My son passed away last week

[Nandina]

You may even see signs of your son reaching out to you. I know I have

LMS, my husband is the one who sees signs. He has already seen our son twice, just briefly. He has had visitations from other family members who have passed so it doesn’t surprise me that he has already seen our son. I don’t seem to have that gift but I still talk to him and feel like he is with me.

A friend sent this Utube link to a man who had a near death experience and talks about what it was like on the other side in a way I had never heard before. Apparently the man has other online talks and books. I hadn’t heard of him.

Vinney Todd Tolman Died For 45 Minutes And Went Straight To Heavenly Realms - Near Death Experience

Vinney Todd Tolman who died for 45 minutes and during his Near death experience ( NDE ) traveled to Heaven.Some People dismiss near death experiences (NDE) ...

youtu.be

According to him, death as well as life, is a journey. It brought me comfort knowing that the learning continues although in a different realm.

Thanks, again, Tammy for your support. It helps.

 

[Nandina]

by the way, I hope it is ok to post that link. I can’t remember the rules.

 

[Copabanana]

Dear Nandina
I am shocked to the core to read your post. Doubly so, because I feel so strongly my son's vulnerability and therefore my own. We have been in this lockstep, you and I. Honestly, it took me a minute or two to take in and understand your post. I feel devastated for you and for your family. It feels like all that you did, over and over should have been enough. But I guess that is what keeps us going, that we believe against all rational signs, that we can do something to protect them, to hold them here on earth, with us.
Honestly, I am finding your loss barely bearable, because I keep believing that my son can stay alive--even though I see the way he courts danger, unable to see that it is he that brings danger close.
Nandina. Please rest in the knowing that you did everything a mother could do, that anybody could do, to fight for your son. I am so, so very sorry. Love, Copa

 

[Estherfromjerusalem]

Dear Nandina,

I am so, so sorry for your loss.

Love, Esther

 

[Nandina]

Starting Fresh, Deni, Leaf, Copa and Esther, thank you. Your comforting support means so much.

I know very well that we all live with the realization that it could happen to any one of us, as I lived with that realization before he passed.

My son didn’t start drugs in a big way til after high school, five years ago, where he had gotten his first taste of weed. But a lot of the reason he wasn’t able to start earlier was we sheltered him somewhat because I knew he would become a drug user if given more freedom to associate with certain people that he was attracted to. The drug users. If he had started at age 15, I don’t think he would have lived as long as he did. He was very careless and self-destructive.

If you read my earlier posts I mention that weed was his drug of choice at that point. Everything he did, though, he did to excess and it wasn’t long before he ventured into meth, telling me it was a cheap high for when weed wasn’t available or became too expensive. Almost immediately it affected his mind and he was really never the same, mentally, after that.

Recently it got much worse and he was acting on his delusions and it was getting him arrested and jailed. He was on pre-trial release at the time of his death for vandalism he had committed during a period of psychosis. I think at one point the jail offered him mental health treatment and he refused. Unfortunately, like many mentally ill people, he didn’t trust government.

I do feel fortunate that we always had a decent relationship, considering, as strange as that might seem. I had to accept that he wasn’t living the life I wished he would, but I wanted him to always know he was loved. And he did know that and always expressed his love to us. He had a good soul. He never hated us and rarely said bad things or treated us poorly. He marched to the beat of his own drum, and we kind of just had to go along with it because there was really nothing we could do to change him but we wanted to leave the door open for the day he was ready to change.

After really suffering the effects of the meth, he finally did seek treatment on his own. I was pleased that he took that step but I feel it might have come a little too late for him. He was just in such a bad way. It was painful to watch.

But I keep telling myself he is perfect now. And I truly believe that. Thank you, again, dear friends.

 

[lovemysons]

I’m so glad you both knew great love from each other and for each other. I feel this with my son too…no matter how far apart we are.

 

[AddictionSucks123]

Nandina, I am so sorry. I pray for you and your family to find inner peace. It is wonderful you had a good relationship with your son. It is what we all aspire to work toward, a loving relationship with our loved ones struggling.

 

[Nandina]

It is what we all aspire to work toward, a loving relationship with our loved ones struggling.

Yes, AS, you are absolutely right.

It is hard to do, especially if you are being emotionally abused, I would imagine. And we weren’t, as I’ve said, so that made it somewhat easier. But I do rest in the knowing that I was there for him when he needed me and his father and I did everything we possibly could that didn’t involve enabling him.

If it had been different, I would probably be living with a lot of guilt as are some other family members who now wish they had done more for him. No judgment here but I‘m sad for them that they’re living with guilt.

All of us mothers can only give as much as our hearts can bear; and that doesn’t destroy our well-being in the process. It is a hard balance for sure.

Thank you for your kind thoughts, AS.

