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my adult son is homeless and I am heartbroken
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 599714" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Don't answer the door. Sigh. Welcome Seo. I am so sorry this is happening with your son. I am glad that you found us, we understand the anguish this is causing you. Many of us here have gone through what you are going through, dealing with an adult homeless kid who makes poor choices and manipulates us to keep paying for their lifestyle choices. Once the felony charges come through, will your son be spending time in jail?</p><p></p><p>If you are inclined to help him with shelter, you might investigate the local homeless shelters, he can stay there until his court date. You can call social services and find out what is offered in the way of shelters in your area. The likelihood is that he will show up at your door once the motel money runs out, unfortunately you will again have to deal with him. You might write up all the options for shelters in your area, even call and see if they have any room and offer him that option. Some here have spoken of the YMCA too. You are under no obligation to continue helping him at all, it is completely your choice, you could also just refuse to help. Some here have had to resort to obtaining a restraining order to keep their kids away. I don't know the history, only you can make the choices that feel right for you.</p><p></p><p>I know firsthand about the middle of the night worry, most of us do way too much trying to figure it out for them. That is enabling, when you are working harder then he is for his life. Since you cannot change him or control his behavior, what we learn is that it is up to us to change OUR behavior, to stop enabling them and to detach from them. There is an article at the bottom of my post on detachment which you might find interesting.</p><p></p><p> It is not easy to detach from our children, but continuing to save them, over and over from their own choices robs them of the ability to make any good choices for themselves and keeps them stuck in being a victim. They have to deal with the natural consequences of their behavior in order to learn anything. And, truthfully, some of them do not learn. You did not mention if your son is involved in substance abuse or if he has any mental or emotional issues, all of which exacerbate the situation considerably.</p><p></p><p>Often it takes a lot of support to detach. It would be helpful, in my opinion, if you got yourself a good therapist to help you to learn how to let go, it is a very difficult road when our children face disastrous circumstances as a result of their own choices. It takes a lot to learn to detach and be able to live our lives with any peace and joy. If it fits, 12 step groups are very helpful. If your son has mental issues, NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) has parent groups which are excellent and they are a good resource for us, you can access them online and they have chapters all over. Codependency groups are helpful too. Learning to disengage from our adult children is filled with struggles, I encourage you to seek out as much support as you can so that you can make good healthy choices that take care of you and your 13 year old daughter.</p><p></p><p>Again, welcome. This is a very supportive and healing place for parents, I hope you continue posting. I wish you peace.............</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 599714, member: 13542"] Don't answer the door. Sigh. Welcome Seo. I am so sorry this is happening with your son. I am glad that you found us, we understand the anguish this is causing you. Many of us here have gone through what you are going through, dealing with an adult homeless kid who makes poor choices and manipulates us to keep paying for their lifestyle choices. Once the felony charges come through, will your son be spending time in jail? If you are inclined to help him with shelter, you might investigate the local homeless shelters, he can stay there until his court date. You can call social services and find out what is offered in the way of shelters in your area. The likelihood is that he will show up at your door once the motel money runs out, unfortunately you will again have to deal with him. You might write up all the options for shelters in your area, even call and see if they have any room and offer him that option. Some here have spoken of the YMCA too. You are under no obligation to continue helping him at all, it is completely your choice, you could also just refuse to help. Some here have had to resort to obtaining a restraining order to keep their kids away. I don't know the history, only you can make the choices that feel right for you. I know firsthand about the middle of the night worry, most of us do way too much trying to figure it out for them. That is enabling, when you are working harder then he is for his life. Since you cannot change him or control his behavior, what we learn is that it is up to us to change OUR behavior, to stop enabling them and to detach from them. There is an article at the bottom of my post on detachment which you might find interesting. It is not easy to detach from our children, but continuing to save them, over and over from their own choices robs them of the ability to make any good choices for themselves and keeps them stuck in being a victim. They have to deal with the natural consequences of their behavior in order to learn anything. And, truthfully, some of them do not learn. You did not mention if your son is involved in substance abuse or if he has any mental or emotional issues, all of which exacerbate the situation considerably. Often it takes a lot of support to detach. It would be helpful, in my opinion, if you got yourself a good therapist to help you to learn how to let go, it is a very difficult road when our children face disastrous circumstances as a result of their own choices. It takes a lot to learn to detach and be able to live our lives with any peace and joy. If it fits, 12 step groups are very helpful. If your son has mental issues, NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) has parent groups which are excellent and they are a good resource for us, you can access them online and they have chapters all over. Codependency groups are helpful too. Learning to disengage from our adult children is filled with struggles, I encourage you to seek out as much support as you can so that you can make good healthy choices that take care of you and your 13 year old daughter. Again, welcome. This is a very supportive and healing place for parents, I hope you continue posting. I wish you peace............. [/QUOTE]
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my adult son is homeless and I am heartbroken
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