tells me pot is harmless to daily users or those with latent mental illness always make me sick. My daughter says it is a healthy natural plant. Well, untrue, at least not for her! Twenty years of a brain on pot and she used hard drugs as a teen so she doesnt know what sober feels like anymore.

    I ams in shock and grief over her threat to.throw us out of her and my grandsons life forever so I am on a daily trip to survive without them. Certain times I do well. Other times I am in fetal position.

    This one child has caused me so much sadness that if I had forseen the future I would not have had kids. I have two good kids but her behavior is making me wonder if I can trust them not to leave so I guard.my heart around them too and hope they don't notice. The one person I believe will never leave me is my husband.

    Last night I did not sleep. I cried. Tomorrow I go to Al Anon That always helps for a while. I have a therapist too. My life revolves this daughter and my grandson and trying to learn to be in a good place in spite of her threat. Sometimes I can but not today. I am taking a long walk as I type to try to feel good out on a lovely day. It is helping but not enough. She is very capable of leaving us with nudging fromh crazy husband Lee, an awful man who slaps her around, but she will never leave him and she gives him a lot of power over what she does. And he doesnt like us or anyone.

    Wishing you better days. You are not alone.
     
  3. Mom1967

    Mom1967 New Member

    Thank you for your kind reply. I really do feel alone in my grief. I have thought about attending an Alanon meeting but not sure. I am no longer in counseling, I was done before all of this transpired and my therapist retired.

    Even though I know it’s better for him to be out of my house, the rest of my family thinks it’s over, move on. It is not okay for me to be sad around my family, I think they just think problem resolved and I think it’s almost like my child has died and no one cares.

    I doubt I will hear from him any time soon, and if I do it will only be to find out the location of the storage unit.

    If one of my friends had experienced what I did I would encourage them to remove him from the home too but I hope that I would let them grieve too.

    I am frantic with worry for him and recognize that I am completely powerless to do anything about it. I wish he wasn’t an addict. I wish he was safe and happy and thriving. I can’t help but think of I could have done something else different, or more, or a better parent. It is so hard to let go and accept he is choosing this and I have no idea if he is safe or not, or if he will ever stop using or if he will ever speak to me again.

    It is so hard not to hurt.
     
  4. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    I get it. I fo hurt.
     
  5. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Mom. This is serious:
    I will tell you what I think.

    You need to get a restraining order to forbid him from coming near you. He could have killed you. You get a restraining order by going to the District Attorney.

    All of us feel the kind of loss you feel. All of us feel the same guilt and responsibility. It's called: FOG. Fear, Obligation, Guilt. It goes with the territory.

    You did not cause this.

    Every time the police are called here, they believe my son over me. It's not just you.

    The important thing, the very first thing, is to protect yourself. The next thing I would do (I wish I had done it sooner) is go to a 12 step group, such as Al Anon. There you will get support, learn to live from yourself, and how to set boundaries and to maintain them. You did not cause this. And you can't cure it.

    I don't know what other substances your son may be using or whether he has some sort of impulse control disorder that permits him to act out. But it is very dangerous for both of you to permit these kinds of violent interactions to occur. If you were seriously hurt he would go to prison. Let alone the effects on you.
     
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  6. Mom1967

    Mom1967 New Member

    It was the first time he had ever been physical with me. I was stunned the police believed him at first. I did take pictures of the bruises and change the door locks. I move in a few days.

    I had never heard the term FOG but that sure describes me.

    Thank you for your advice. I had been thinking that while bad, it was not as serious as you suggest.

    If he comes back I will call the police and have a restraining order put in place. I was stunned that the police believed him and was so shocked by what happened and that officers were in my home questioning me that I literally shut down. It was like a panic attack.
    From what I found when I took his items to storage, he is taking the highest concentrations of dab possible and combining it with alcohol. In the past he has dabbled with cocaine and I don’t know what else.

    Thank you for caring. And for believing me. And thank you for reaching out. I am so out of my depth here. When I move next week to my new town I will look for an alanon group there.
     
