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My counseling session today
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 246211" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>KJS, </p><p> </p><p>There are things you CAN control and things you can NOT control. At this point? You are a self-made control freak. YUP....takes one to know one. </p><p>If I had to guess what made you like that? I'd say over a period of time things in your house got very comfortable. Everyone kinda slid into a roll of complacency and pass the buck was born. </p><p> </p><p>You came into the marriage with a child. You came into the marriage with HUGE responsibilities. You already knew what it was like to sit up at night with a sick baby, what it was like to try to go to work, keep a house, make dinner, shop for necessities, take care of your husband, go to work. </p><p> </p><p>A lot of times - complacent people see this as "Oh well, I guess if she is doing all that? She won't mind taking out the trash tonight because I don't feel well." So (as an example) DF maybe wasn't feeling well and one night said "Hey could you do MY chore tonight?" and since the marriage was fresh and new? You complied willingly. No one ever thinks to say "Okay but just this one time." That is drawing a line in the sand and stating your boundaries.</p><p> </p><p>Eventually you had 2 kids to deal with and to the amazement of some this is wildly controlling - what you used to do for one- you are now doing for two and a husband AND yourself AND a job AND a house. And now you're rushed for time. And you're a little understandibly impatient, maybe cranky, maybe tired, maybe wishing for the good old days of just taking care of yourself - and then you stare at your hubby who is totally CLUELESS whilst laying on the couch that YOU are fuming inside taking care of all the above. So you add a layer of resentment. Not hard to do - most of us would WAY rather keep our traps shut than ever state what our needs are -but how wrong it is and then total resentment happens and then ugly words and then throwing a 90 lb. bud wheel across the yard 30 ft. at your soon to be x's head -nearly an Olympic record but surely enough show of force to be left alone by any smart person...and from there it can work it's way to vindictive, ugly, hateful, out of control self. </p><p> </p><p>Then and verbal nasties just leak out. Why? Mostly because you're mixed up and acting on instinct. You want everyone around you KNOW how bad you feel and inadvertently your brain assumes if you yell, cry or scream to get your point across they will KNOW you feel lonely, tired, uncared for, angry, hurt. Most people upon seeing someone yell and carry on in public would naturally ASSUME that something is wrong with that person. That they need help or could use a hand. When you do it in your home over and over praying it gets your point across? All it does is make your family view you as a person who isn't able to control themselves and is insane. </p><p> </p><p>The definition of insane is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a differnt result each time. In yelling and having a fit as an adult woman to get your point across - YOU are behaving insane and nothing is every going to get solved. Think about it - IF your family had one incling of HOW hard you work - would they leave everything to you? Nope. You want them to pitch in - they have no clue what to do. So you have to learn to delegate and detach. </p><p> </p><p>You wanted to know HOW you start to STOP yelling? Ughhhhh very hard habit to break. I used to think that YELLING and SCREAMING, and tantrums would get my family to HEAR me. I almost used to like screaming and arguing. I swear I put it down as a hobby on a psychiatrist getting to know you list. After realizing that what I really really wanted in my life MORE than anything was peace? I began to transform back to the person I visualized myself to be. Ten years later? OMG I haven't raised my voice in so long - that now when I do? People really DO listen. It's a signal to anyone around me - HELP, PLEASE, COME - DO....for me. NOT OMG there's the crazy Momma yelling and having a seizure again. </p><p> </p><p>I didn't get that way KJS over-night. I didn't become some screaming, jumping, red faced, pull my hair out, fist pounding, wall kicking person beacuse I got help in my home with things a family helps you with. I got that way beacuse I took on too much responsibility, I had NO earthly idea how to delegate or be a leader, I had not honed any skills in