My heart is beginning to harden ...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by shellyd67, Oct 16, 2013.

  1. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    We are on a downward spiral. difficult child is struggling so bad in school. He is so defiant and rude. I love him but I do not like him one bit.

    I cry everyday. I am trying to find counseling but my copay is $50 for each visit. I cannot afford to send difficult child and myself. He needs it more than I do right now.

    He is refusing to even pick up his pencil or open his text books. I get a call or email from his school once or twice a week. difficult child is not focusing, difficult child is not cooperating. His SD is really supportive and working with us in every way. Some of his teachers even offered to come in early to tutor him. He refuses ( I cannot blame him, he isn't able to manage his regular day let alone come in early) He has learning support teachers in his classes and all his teachers send home study guides, etc...

    He has been back and forth to the therapist three times in the last month. No medicine has ever worked for him. NOTHING ! He has terrible side effects and still is unfocused and "checks out".

    husband and I have contempt between us. We both help difficult child tremendously but if he does not atleast try to help himself we are in a lose lose situation.

    It doesn't help that his sister is an honor student who excels at everything she touches and is well liked and popular.

    He hates her and treats her terribly yet she always tries to win his love and friendship.

    It is heartbreaking.

    My gut tells me he is mentally ill or has Autism on some level but no Doctor will concur.

    I forget how to change my signature, difficult child is now 13 & 1/2 and takes 5mg of Lexapro.

    I feel like giving up on him ...
  2. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Is homeschooling an option?

    I just wonder if a quiet, no-distraction environment with plenty of one-on-one attention from a parent/teacher and no pressure/competition from other kids would be a better "fit" for him ?
  3. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Trust your Mommy gut. You are probably more right than the doctors.

    It took us four comprehensive evaluations to get a fairly accurate picture.
    Keep fighting. This isn't his fault any more than it is your fault. He has major challenges to deal with and until you get the right labels you will not get the right help.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Have you taken him to a neuropsychologist?

    Personally, I wouldn't fight with him about school. It won't make him do any better. He either finds it too stressful or finds it too hard. I never did pay too much attention to the school's take on things. Yes, I wanted to know what was going on and, yes, I was ever-so-grateful for those who were willing to help. But my concern was my child's mental health, not good grades, until I knew what was going on and we could all work on it.

    Don't cry every day, hon. Try not to be so sad. Look, you are a good, caring mother who has a differently wired child. They do not follow the normal patterns of development. Next to taking care of his needs, you have got to take care of your own as well and that requires you to stand back, wait for him to get properly diagnosed, and be good to yourself. Do the things you like to do, pamper yourself, tell yourself that you will be better for your son and for yourself if you take the time to keep functioning.

    I wish you the best and hope you do get to a neuropsychologist. If you already saw one, hey, not all of them are of the same quality. I would get a second opinion. I got second and third opinions on Sonic! Hugs!!!!
  5. Confused

    Confused Guest

    shellyd67, Hopefully you can keep going for other opinions. What about his reg pediatrician? Can you talk them him/her and show them everything you have done and everything that hasnt worked? I kept "annoying" my sons Dr until one of them in the Dr group sent us for help, bring questionnaires, schoolwork, teacher notes , maybe even video of any issues if you can. Like all said here, change doctors or keep on them, well, it worked for us! Also, maybe if you can go in to different offices ( neuropsychologist etc) or someone that can help, go in and talk in person for another opinion..Hugs
  6. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    I agree with everybody else here and I think you should seek another opinion. If your gut says he could be on the spectrum, you may be right. I was told by two different doctors that there was no possible way my son had autism, even though my intuition told me otherwise. He was evaluated twice, and I was told that since he played with cars appropriately, there was no way he was on the spectrum. They told me that since he didn't line them up in rows and he played with toys, he couldn't possibly be autistic. I continued to watch my son struggle at school and home till I finally took him to see a neuropsychologist, and he was formally diagnosed with Asperger's. I have no doubt that my son is on the spectrum and we finally have the correct diagnosis. I hope you can find a different doctor who will take you seriously and you can finally get him the proper help he needs.
  7. Jules71

    Jules71 Warrior Mom since 2007

    Ohhhh Shelly - I am so sorry things are so hard. I can relate.

    I agree with others about worrying less about his schooling/education right now and more about his mental health. I think we are not far behind you. I have kept online school in the back of my mind for such a day. Although I am not sure that would work either.

    Hang in there. What have you done lately just for YOU?
  8. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Another one who agrees that his mental and emotional health is much more important than his school work.

    Parenting our difficult children is a roller coaster ride. We understand your pain, sadness and frustration.

    Do something special for yourself this weekend and then on Monday pull out and shine up your Warrior Mom armor and "have at it". The saying, "this too shall pass" is what I kept in mind at all times when my difficult child was in his dark phase. It took time (a couple years to really get some stability and set him again on the right path), patience, sleepless nights, binge eating, tons of doctor appts, medicine trials, unbelievable stress, behavior therapy, talk therapy, lost friends, missed social outings, school meetings, crying and lots of prayer but we came out stronger on the other side. Remember that our difficult children are a work in progress....


  9. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    Thank you everyone. I am so worried about his mental health and his future. I have taken him to two different NeuroPsychologists, therapists, behavioral therapy and more ... I cannot homeschool him because I work and also it would just destroy our already strained relationship. I am just hoping for some better days ahead. Have a great weekend all !!
  10. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Shelly-sending some hugs for your hurting heart. We all understand that loving but not liking our difficult children. Having difficult children does at times harden our hearts. It isn't that we give up on them but sometimes with the garbage they throw our way our hearts harden some. For me it was a matter of survival to a point. With the violence and the verbiage that difficult child spewed on a regular basis if I didn't pull on that rhino skin I would have been crying non stop. However, it is much easier said than done; there are still days when I feel the pain of the words of hate and rudeness. I try to remind myself it isn't him so much as his illness and we keep on working on it.