Mr. Social Studies Teacher's response (and the draft of my reply)

[gcvmom]

In true CYA mode, here is his heart-felt response:

Good Morning,

I am extremely sorry if difficult child 2 and my conversation of yesterday has been misconceived as an insensitive response to his disability. I apologize if that is the crux of the problem. However, I would like to clarify what transpired.

The assignment in question was an in-class assignment. Students were given the entire period to complete this assignment. Most students completed this in class and turned it in. However, I extended the due date giving the weekend to complete the assignment because many GATE students were out preparing for the dance. The due date should have read 5/16 but I gave students extra time to complete. My concern is not only that the work was submitted late but that difficult child 2 may not have been on task during class. If he needed assistance in order to complete the task on time, he should have asked for help during class.

At our back-to-school night I made it very clear to parents my policy regarding late work. At the beginning of the 4th quarter, I sent home, two separate written notices, that I would not be accepting late work in the fourth quarter. All students were well aware of the policy as other GATE teachers have communicated the same. difficult child 2 witnessed an event in the classroom where another student (one without an IEP) was told I would not accept the late assignment. I did ask him if he thought it fair that other students were not allowed to turn in their assignments late.

I am well aware of difficult child 2's IEP and I have not forgotten nor have I disregarded his disability. Having raised a son diagnosed as bipolar and with aspergers syndrome, I know that instructions and boundaries must be made clear and concise in order to sink in and be internalized. Perimeters must be set or tasks will not be completed.

Ask difficult child 2 if he has the assignment. He does not. I accepted the assignment with the challenge that difficult child 2 would turn in all of his remaining assignments on time. To do otherwise is to imply that I and other teachers will take work whenever difficult child 2 decides to turn it in. I have every intention of giving him credit for the assignment but not before I made clear his responsibility in the matter.

Obviously, difficult child 2 did not tell a complete story. He may have wanted to cover his responsibility by shifting the focus to my reaction.

After my conversation with difficult child 2, I immediately went to talk with Mrs. Case Manager. I told her about our conversation and she related some equally troublesome behaviors of late. It is the end of the year and many students, after testing, begin to "check out." Behavior, responsibility, and discipline begins to slip as we get closer to the end of the year. I am trying to keep difficult child 2 "on track" and ready for high school.

difficult child 2 is extremely bright. In fact, as hard as this may be for you to believe, he is one of my favorites. Having experienced very difficult times with my own son, I know from experience the need to set "fences" and make clear the expectations that are required for success. difficult child 2 can meet these demands when held accountable. Life will not bend the rules to accommodate his disability. difficult child 2 needs to learn to identify his weaknesses, rely on his strengths, and develop skills to overcome his problems.

Middle school is a difficult time for all students let alone those who struggle with learning disabilities. Next year difficult child 2 will be forced to work harder than he has ever worked before. It would be a disservice to difficult child 2 if I did not properly prepare him for the rigor of high school by encouraging him to be disciplined and responsible.

I am sorry that our mutual goal of helping difficult child 2 to reach his potential has been interrupted by a misunderstood attempt on my part to prepare difficult child 2 for his next great challenge. If you feel that we need a meeting to discuss this with all parties present, feel free to email me or call.

Mr. Social Studies Teacher

And here (so far) is my reply:

Hello Mr. Social Studies Teacher,

The crux of the problem is the effect your well-intended comments have on difficult child 2. I find it neither appropriate nor relevent that he be compared to other students or made to feel guilty for having accommodations that violate your classroom policies.

difficult child 2 does not choose to turn work in late. He does not intentionally forget to write down assignments in his planner. He does not enjoy knowing that his deficits and his underdeveloped organization skills result in grades that are not reflective of his true abilities. Furthermore, daily reminders that he's underperforming in the eyes of his peers and teachers do little to bolster his confidence and already tenuous self esteem, and make it much harder to advocate for one's self.

We have been aware of a change in difficult child 2's behavior at home for several weeks, and in fact I contacted Mrs. Case Manager 5/11 to inquire about his teachers' observations and whether they were similar to ours. At the time, she said she felt he was actually more on task than usual, but we decided to have bloodwork ordered anyway to check his medication levels. We do not yet know the results.

As the parent of difficult child 2's older sibling, who also is very bright and has both medical and psychiatric problems, I am well aware of the demands that will be placed on difficult child 2 in high school. I also realize that there are many paths to successful adulthood that a child may take. Having a disability may mean difficult child 2 takes a path less conventional, perhaps slightly longer, but no less rewarding or fulfilling than the course taken by his peers.