  7. Mom1967

    Mom1967 New Member

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    Hope these load. You can see they hurt but are not the worst thing ever. The hand happens on the stairs the leg when he came through the door the second time and knocked me into the table. I was t let him do that again.
     
  8. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Please keep posting. It helps.

    The pictures did not load. I believe you. The important thing, though, is that YOU believe you. This is real. This is horrible. It should never happen again. Only you can protect yourself. Only you are responsible to make sure it never happens again. You have no control over him. And now. You have no responsibility for him either. He has crossed a serious line.
     
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  9. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    He needs to fix this, by doing serous, intensive treatment. Like inpatient. Long-term drug treatment. Or residential treatment for mental illness if he is found to have a diagnosis. But he has become a perpetrator. To have contact with him at all is to normalize what happened, to make it seem OK. To him and to you. It's not OKAY. It's assault. Regardless of how the cops acted. This is assault.
     
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  10. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    All of this is self-indulgence (sorry). This is not a luxury you can afford. I wish you would get angry at him for doing this.

    This is not about anything you did or did not do. This is about what HE did or did not do.

    Of course you wish he were safe, happy and thriving.

    But right now the reality is that he abused you and it could have been much more serious. He is your perpetrator right now.
     
  11. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I have been where you are. You are not alone. Find an alanon parents meeting if you can. I did and found other caring good parents who also had kids like this. It was a big relief to me to realize I was not the only one. It also helped me to see that I didnt cause it, cant cure it and cant control it.

    It is now many years later since I first kicked my son out when he was 19. There have been many ups and downs and various twists on this journey. My son is definitely addicted to drugs but is currently doing better but it is a roller coaster ride.

    But we do have a relationship and although it is not the close relationship I would like, I did not lose him forever.

    You did the right thing. You cant have him live with you behaving like that. You dont want to give him or your daughter the message that his behavior is ar all acceptable. And you need to keep yourself and daughter safe.

    My advice is to keep communication open. For this and so I can at least know my son is alive we continue to pay for his cell phone. Not everyone agrees with this but over the years it helped me to have some peace of mind.

    Keep posting.
     
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  12. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I want to tell you what happened to me. I feel like a hippocrite. Because I did not do what I am advising you to do.

    When my son was about 18 he broke my foot. He used a defensive martial arts move on me. I had not touched him but I was angry.

    We were living in a foreign country and we had to leave because of what happened. It was a real blow to me.

    I did not take this act on my son's part seriously. I was just mad and inconvenienced. I rationalized it, believing that he lacked the judgment to understand that what he did was so wrong. I believed that because he felt he acted defensively, it made a difference.

    I was wrong. I was wrong because I did not put me at the center of things. I always put him first. I thought of his welfare. His needs.

    What had happened to me was crushing. Only now, with this post, do I acknowledge how much.

    It took me many, many years before I could think about my own welfare in relation to my son, let alone put it first. I wonder if even now I have the capacity to do so.

    My son over a decade later is still floundering. Over and over again I tried to act in such a way that would help him mature, to right himself. I am wondering if I helped him at all.
     
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  13. Mom1967

    Mom1967 New Member

    Thank you for sharing. That seems so hard. My son too thought he was acting defensively even though in his drug addled mine he justified it, it isn’t true.

    I totally identify with what you wrote. As a mom it’s really hard not to prioritize your children, no matter their age, over yourself, even when they are out of control.
     
  14. Mom1967

    Mom1967 New Member

    my son just reached out to his father. He said that he was back from his paintball event and had no where to go. He told him that I had tried to choke him. To his credit my ex husband said, I’ve seen the pictures of your mom’s bruises. Where are yours? And calling the police on your mom and lying to them because you’ve been locked out of the house for your behavior and can’t get your paintball pants?

    He told him that I had moved all of his stuff to a storage unit, have him the code and told him he needed to call and apologize to me but not to try to contact me in person.

    He said the conflict was mutual and he didn’t think he owed me an apology but he would get his stuff out of storage and find a place to live.

