My aunt just passed-

[klmno]

My Mom just called and said one of her sister's had died, then said she and her other two sisters were going to just send money in lieu of flowers because this one had been in the hospital a while so they figured $25-$30 would help more than anything. Then she said "bye" and hung up- not because of emotions- she wasn't crying.

My mom is really wierd- she never got the "family" concept at all. Anyway, we had known for a few days that my aunt was probably not going to make it. They had gotten all her kids (grown) there and my uncle was there- these were always the best people- they had the "family" concept, even though they had been the ones to struggle most financially as my generation was growing up(well, they had the most kids-5- LOL).

Anyway, even if four of us put $30 together, that's only $120 and I would be TOTALLY embarressed to do that. They were not financially strapped the past 10-15 years and even so, how much would that amount go toward hospital bills? And, I am not too comfortable with the idea that No One is sending flowers, unless the family requests it. I haven't seen them in 20 years- they lived in Michigan, then Arizona.

I really loved this whole family- not just my aunt. My uncle was great and my cousins from this family always welcomed me much more than any other cousins on either side of the family. My mom has not encouraged a close relationship between me and any of her sisters- even though I was pretty close with another one growing up and have communicated some with the other more as an adult. But my mom ALWAYS referred to them as "her family" to me.

Suggestions?

Would it be "not kosher" to put the $30 toward what the others are giving, and still send a small flowers and a tray of food from a place local to them? There are grown kids but I can't see them or their spouses being in any emotional shape to be worried about food, and there are young grand-children. But I don't want to cause conflict.

 

[DDD]

Boy, that is a strange set of circumstances. Usually I think I have valuable input to share but in this case I don't know what I'd do.
The one thing that I am sure of is that a personal note expressing
your sincere feelings would have to be appreciated. The caring letters
really are a comfort where commercial sympathy cards are not as heartfelt.

To keep peace with your Mom, I suppose you can just opt to go along with her plan if that is what she wants. I wouldn't alienate her at this stage of life since you haven't been able to be close with others in her
family previously. Perhaps you could make a donation in her name to
either the Hospice group she had, her favorite church or the group that
works for medical research for her ailment (heart association or cancer
group etc.)

Please accept my sympathy on your loss. DDD

 

[Star*]

klmno

Sorry for your loss. I think your idea of pitching in to keep peace with your Mom is a good one. And I would send whatever makes YOUR heart happy. If it's a nice deli tray and a plant - then do that.

I think D3 had a good point - a heart written letter always means so much.

Hugs for your loss.
Star

 

[hearts and roses]

{{klmno}} - Sending hugs.

 

[klmno]

Thank you, Ladies! I found a way online to order some food (local to them) and have it delivered. I got croissant sandwiches, potatoe salad, and chicken snacks with dip. It should be there tomorrow, early evening. If my mom mentions $30, I'll send it. I'll drop the flowers idea if I'd be the only one sending them, I guess. I'll write my uncle a letter after a few days- to give things time to calm. My aunt always had good food for us when we visited and I'm sure she can't rest in peace if she thought her kids and grandkids showed up under these circumstances and didn't have food to eat!

This aunt who passed away took care of my grandmother- my mother's mom- for years before she passed. My mom went to Phoenix, as did another aunt, when my grandmother died. I sent a ham and other food then, since so many people were there for a funeral. My mom later told me that some other people ate some of it- she didn't though because , "well, it didn't look too good, but it's ok, it's the thought that counts". That's my Mom! Maybe it wasn't good- I'll never know, but my mom would have said that anyway.

Before my difficult child got in trouble last year, I was looking into taking him to China for a vacation- once in a lifetime thing, you know!?! He was so excited and told my mom- she said "oh, why would you want to go there- you could look off to the side and see someone hanging there from a tree that they have killed". Yep, she's a real inspiration!! Of course, we can't afford to go to China now so what the H***.

I don't know why- I usually don't feel like she raised me!!

 

[timer lady]

One of the best things you can do is 6 months from now when all is said & done. The flowers are gone & people have stopped asking or checking in with this family is to write letters or send cards.

Grieving is a process that takes a lot longer than society allows; when mom died at the beginning of 2007 - we made sure that dad was "covered" , if you will, at all the firsts. Made the weekly phone calls (we would have anyway) to check in. My sister (live 5 miles away) has dad over for dinner every Thursday & Sunday evening.

I guess what I'm saying is to not forget this group of people who really understood family & made you feel special. A phone call every now & again; a card - an acknowledgement in honor of your aunt.