 

[Nandina]

I am here for you if you need me. I also highly recommend the support forum on facebook I mentioned

LMS, I have private messaged you. Thank you, Nandina

 

[newstart]

My dear friends on CD,

I am so sad to tell you that my son died last week of what we suspect is an accidental drug overdose. It happened the day before my birthday and five days before Christmas. We are devastated. He was actually doing well and had been clean for a couple months.

But the meth that he had been doing on a somewhat regular basis had done great damage to his brain. He was tortured by the voice in his head and feared that others could hear his thoughts. It was a strange existence because other than that he was the most coherent and clear-headed I had seen him in five years. We thought things were going well. We were pleased that he was getting mental health treatment which he chose to do on his own.

He knew that he had to stay away from meth because of what it had done to his mind. He had recently been put on medication for schizoaffective disorder and spent 5 days in a behavioral health center. He was feeling better after he was released. He spent the next few days here and that was just 3 days before he died.

He had been spending weekends with us and was really trying, for once in his life, to follow rules, help around the house, etc. He was doing well. We had an agreement that he had to stay off the streets in order to have this living arrangement. He had been spending weeknights at the shelter as far as I knew. During all this time I was trying desperately to help him find some form of transitional housing.

But last time he left here he apparently didn’t stay at the shelter and was found unconscious on a street in our town three days later. Paramedics administered Narcan and he was revived briefly but was unable to stay conscious and passed. He had no ID or phone on him although he did when he left here. It is a wonder they even found me, considering, but a police officer recognized him and knew he had been at the mental hospital where I was listed as his contact.

I have received such great support here on CD and I don’t know what I would have done without it during these past five years since my son left home two weeks after his 18th birthday. Knowing people here who understand has been so helpful along with counseling, and just recently we had joined an al anon group.

My husband and I and our two other adult children are grief-stricken and we appreciate any prayers you can offer. Thank you.

Love, Nandina

I just read your message Nandina and my heart and compassion go out to you. There is nothing as painful as the loss of a child, I know because I lost my son not to drugs but to a virus. Several years ago. The pain will soften as the years go by. Just recently two of my women friends lost their son's to a drug overdoes. It is beyond grieving. Such a waste and so deeply sad. I ask God to hold your broken heart and just know you are not alone.

 

[in a daze]

I am so very sorry, Nandia. I haven’t posted for a long time, so I may not be familiar to you. My deepest sympathies to you and your family.

 

[Nandina]

I just read your message Nandina and my heart and compassion go out to you. There is nothing as painful as the loss of a child, I know because I lost my son not to drugs but to a virus. Several years ago. The pain will soften as the years go by. Just recently two of my women friends lost their son's to a drug overdoes. It is beyond grieving. Such a waste and so deeply sad. I ask God to hold your broken heart and just know you are not alone.

Newstart, I am so very sorry that we both share the loss of a son. Thank you so much for your words of comfort. And how sad it is that your friends have recently had losses of children as well, and to drug overdoses.

I can’t tell you how many people have shared with my husband and me that their child had used drugs or is currently struggling with drug abuse—it is truly an epidemic and just breaks my heart.

If I was younger and had more energy, I might consider talking to school kids about specifically, meth and how destructive it is.

All drugs have their potential lethal consequences, I guess, but I have never in my life seen such a horrible transformation of a person after what started out as ”casual” usage of a drug as I saw in my son. There really is no casual with meth. One time is all it takes for some people to be affected mentally, as well as physically of course, but it was particularly hard on my son’s mental state which was fragile to begin with.

Thank you for “listening.” The support here is so uplifting and I am very grateful. Love, Nandina

 

[Nandina]

Dear In a daze,

Yes, I do remember you, and thank you so much for your kindness. I don’t think I’ve seen a post from you in a while. Maybe you can give us an update.

At the bottom of your posts your tag line mentions the three Cs. I had seen those words frequently on this forum and heard them again recently at an al-anon meeting. Is that where the saying came from?

In any event, the people on this forum who have recommended al-anon did my husband and me a great service. I didn’t think I would like that type of format (apparently different al-anons have different formats) but the people there were so kind and gentle; non-judgmental, just like they are here. And they put the focus on themselves and their healing, not the drug or alcohol abuser, just like we do here, or try to anyway. I think that’s what we all struggle with.

But being around others who shared the same experience helped us. And although we had only attended for about two months before my son passed, we felt very much a part of the group.

I hope you’ll continue to post, In a daze. It was good to hear from you.

 

[Copabanana]

Hi Nandina
I'm thinking of you and sending love. Copa

 

[newstart]

Newstart, I am so very sorry that we both share the loss of a son. Thank you so much for your words of comfort. And how sad it is that your friends have recently had losses of children as well, and to drug overdoses.