effective communication nor did I know what fighting fair was. I just knew I hurt, I was left to do it all, I was stewing, and I wasted a LOT of my life and a LOT of my childs life behaving that way. </p><p> </p><p>How do you stop yelling at a child? That's easy. SHUT UP. BE the grownup. Be an avid listener. Learn HOW to talk to people all over again. Don't try to one up someone's bad day, learn how to say NO I WILL NOT, or NO, I don't want to do that, or NO, YOU are going to have to, and my favorite - Well if you don't do it....that's on you. And most importantly - Learn how to walk away - hit a pillow, go for a walk, and step out of your own body when a conflict ensues and watch yourself, watch your actions, LISTEN to HOW you are talking to your child - and then ask yourself - "Gosh why does he talk to others and me the way he does?" Where is he getting it from - AND.....above all - accept the responsiblity for your bad behaviors. You're human - but yelling solves nothing. It's just another layer of resentment. </p><p> </p><p>You love your family - If you didn't you wouldn't be seeking help for ALL of you. If your son )(#$)(#*+_)@+#_)+@((%(*#&%(*#&%(!@+_+_ in the car all the 20 miles there - TAKE AN IPOD and tune him out. Don't say ANYTHING TO HIM....when he calls you a big fat warthog? Say mmm hmmm....or Ohhhhhh......NO WORDS....</p><p> </p><p>Thats where I started with Dude - years ago - NO WORDS in the car. UNLESS he asked me a direct question nicely. If he didn't ask nicely? Then my ONLY verbal response was - "I know you are a smart boy and can phrase that question in a more respectful way." And of course I was mocked, made faces at, called names. Many times Dude threatened to jump out of the car at 70 mph. I was to say nothing. One time he picked up a book and threatened to hit me with it. THAT was the last time that happened.....I'm driving along doing my MMMMM mmmmm & ohhhh exercise and he said "IF YOU DON'T TALK TO ME AND STOP Mmmmm and OOO I"M GOING TO HIT YOU WITH THIS BOOK B#(CH." and at that point I whipped the car on the berm at 70mph....hit the breaks and put the car in park and said as calm and collected as I could "If you hit me with anything, ever I will take you to the police station and press charges." With that? It freaked him out - these kids FEED off negativity and LIVE to get a rise out of us. If they get it - THEY win - </p><p> </p><p>So for now - tell yourself YOU MUST WIN.....and keep your mouth shut....and in the car - on the way there? Just mmmmmhhhhmmm and oh....and LISTEN. </p><p> </p><p>As for son not doing homework? </p><p>WHO'S HOMEWORK IS IT? - HIS</p><p>WHO WILL SUFFER A CONSEQUENCE AND POSSIBLY BE HELD BACK FOR NOT DOING IT? HIM</p><p>WHO SHOULD DELEGATE and DETACH about the entire homework situation? YOU.....</p><p>Tell him - "Okay bud - here's the deal - it's your homework. I have emails from your teachers so I know what you are supposed to have done each night. As of today - THAT responsibility is yours (delegating) and I will only be asking you if you have it done, not asking to see it (detaching). </p><p>But....when test time comes, and you are not prepared and your grade goes lower then your punishment will be (you decide again delegating) and you won't get that privlege back UNTIL you bring the grade up ONE letter. Your a smart boy, I know you can get good grades and I'll help you if you need me to." THEN LEAVE IT ALONE. </p><p> </p><p>Did you ever ask his teacher for the emails so you WOULD know what his assignments were? If not???? WHY????? It's the best way to stay on top and let your kid know YOU KNOW and ARE on top of things, but yet you're placing the responsibility back in his lap....his homework - his consequence. </p><p> </p><p>For the record - I too had an incident in the psychiatrists office like you had. I used to not let go - I had the tenacity for arguing and winning. But when you really look at what you are doing and how you sound and WHY you are doing it - you're not winning - your'e creating MORE problems for yourself and you're damaging yourkids self esteem. Which would you rather have - psycho mom yelling and screaming OR semi-calm Mom reasoning or detaching to your problems? Then if that doesn't work - take yourself to Walmart on a Saturday afternoon, head to the toy aisle - and just LISTEN to how Mothers address their children - after 2 weekend Saturdays of listening to those people? I came to the therapists with a brand new plan. It was awful - </p><p> </p><p>So before I write a book to you - remember.....mmmm hmmmm and OKay </p><p>and get the teacher to email you son's assignments then let it go - </p><p> </p><p>PUT IT IN A BUBBLE AND LET IT GO - one DELEGATED, DETACHMENT at a time. </p><p> </p><p>Hugs - </p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 246211, member: 4964"] KJS, There are things you CAN control and things you can NOT control. At this point? You are a self-made control freak. YUP....takes one to know one. If I had to guess what made you like that? I'd say over a period of time things in your house got very comfortable. Everyone kinda slid into a roll of complacency and pass the buck was born. You came into the marriage with a child. You came into the marriage with HUGE responsibilities. You already knew what it was like to sit up at night with a sick baby, what it was like to try to go to work, keep a house, make dinner, shop for necessities, take care of your husband, go to work. A lot of times - complacent people see this as "Oh well, I guess if she is doing all that? She won't mind taking out the trash tonight because I don't feel well." So (as an example) DF maybe wasn't feeling well and one night said "Hey could you do MY chore tonight?" and since the marriage was fresh and new? You complied willingly. No one ever thinks to say "Okay but just this one time." That is drawing a line in the sand and stating your boundaries. Eventually you had 2 kids to deal with and to the amazement of some this is wildly controlling - what you used to do for one- you are now doing for two and a husband AND yourself AND a job AND a house. And now you're rushed for time. And you're a little understandibly impatient, maybe cranky, maybe tired, maybe wishing for the good old days of just taking care of yourself - and then you stare at your hubby who is totally CLUELESS whilst laying on the couch that YOU are fuming inside taking care of all the above. So you add a layer of resentment. Not hard to do - most of us would WAY rather keep our traps shut than ever state what our needs are -but how wrong it is and then total resentment happens and then ugly words and then throwing a 90 lb. bud wheel across the yard 30 ft. at your soon to be x's head -nearly an Olympic record but surely enough show of force to be left alone by any smart person...and from there it can work it's way to vindictive, ugly, hateful, out of control self. Then and verbal nasties just leak out. Why? Mostly because you're mixed up and acting on instinct. You want everyone around you KNOW how bad you feel and inadvertently your brain assumes if you yell, cry or scream to get your point across they will KNOW you feel lonely, tired, uncared for, angry, hurt. Most people upon seeing someone yell and carry on in public would naturally ASSUME that something is wrong with that person. That they need help or could use a hand. When you do it in your home over and over praying it gets your point across? All it does is make your family view you as a person who isn't able to control themselves and is insane. The definition of insane is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a differnt result each time. In yelling and having a fit as an adult woman to get your point across - YOU are behaving insane and nothing is every going to get solved. Think about it - IF your family had one incling of HOW hard you work - would they leave everything to you? Nope. You want them to pitch in - they have no clue what to do. So you have to learn to delegate and detach. You wanted to know HOW you start to STOP yelling? Ughhhhh very hard habit to break. I used to think that YELLING and SCREAMING, and tantrums would get my family to HEAR me. I almost used to like screaming and arguing. I swear I put it down as a hobby on a psychiatrist getting to know you list. After realizing that what I really really wanted in my life MORE than anything was peace? I began to transform back to the person I visualized myself to be. Ten years later? OMG I haven't raised my voice in so long - that now when I do? People really DO listen. It's a signal to anyone around me - HELP, PLEASE, COME - DO....for me. NOT OMG there's the crazy Momma yelling and having a seizure again. I didn't get that way KJS over-night. I didn't become some screaming, jumping, red faced, pull my hair out, fist pounding, wall kicking person beacuse I got help in my home with things a family helps you with. I got that way beacuse I took on too much responsibility, I had NO earthly idea how to delegate or be a leader, I had not honed any skills in effective communication nor did I know what fighting fair was. I