Thank you for supporting the provisions in difficult child 2's IEP. We will continue to work with him here at home, doing our best to help him submit assignments on time.

Sincerely,
gcvmom

 

[keista]

YAY You! I Love it! May we copy and use as a template?

My biggest frustration with teachers and admin:

If he needed assistance in order to complete the task on time, he should have asked for help during class.

Love your response

difficult child 2 does not choose to turn work in late. He does not intentionally forget to write down assignments in his planner. He does not enjoy knowing that his deficits and his underdeveloped organization skills result in grades that are not reflective of his true abilities. Furthermore, daily reminders that he's underperforming in the eyes of his peers and teachers do little to bolster his confidence and already tenuous self esteem, and make it much harder to advocate for one's self.

These are the same exact issues my son has with schoolwork.

 

[AnnieO]

This is just like Jett's teachers who will say... He has to ASK for help.

No, it's in the IEP, it should already be in place.

Ugh. YOU, on the other hand - You go, girl!

 

[susiestar]

Your response is excellent. I find his assertion that difficult child did not tell a complete story to be less than the truth. Yes, difficult child did not say that it was given in class or that time was given to do it in class. One of the biggest problems our kids have is with asking for help. Most of the kids in middle school with this kind of problem, or much of anything that makes them different, have a very hard time asking for help.What better way to get someone to not stand up for their rights than to work to convince them that they don't deserve them because it isn't "fair" to someone else, thus making them feel like they are essentially cheating in some way. Many kids don't mind being accused of cheating if they have done it, but when they have not and really haven't given any reason for the accusation, it is viciously painful and they then become unwilling to try to advocate for themselves again. Or they figure they may as well cheat because it is what the teacher thinks they are doing anyway.

There is nothing good that can come from asking a child if it is fair that he has accommodations. As in your letter, it isn't fair that he has the problems that he does. How many times do we, and other adults, tell kids that life is not fair? That fair is a nice idea but it is more a festival with rides and livestock shows than a concept that can truly be applied to life? Why is it that when difficult child says it isn't fair that he has to do something that the other kids don't, like take medications, or do extra practice so that they understand a problem, we tell them that life isn't fair and to get used to it. But when difficult child says that he is going to use the accommodations that were agreed upon suddenly he is supposed to realize that it isn't fair to let him hand work in late and he needs to agree that the world and high school are going to require more of him so he needs to hurry up and not need those accommodations?? How on earth does that make any sense.

I HATE when teachers decide that their rules/policies/whatevers must be followed or the student won't be able to function the next year. I realize it is close to the end of the school year and everyone is thinking about next year, but one teacher's late assignment policy in the fourth quarter will not make or break difficult child's high school success. Get Real. Yes, difficult child needs to know that rules are rules and boundaries are boundaries. But if he could do that just fine with no problems he wouldn't have an IEP or problems.

Comparing difficult child to ANYONE will only serve to damage his opinion of himself. Either he will think he is the greatest because he can do whatever better in some way or he will think he is awful and the worst because he can't do it the same as everyone else. Either way it sets up an emotional reaction that is not conducive to learning anything. There is NO reason to compare difficult child to his peers on the basis of when he turns in assignments. Esp not on the basis of using the accommodations that are provided to help him learn.

The whole tone of the letter makes me want to make that teacher spend a year trying to go through middle school with substantial learning disabilities and mental illness. Maybe then, and iwth a huge dose of empathy injected into him so he can feel it, he would know why all this is just so wrong. He is doing a great job of trying to make difficult child feel bad for using his accommodations and this may mean that difficult child accepts bad grades rather than turning in late work - just to try to be "fair" or because his self esteem is so bad that he thinks that it is all he deserves.

You write an awesome letter, and I am proud of you and of difficult child for standing up for his rights. Phooey on this teacher.

 

[InsaneCdn]

in my humble opinion - you are much too kind and politically correct... or at least, there's absolutely no way I could ever be that "kind and politically correct". Which is probably part of the reason teachers "duck" whenever I walk into the school???

These teachers - the ones who really think they are good - are the most damaging. "Do it my way" (or else), "if you'd just fit in and pay attention" (its your attitude, stupid), ETC. Its not even so much what they say, its the belief-system behind it. They actually believe that the student in question does not WANT to do well. They really don't believe THIS student needs the accommodations...

And unfortunately, it seems, teachers who have had their own special needs kids are 100x worse... they compare to their own kid and their own "success", and if your kid isn't making it in their class, then its either YOUR fault or the KIDS fault - or both.

And why does Social Studies always seem to be the WORST subject for this???

 

[KTMom91]

Interesting...

