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The Watercooler
My counseling session today
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<blockquote data-quote="hearts and roses" data-source="post: 246451" data-attributes="member: 2211"><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: indigo">Hugs kjs, it sounds like it is YOUR turn to 'drop the ball' and let the you-know-what fly where it may. I know that is the most difficult thing to do as the 'doer' in your home. Letting go is not easy, allowing difficult child to fail and suffer the natural consequences of his actions is not easy. Learning not to blather on about your day to someone who isn't listening anyway is not easy. The silence is deafening - I never understood that expression until I lived with my exh.</span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: indigo">If you can, create a very short list of goals for each day, maybe only one or two or three things for each day (you don't want to overwhelm yourself); such as 1) Go for a walk outside or someplace void of distractions and interruptions, 2) Make a promise to yourself to not get into any arguments with difficult child today, 3) Promise yourself that you will not micromanage difficult child - will not ask about homework or take any calls from the school.</span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: indigo">You have to take baby steps [back] and do less for everyone else. I KNOW it's difficult not to look over difficult child's homework and school issues, but you MUST NOT.</span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: indigo">And I have to agree with Suz - what is it about this man and marriage that you are trying so desperately to save? What is <em>left </em>to save? What indication, if at all, has he given you that he is even remotely interested in re-creating what you may have once had or that he wants to start over, pick up the pieces and begin anew? In what ways has he shown you that he is ready and willing and capable of putting your marriage first, before difficult child? Because that is how a marriage works....the marriage comes before the kiddos. It takes two to make it work but you are the only one making an effort. Just because he's GOING to counseling doesn't mean he's TRYING. In order for real change to occur, he needs to make the necessary adjustments in the way in which he deals with you, talks with you, listens to you, works with you....etc. Instead, it sounds as if he's worse than he ever was.</span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: indigo">At some point, after exerting so much of yourself, you have to admit that whatever you're doing is not working or is not enough - and THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU'VE FAILED. It simply means that it is not the right thing at the right time and it's out of your control. </span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: indigo">Listen, each of us has to come to this realization on our own and in our own time (I know I am grappling with this right now myself). You will too, when you're ready. In the meantime, I pray that you don't end up in the hospital out of sheer exhaustion. Kjs, you are a loving mother and woman; you deserve to have some peace in your life and happiness; you deserve to be near and around people who want to understand you and care for you, who are receptive to your needs just as you are receptive to theirs. With the way you do so much for others, you are entitled to that. Don't discount yourself!</span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: indigo">Hugs~I'm so sorry for your frustrations and anger and resentment and hope you're able to feel peace real soon. </span></span></span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="hearts and roses, post: 246451, member: 2211"] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=3][COLOR=indigo]Hugs kjs, it sounds like it is YOUR turn to 'drop the ball' and let the you-know-what fly where it may. I know that is the most difficult thing to do as the 'doer' in your home. Letting go is not easy, allowing difficult child to fail and suffer the natural consequences of his actions is not easy. Learning not to blather on about your day to someone who isn't listening anyway is not easy. The silence is deafening - I never understood that expression until I lived with my exh.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=3][COLOR=indigo][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=3][COLOR=indigo]If you can, create a very short list of goals for each day, maybe only one or two or three things for each day (you don't want to overwhelm yourself); such as 1) Go for a walk outside or someplace void of distractions and interruptions, 2) Make a promise to yourself to not get into any arguments with difficult child today, 3) Promise yourself that you will not micromanage difficult child - will not ask about homework or take any calls from the school.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=3][COLOR=indigo][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=3][COLOR=indigo]You have to take baby steps [back] and do less for everyone else. I KNOW it's difficult not to look over difficult child's homework and school issues, but you MUST NOT.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=3][COLOR=indigo][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=3][COLOR=indigo]And I have to agree with Suz - what is it about this man and marriage that you are trying so desperately to save? What is [I]left [/I]to save? What indication, if at all, has he given you that he is even remotely interested in re-creating what you may have once had or that he wants to start over, pick up the pieces and begin anew? In what ways has he shown you that he is ready and willing and capable of putting your marriage first, before difficult child? Because that is how a marriage works....the marriage comes before the kiddos. It takes two to make it work but you are the only one making an effort. Just because he's GOING to counseling doesn't mean he's TRYING. In order for real change to occur, he needs to make the necessary adjustments in the way in which he deals with you, talks with you, listens to you, works with you....etc. Instead, it sounds as if he's worse than he ever was.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=3][COLOR=indigo][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=3][COLOR=indigo]At some point, after exerting so much of yourself, you have to admit that whatever you're doing is not working or is not enough - and THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU'VE FAILED. It simply means that it is not the right thing at the right time and it's out of your control. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=3][COLOR=indigo][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=3][COLOR=indigo]Listen, each of us has to come to this realization on our own and in our own time (I know I am grappling with this right now myself). You will too, when you're ready. In the meantime, I pray that you don't end up in the hospital out of sheer exhaustion. Kjs, you are a loving mother and woman; you deserve to have some peace in your life and happiness; you deserve to be near and around people who want to understand you and care for you, who are receptive to your needs just as you are receptive to theirs. With the way you do so much for others, you are entitled to that. Don't discount yourself![/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=3][COLOR=indigo][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=3][COLOR=indigo]Hugs~I'm so sorry for your frustrations and anger and resentment and hope you're able to feel peace real soon. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [/QUOTE]
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