just knew I hurt, I was left to do it all, I was stewing, and I wasted a LOT of my life and a LOT of my childs life behaving that way. How do you stop yelling at a child? That's easy. SHUT UP. BE the grownup. Be an avid listener. Learn HOW to talk to people all over again. Don't try to one up someone's bad day, learn how to say NO I WILL NOT, or NO, I don't want to do that, or NO, YOU are going to have to, and my favorite - Well if you don't do it....that's on you. And most importantly - Learn how to walk away - hit a pillow, go for a walk, and step out of your own body when a conflict ensues and watch yourself, watch your actions, LISTEN to HOW you are talking to your child - and then ask yourself - "Gosh why does he talk to others and me the way he does?" Where is he getting it from - AND.....above all - accept the responsiblity for your bad behaviors. You're human - but yelling solves nothing. It's just another layer of resentment. You love your family - If you didn't you wouldn't be seeking help for ALL of you. If your son )(#$)(#*+_)@+#_)+@((%(*#&%(*#&%(!@+_+_ in the car all the 20 miles there - TAKE AN IPOD and tune him out. Don't say ANYTHING TO HIM....when he calls you a big fat warthog? Say mmm hmmm....or Ohhhhhh......NO WORDS.... Thats where I started with Dude - years ago - NO WORDS in the car. UNLESS he asked me a direct question nicely. If he didn't ask nicely? Then my ONLY verbal response was - "I know you are a smart boy and can phrase that question in a more respectful way." And of course I was mocked, made faces at, called names. Many times Dude threatened to jump out of the car at 70 mph. I was to say nothing. One time he picked up a book and threatened to hit me with it. THAT was the last time that happened.....I'm driving along doing my MMMMM mmmmm & ohhhh exercise and he said "IF YOU DON'T TALK TO ME AND STOP Mmmmm and OOO I"M GOING TO HIT YOU WITH THIS BOOK B#(CH." and at that point I whipped the car on the berm at 70mph....hit the breaks and put the car in park and said as calm and collected as I could "If you hit me with anything, ever I will take you to the police station and press charges." With that? It freaked him out - these kids FEED off negativity and LIVE to get a rise out of us. If they get it - THEY win - So for now - tell yourself YOU MUST WIN.....and keep your mouth shut....and in the car - on the way there? Just mmmmmhhhhmmm and oh....and LISTEN. As for son not doing homework? WHO'S HOMEWORK IS IT? - HIS WHO WILL SUFFER A CONSEQUENCE AND POSSIBLY BE HELD BACK FOR NOT DOING IT? HIM WHO SHOULD DELEGATE and DETACH about the entire homework situation? YOU..... Tell him - "Okay bud - here's the deal - it's your homework. I have emails from your teachers so I know what you are supposed to have done each night. As of today - THAT responsibility is yours (delegating) and I will only be asking you if you have it done, not asking to see it (detaching). But....when test time comes, and you are not prepared and your grade goes lower then your punishment will be (you decide again delegating) and you won't get that privlege back UNTIL you bring the grade up ONE letter. Your a smart boy, I know you can get good grades and I'll help you if you need me to." THEN LEAVE IT ALONE. Did you ever ask his teacher for the emails so you WOULD know what his assignments were? If not???? WHY????? It's the best way to stay on top and let your kid know YOU KNOW and ARE on top of things, but yet you're placing the responsibility back in his lap....his homework - his consequence. For the record - I too had an incident in the psychiatrists office like you had. I used to not let go - I had the tenacity for arguing and winning. But when you really look at what you are doing and how you sound and WHY you are doing it - you're not winning - your'e creating MORE problems for yourself and you're damaging yourkids self esteem. Which would you rather have - psycho mom yelling and screaming OR semi-calm Mom reasoning or detaching to your problems? Then if that doesn't work - take yourself to Walmart on a Saturday afternoon, head to the toy aisle - and just LISTEN to how Mothers address their children - after 2 weekend Saturdays of listening to those people? I came to the therapists with a brand new plan. It was awful - So before I write a book to you - remember.....mmmm hmmmm and OKay and get the teacher to email you son's assignments then let it go - PUT IT IN A BUBBLE AND LET IT GO - one DELEGATED, DETACHMENT at a time. Hugs - Star [/QUOTE]
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