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General Parenting
Mr. Social Studies Teacher's response (and the draft of my reply)
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 430764" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>Your response is excellent. I find his assertion that difficult child did not tell a complete story to be less than the truth. Yes, difficult child did not say that it was given in class or that time was given to do it in class. One of the biggest problems our kids have is with asking for help. Most of the kids in middle school with this kind of problem, or much of anything that makes them different, have a very hard time asking for help.What better way to get someone to not stand up for their rights than to work to convince them that they don't deserve them because it isn't "fair" to someone else, thus making them feel like they are essentially cheating in some way. Many kids don't mind being accused of cheating if they have done it, but when they have not and really haven't given any reason for the accusation, it is viciously painful and they then become unwilling to try to advocate for themselves again. Or they figure they may as well cheat because it is what the teacher thinks they are doing anyway.</p><p></p><p>There is nothing good that can come from asking a child if it is fair that he has accommodations. As in your letter, it isn't fair that he has the problems that he does. How many times do we, and other adults, tell kids that life is not fair? That fair is a nice idea but it is more a festival with rides and livestock shows than a concept that can truly be applied to life? Why is it that when difficult child says it isn't fair that he has to do something that the other kids don't, like take medications, or do extra practice so that they understand a problem, we tell them that life isn't fair and to get used to it. But when difficult child says that he is going to use the accommodations that were agreed upon suddenly he is supposed to realize that it isn't fair to let him hand work in late and he needs to agree that the world and high school are going to require more of him so he needs to hurry up and not need those accommodations?? How on earth does that make any sense.</p><p></p><p>I HATE when teachers decide that their rules/policies/whatevers must be followed or the student won't be able to function the next year. I realize it is close to the end of the school year and everyone is thinking about next year, but one teacher's late assignment policy in the fourth quarter will not make or break difficult child's high school success. Get Real. Yes, difficult child needs to know that rules are rules and boundaries are boundaries. But if he could do that just fine with no problems he wouldn't have an IEP or problems. </p><p></p><p>Comparing difficult child to ANYONE will only serve to damage his opinion of himself. Either he will think he is the greatest because he can do whatever better in some way or he will think he is awful and the worst because he can't do it the same as everyone else. Either way it sets up an emotional reaction that is not conducive to learning anything. There is NO reason to compare difficult child to his peers on the basis of when he turns in assignments. Esp not on the basis of using the accommodations that are provided to help him learn. </p><p></p><p>The whole tone of the letter makes me want to make that teacher spend a year trying to go through middle school with substantial learning disabilities and mental illness. Maybe then, and iwth a huge dose of empathy injected into him so he can feel it, he would know why all this is just so wrong. He is doing a great job of trying to make difficult child feel bad for using his accommodations and this may mean that difficult child accepts bad grades rather than turning in late work - just to try to be "fair" or because his self esteem is so bad that he thinks that it is all he deserves.</p><p></p><p>You write an awesome letter, and I am proud of you and of difficult child for standing up for his rights. Phooey on this teacher.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 430764, member: 1233"] Your response is excellent. I find his assertion that difficult child did not tell a complete story to be less than the truth. Yes, difficult child did not say that it was given in class or that time was given to do it in class. One of the biggest problems our kids have is with asking for help. Most of the kids in middle school with this kind of problem, or much of anything that makes them different, have a very hard time asking for help.What better way to get someone to not stand up for their rights than to work to convince them that they don't deserve them because it isn't "fair" to someone else, thus making them feel like they are essentially cheating in some way. Many kids don't mind being accused of cheating if they have done it, but when they have not and really haven't given any reason for the accusation, it is viciously painful and they then become unwilling to try to advocate for themselves again. Or they figure they may as well cheat because it is what the teacher thinks they are doing anyway. There is nothing good that can come from asking a child if it is fair that he has accommodations. As in your letter, it isn't fair that he has the problems that he does. How many times do we, and other adults, tell kids that life is not fair? That fair is a nice idea but it is more a festival with rides and livestock shows than a concept that can truly be applied to life? Why is it that when difficult child says it isn't fair that he has to do something that the other kids don't, like take medications, or do extra practice so that they understand a problem, we tell them that life isn't fair and to get used to it. But when difficult child says that he is going to use the accommodations that were agreed upon suddenly he is supposed to realize that it isn't fair to let him hand work in late and he needs to agree that the world and high school are going to require more of him so he needs to hurry up and not need those accommodations?? How on earth does that make any sense. I HATE when teachers decide that their rules/policies/whatevers must be followed or the student won't be able to function the next year. I realize it is close to the end of the school year and everyone is thinking about next year, but one teacher's late assignment policy in the fourth quarter will not make or break difficult child's high school success. Get Real. Yes, difficult child needs to know that rules are rules and boundaries are boundaries. But if he could do that just fine with no problems he wouldn't have an IEP or problems. Comparing difficult child to ANYONE will only serve to damage his opinion of himself. Either he will think he is the greatest because he can do whatever better in some way or he will think he is awful and the worst because he can't do it the same as everyone else. Either way it sets up an emotional reaction that is not conducive to learning anything. There is NO reason to compare difficult child to his peers on the basis of when he turns in assignments. Esp not on the basis of using the accommodations that are provided to help him learn. The whole tone of the letter makes me want to make that teacher spend a year trying to go through middle school with substantial learning disabilities and mental illness. Maybe then, and iwth a huge dose of empathy injected into him so he can feel it, he would know why all this is just so wrong. He is doing a great job of trying to make difficult child feel bad for using his accommodations and this may mean that difficult child accepts bad grades rather than turning in late work - just to try to be "fair" or because his self esteem is so bad that he thinks that it is all he deserves. You write an awesome letter, and I am proud of you and of difficult child for standing up for his rights. Phooey on this teacher. [/QUOTE]
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Mr. Social Studies Teacher's response (and the draft of my reply)
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