I can’t tell you how many people have shared with my husband and me that their child had used drugs or is currently struggling with drug abuse—it is truly an epidemic and just breaks my heart.

If I was younger and had more energy, I might consider talking to school kids about specifically, meth and how destructive it is.

All drugs have their potential lethal consequences, I guess, but I have never in my life seen such a horrible transformation of a person after what started out as ”casual” usage of a drug as I saw in my son. There really is no casual with meth. One time is all it takes for some people to be affected mentally, as well as physically of course, but it was particularly hard on my son’s mental state which was fragile to begin with.

Thank you for “listening.” The support here is so uplifting and I am very grateful. Love, Nandina

Newstart, I am so very sorry that we both share the loss of a son. Thank you so much for your words of comfort. And how sad it is that your friends have recently had losses of children as well, and to drug overdoses.

I can’t tell you how many people have shared with my husband and me that their child had used drugs or is currently struggling with drug abuse—it is truly an epidemic and just breaks my heart.

If I was younger and had more energy, I might consider talking to school kids about specifically, meth and how destructive it is.

All drugs have their potential lethal consequences, I guess, but I have never in my life seen such a horrible transformation of a person after what started out as ”casual” usage of a drug as I saw in my son. There really is no casual with meth. One time is all it takes for some people to be affected mentally, as well as physically of course, but it was particularly hard on my son’s mental state which was fragile to begin with.

Thank you for “listening.” The support here is so uplifting and I am very grateful. Love, Nandina

Love back to you in abundance.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

I am new here but wanted to offer my sincerest condolences on the loss of your son.
This is what we brace ourselves for, that call at any moment giving us horrible news. I pray that since you were close with him you remember the good times and that these help carry you through in the days ahead.

 

[Nandina]

Thank you for your kindness, Michelle. And if that is your real name you might consider changing it for this forum as sometimes it is best to remain anonymous.

Thinking back, I was so invested in my son’s recovery, which he had chosen to do on his own, that I didn’t even consider the possibility that he could continue to use drugs and overdose. I thought everything was moving in the right direction. But that just shows you how powerful the pull of drugs is. My son had been clean and supposedly wasn’t that interested due to knowing what meth would do to his mind. I won’t know what drug he took that ended his life until the autopsy report comes back, which could take 6 months.

And I question the probation office which he was visiting each week and being drug tested each time—they did not test him the last two times and I’m not sure why, But knowing my son, he probably felt like he had a chance to get away with it since no one was checking. The fact that he was getting drug tested was helping to keep him clean, I think.

Thank you for the books you refer in your tag line. I know they’ll be helpful to everyone here who struggles with the boundaries of enabling vs. helping. It is such a hard balance to achieve.

I hope you’ll get many responses to your other post asking for help with your daughter. There is great wisdom here and people who have been at this a very long time.

And please come back. It will help. Thank you, again.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

Thank you for your kindness, Michelle. And if that is your real name you might consider changing it for this forum as sometimes it is best to remain anonymous.

Thinking back, I was so invested in my son’s recovery, which he had chosen to do on his own, that I didn’t even consider the possibility that he could continue to use drugs and overdose. I thought everything was moving in the right direction. But that just shows you how powerful the pull of drugs is. My son had been clean and supposedly wasn’t that interested due to knowing what meth would do to his mind. I won’t know what drug he took that ended his life until the autopsy report comes back, which could take 6 months.

And I question the probation office which he was visiting each week and being drug tested each time—they did not test him the last two times and I’m not sure why, But knowing my son, he probably felt like he had a chance to get away with it since no one was checking. The fact that he was getting drug tested was helping to keep him clean, I think.

Thank you for the books you refer in your tag line. I know they’ll be helpful to everyone here who struggles with the boundaries of enabling vs. helping. It is such a hard balance to achieve.

I hope you’ll get many responses to your other post asking for help with your daughter. There is great wisdom here and people who have been at this a very long time.

And please come back. It will help. Thank you, again.

Thank you so very much about my daughter! My name is Michelle but am okay using it. One thing about my daughter being in jail so often is that my information is all over the internet thanks to this. I pray for you that the autopsy will help to give you closure, while this will always be a huge hole in your heart, any comfort you can get I wish for.

 

[lovemysons]

Nandina…how are you holding up these days? One thing I know for sure is that when reality sets in your left with intense feelings of missing them.
I often say “I love you J” when alone. And I can practically hear his voice saying back to me, “I love you too mama.”

I know he would have apologized too for all the hurt his death has caused. I’m sure your son would do the same.

I wish I had the wisdom G-d has to know why this had to happen.
And I wish a mother’s love was stronger than drug addiction.

 

[Copabanana]

Nandina

Lovemysons, Nandina texted me this morning to tell me she is locked out again and has contacted Deni. She can read but not respond.