    So at least I know he is safe. His father and I discussed me returning the cell phone I pay for so we would at least be able to have a line of communication with him but we have decided not to. Every bill we pay for him is more money he has to spend on dab. Being financially tight and completely on his own is what he needs right now.

    It also helped me to see he wasn’t sorry for hurting me because he thinks I was being aggressive by locking him out of the house.

    This shows me I should give him nothing and focus on my own safety and the safety of my daughter.

    He did express remorse to his dad for calling the police on me in order to get his paintball stuff.

    So I have two days to pack the apartment to move to my new house. He does not have my new address. I don’t know how long we will have no contact but I’m glad his dad had contact.

    My daughter believes that I value My son more than I am valuing myself. I think that is part of motherhood. It’s what we sign up for when we commit to them. But I agree I need counseling or al. Anon.

    I am so grateful for each of you who took the tome to share your stories and just be there for me when I was hopeless, drowning, in a long panic attack, and In Shock and grief.

    I feel blessed beyond belief that strangers would step up and help me when it was clear I couldn’t even help myself.

    Thank you, thank you, thank you for not judging me and instead, making sure I was not alone. A million hugs to you all.
     
  15. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Welcome

    You have already gotten good advice. You are no way responsible for your son's behavior. I am almost positive that he is using harder drugs than just MJ. His actions are out of control.

    You have no obligation to him at this point. It does not mean you do not love him! As mother's we confuse love with allowing our young adult children to run us down emotionally and in your case physically. I think your obligation is to your daughter at this point.

    Do not write the end of the story. We went through hell with our youngest due to drug use for 7 years. He had a wonderful life. You can see some of what we went through by my signature. I always loved him but I did not like him at all for many years. I cut off most ties when we sent him to Florida to sober living because he was still using.

    Today he is back in our home and doing well. He does not hold anything that I did to save my own heart against me.

    My son's final thirteen months in a faith based program is what changed him.

    I went to a therapist that specialized in addiction to help me learn to parent this new way and form firm boundaries. He needed the boundaries as much as I did.

    I have a meeting so can't write more but I'm glad he has his father. Let HIM deal with this. Take care of your daughter and most of all yourself.

    You have come to the right place for strength and wisdom. And never stop praying. I prayed 24/7 (at work, the middle of the night etc.) all the years I was going through this.
     
  16. Mom1967

    Mom1967 New Member

    ****UPDATE*****

    After sobbing my way through the first 72 hours and doing a lot of praying and reading the support above and I am doing better.

    My son called me today on his new cellphone that he is paying for. He told me he found a guy looking for a roommate and will get his stuff out of storage. He said the reason for his call was to get the storage unit number and combo lock number.

    I barely spoke and let him lead the conversation. After a long pause he said I’m sorry everything happened. He had done this before where he makes a blanket apology in order to get something from me.

    So I said sorry for what exactly? And he said just for getting into a fight with you.

    So I said,
    How about for being belligerent?
    For calling the police on me because you wanted paintball pants out of my house.
    For kicking in the door?
    For hurting me?
    For taking drugs and storing drugs in my house and lying repeatedly about it when confronted?

    He said I didn’t hurt you. And I said, should I text you the photos?

    He said he would refuse to look at them, didn’t believe me, and angrily ascertained that he didn’t do anything that bad, it was no big deal and I was the one who scratched his neck. He was the victim of me.

    I told him, he kicked down a barricaded door, knocked me over and the scratches on his neck were from me putting my hands up and defending by myself when he pushed me over going up the stairs.

    He started to yell and I hung up.

    He is in denial. He was probably on more than weed and doesn’t remember the situation clearly. He is lying to himself and blaming me.
    I think he is also scared to death.

    I texted him the photos of my bruises and the door off the hinge.

    I told him that I am moving, as previously scheduled on Thursday to my new house which is two hours away. I am taking a break from him until he is ready and able to accept responsibility for his actions toward me.

