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My 19 yr old stopped his depression/adhd medications...
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 675448" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>So does my son. He is now 27 and receives SSI for mental illness.</p><p>My son's behavior was similar. While he lived with me, I insisted he either go to college or job training and work. It was a fight, but he did. He did work in his last job for a year and a half, but sabotaged it. As I see it. He was depressed, quit the job, and told me he tried to commit suicide. I do not know if this is true, because he was in a city several hours away. He told me he attempted suicide more than once. He has been hospitalized several times because he was suicidal. And now he receives SSI for mental illness.</p><p></p><p>He is better now. That I know of, he has not been hospitalized for about 2 years. He no longer makes threats of suicide or says he wants to die. At least to me.</p><p>I am very sorry, Lost.</p><p></p><p>You ask if it is correct to allow him to live alone. It is not a question of allowing.</p><p></p><p>I have found that my authority or control as a parent is close to non-existent, unless my son decides he wants my counsel or help.</p><p></p><p>The only enduring changes will come from our adult children. What they choose to do for themselves, or will accept from others.</p><p></p><p>I see now that what I tried to do for my son...was really for me. My son, little by little, is doing better...when left entirely to his own devices.</p><p></p><p>There are very strong parallels between our children. My son is older, but I wish I had insisted he become independent sooner. He left home at 23. But when he was 19 he went to Job Corps. Sometimes I think it would have been better had I not allowed him to come home.</p><p></p><p>It seems that the factor that underlies all of our stories with our children, is that they do things the hardest way that they can, and refuse to learn. So they, and us, suffer over and over again.</p><p></p><p>We are all wrecks, going through this with them. Until we get permission, give ourselves permission to let go. Not of our love. But we decide we do not have to live their lives with them.</p><p></p><p>There are resources for mentally ill adults. Community resources. Residential treatment, adult day treatment, community mental health, etc. There is SSI. There is subsidized housing.</p><p></p><p>My son has a chronic illness which requires treatment. He is not treatment compliant. For the longest time I was held captive by my fear that he would die of this disease. I am still afraid, but I accept that I do not have control. I have given myself permission to live. To live fully. I have accepted that our lives are separate. His life is his. Mine is mine.</p><p></p><p>I know this may sound harsh. It may be harsh.</p><p></p><p>I recognize now that only my son can solve his own problems. Only he can define if something is a problem. It is not my right to do this for him. He deserves autonomy in his own life and he deserves that I respect his autonomy. He deserves that I protect myself, insulate myself, if his behavior is hurtful to me.</p><p></p><p>So that is what I do. If his conduct in my home is hurtful, I ask him to leave and I make it clear what my limits are. If he speaks to me in phone calls in a way that I find disrespectful or hurtful, I cut the call short. I set clear limits.</p><p></p><p>I am finding that he is responding positively to this. There is a new found reciprocity. Some. I believe my son feels I have more respect for him. And he seems to have found more self-respect. I believe that treating our children like capable and responsible adults empowers them to act as such. </p><p></p><p>Even if they are not acting this way, for us to act as if we believe they can and shall be responsible, empowers them to be so, if they choose.</p><p></p><p>I do not think you can stop your son from living alone, if he chooses to and if he is cleared medically. Nor should you. You are not responsible for his actions. He is.</p><p></p><p>Keep posting. It helps. Really it does.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 675448, member: 18958"] So does my son. He is now 27 and receives SSI for mental illness. My son's behavior was similar. While he lived with me, I insisted he either go to college or job training and work. It was a fight, but he did. He did work in his last job for a year and a half, but sabotaged it. As I see it. He was depressed, quit the job, and told me he tried to commit suicide. I do not know if this is true, because he was in a city several hours away. He told me he attempted suicide more than once. He has been hospitalized several times because he was suicidal. And now he receives SSI for mental illness. He is better now. That I know of, he has not been hospitalized for about 2 years. He no longer makes threats of suicide or says he wants to die. At least to me. I am very sorry, Lost. You ask if it is correct to allow him to live alone. It is not a question of allowing. I have found that my authority or control as a parent is close to non-existent, unless my son decides he wants my counsel or help. The only enduring changes will come from our adult children. What they choose to do for themselves, or will accept from others. I see now that what I tried to do for my son...was really for me. My son, little by little, is doing better...when left entirely to his own devices. There are very strong parallels between our children. My son is older, but I wish I had insisted he become independent sooner. He left home at 23. But when he was 19 he went to Job Corps. Sometimes I think it would have been better had I not allowed him to come home. It seems that the factor that underlies all of our stories with our children, is that they do things the hardest way that they can, and refuse to learn. So they, and us, suffer over and over again. We are all wrecks, going through this with them. Until we get permission, give ourselves permission to let go. Not of our love. But we decide we do not have to live their lives with them. There are resources for mentally ill adults. Community resources. Residential treatment, adult day treatment, community mental health, etc. There is SSI. There is subsidized housing. My son has a chronic illness which requires treatment. He is not treatment compliant. For the longest time I was held captive by my fear that he would die of this disease. I am still afraid, but I accept that I do not have control. I have given myself permission to live. To live fully. I have accepted that our lives are separate. His life is his. Mine is mine. I know this may sound harsh. It may be harsh. I recognize now that only my son can solve his own problems. Only he can define if something is a problem. It is not my right to do this for him. He deserves autonomy in his own life and he deserves that I respect his autonomy. He deserves that I protect myself, insulate myself, if his behavior is hurtful to me. So that is what I do. If his conduct in my home is hurtful, I ask him to leave and I make it clear what my limits are. If he speaks to me in phone calls in a way that I find disrespectful or hurtful, I cut the call short. I set clear limits. I am finding that he is responding positively to this. There is a new found reciprocity. Some. I believe my son feels I have more respect for him. And he seems to have found more self-respect. I believe that treating our children like capable and responsible adults empowers them to act as such. Even if they are not acting this way, for us to act as if we believe they can and shall be responsible, empowers them to be so, if they choose. I do not think you can stop your son from living alone, if he chooses to and if he is cleared medically. Nor should you. You are not responsible for his actions. He is. Keep posting. It helps. Really it does. COPA [/QUOTE]
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My 19 yr old stopped his depression/adhd medications...
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