 

[JJJ]

I would also point out that the "fences" were set by the IEP team and he has no right to move those fences in the 4th quarter. That you expect him to abide by his legal obligations to follow the IEP as written by the IEP team.

 

[confuzzled]

LOVE you.

i cant believe that he said he should have "asked for help".

mine would not "ask for help" if she lay bleeding in the street...and mr social studies, as a father of a bipolar aspie, should probably also know its not unheard of for these kids to not be able to "ask for help".

i might have added that he needed worry about the high school workload demands since, as luck would have it, your difficult child 2 has an IEP with a modified workload and extra time to turn in those assignments.

but next time i need a letter, i know who to just who to ask....

 

[Wiped Out]

Love your response!!

 

[Marguerite]

The only things I would change about your response -

"I take your point that difficult child should have asked for help; but surely you are aware that a major part of the problem is his inability to recognise he needs help, and then further inability to reach out and ask? It is desirable of course for him to be able to ask for help, it is one of the many goals we have. But he is a long way from there yet. It is one more area in which he is greatly disadvantaged compared to his peers."

AND

"I do not believe difficult child deliberately withheld any information from me. I believe he told me the full story, as he understood it to be. His ability to stay focussed on work in class is hampered compared to other students, it is one of the many reasons we have an IEP. Our goal for him is to one day be able to function as an independent, productive and happy member of society. We recognise that his path to that goal will not be smooth and will in fact involve a lot of hard work form many people. It will also take him a lot longer. But nevertheless, it remains our goal."

Other than that - I do endorse your gentler, "easy child" approach. You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

Well done!

Marg

 

[gcvmom]

Marg, thanks for the suggestions husband read my version and felt I was being a bit combative, LOL. I haven't sent the message yet and am still mulling it all over.

Lately I just feel so fed up with people who think they can mistreat others and get away with it that I feel compelled to speak out -- even if it means stepping on a few toes. But you are right about vinegar and flies -- perhaps a bit o' honey rimmed around the vessel of vinegar that I plan to drown them all in!

 

[Malika]

One of the things I have learnt from my experience with my little gift from god is that, almost all of the time, honey catches more flies than vinegar Just occasionally, however, when the timing is right and much discrimination has been used to discern that timing - a shocking dose of vinegar is what is needed to turn things around to the good.
For you to judge what will work in this case, of course.

 

[LittleDudesMom]

Personally, I don't think your response was that combative - the first paragraph was the "toughest", but that's where you addressed the major issue.

This is like a chapter out of "Lost in School" by Ross Greene.

I agree that it is important for our difficult children to be challenged from time to time, but teachers who believe it is their personal role to "toughen" up our kids and prepare them for the future have usually been the ones that have done the complete opposite and shut my difficult child down.

Sharon

 

[HaoZi]

difficult child 2 witnessed an event in the classroom where another student (one without an IEP) was told I would not accept the late assignment. I did ask him if he thought it fair that other students were not allowed to turn in their assignments late.

I read that as SS teacher asking that student (not difficult child) if it was fair.

Kiddo also has a difficult time knowing when she needs to ask for help, or even doing it when she does know.

 

[BusynMember]

I wonder if these teachers realize how HARD it is for even a non-difficult child child to ask for help. A pet peeve of mine is that my daughter is expected to "ask for help" or she won't get it. Why? "She has to learn to empower herself." Yes, but she has a lot of time for that. Why do they have to ask for help at fourteen to be able to do it at twenty-six?

Your letter was great. I would have been a lot more hostile You go!!!!

 

[TerryJ2]

I'm in agreement. I was not a difficult child but I was painfully shy. Never asked for help from anyone until I was married, with-2 kids, and my difficult child got to be too much for me!

There is no way our difficult child will ask for help. Sigh. I feel for you both.

I can see why that teacher was chosen to help out with-the IEP soc studies class, since he has a kid with-bipolar and Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). He's been through the ringer! Even though it sounds good, though, that doesn't mean that his classroom attitude is stellar.

Best of luck.

 

[Marguerite]

Consider it a learning curve. For him. Because I doubt that the same problem will happen again. With him.

Marg

 

[1905]

Save the letter.

 

[exhausted]

Good job mama! You are a true advocate for your son. You also give this social studies teacher a chance to ponder his ways. While he may not say it to you or your son, he may be a bit more reflective in the future. As a teacher, I pray that he is reflective and learns from this. I am always so sad to hear these things because it is just these many events that give us (teachers) such a bad name. We are not all like this and by the way, I am a mom with a difficult child and I would not ever treat a child or his family like this. Stay the course! You did right.