    I trust that he is able to make his own decisions, take care of himself and suffer or handle the consequences of whatever decisions he makes. I am trusting God for him.

    When he is ready to be real, and honest feel free to reach out but as for now I’m letting you know that I cannot accept and will not tolerate this behavior towards me.

    Since he hasn’t been to the storage unit yet, he hasn’t seen what I left for him. In the front of the unit when he opens the door are all of his athletic awards, a trophy from when I coached his volleyball team, and in front of it is about 2/3 of the used drug wrappers I found in his room.

    I hope the message he gets is this is who I am and this is what I am doing.

    When I packed up his room, since it was a safety crises, I bagged everything, and I mean everything into garbage bags. He is going to be so mad all the trash etc he refused to clean up out of his room is in there along with everything else. There was no clothes in one bag and shoes in the other. I packed him right after the police gave me his key and told him to leave and came back as soon as they left and kicked the door in, etc. I was not in a sorting frame of mind. I was in I need to get this kid out of here before he decides he wants something else out of his room.

    So I think he will be mad but seeing all of the marijuana stuff in the front of the unit piled up will hopefully help him to understand he’s lucky to get his stuff, Regardless of how it was packed.

    I move tomorrow and leave him here. I haven’t slept a wink. I don’t know how I will get through moving day tomorrow. It’s 3 am and I have to let the movers in at 6 am.

    My son does not know my new address. I have a security system being installed on Friday.

    I hope that in the future I can have a positive relationship with my son and he is able to take responsibility and he views me removing him as the best thing I could have done.

    Since he was so convinced he didn’t do anything that bad while we were on the phone, I think it’s going to be a long while. I still afraid that I have lost him for life.

    Thanks for being here for me. I would not have made it without this forum. I really needed help to see my situation clearly and to help me cope.

    Hugs.

    Debbie
     
  17. Mom1967

    Mom1967 New Member

    I’m not sure that I made it clear above, but I told him I am taking a break from him until he is ready and able to discuss what happened honestly and take responsibility.

    So at this point it’s no contact from me. He was so minimizing of his behavior that I do think it’s a safety issue to cut contact for now.
     
  18. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Bravo! Good for you.

    It does sound like he is going to make his way - found a roommate etc.

    Don't take any responsibility for how he acted. Not for ONE minute! This is 100% on him.

    Do NOT worry about him being mad. Too darned bad. You are taking your life back and forcing him to grow up. See who else will tolerate that type of behavior! No one.

    Good luck on your move and keep us posted!
     
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  19. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Good job. I am glad he does not know your new address and I am glad you will have a security system.

    I think you're living in his head. His anger, what he will think, is not your business. All of us, (at least, me) live outside of ourselves too much, and have trouble experiencing life as we feel it. That is, locating ourselves in ourselves. I am old and I am only now realizing this about myself, that I live "out there."

    A next step for you might be Al Anon or Codependents Anonymous. These groups (along with 12 step groups in general) help and support us to make these changes.

    How will you define this? Can you think about what you would need to see and to know and to feel? What kind of boundaries and capacities and changes would you need to be able to handle a relationship with him? What would his life and behaviors and choices look like? "Take responsibility" is an amorphous term. How would you know?

    I understand that this is all new and we want to feel we can again trust our children and have relationships with them, that our lives with them are not over. And part of your motivation now is to reassure yourself that you will and can be with him in one way or another. But I will tell you what I think: right now is the time to make a safe relationship with yourself, to ensure that you *and I can create lives where we are safe, and secure and know what we need, and to seek it.

    At first, there are the essential steps such as a secure place, and self-nurture. Seeking out people who will be safe, and will hear you and treat you with respect and care. And me too.

    My son is not doing that. He needs to be away from me, until he chooses differently. His job is to put into place those different behaviors and lifestyle. My job now is to hear me, and to treat me with respect and care.
     
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    Last edited: Sep 2, 2019
  20. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    From my great psychologist: How anyone treats you says very little about you and everything about them. This is true and may help you.
     
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