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Substance Abuse
My independent adult son is not who he wants us to believe he is
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 618429" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I wanted to make sure you knew people are reading your post. I think the problem is, it's hard to give you any hope. In fact, although anyone can change, if he does, it will not be because of anything YOU say or do. It will be because he gets sick of himself or gets arrested and thrown in jail.</p><p></p><p>He is an adult, albeit a young one. You should in my opinion tell him what you know (be prepared for him to ignore anything except that you breached his privacy). Many of us breach privacy. Oh, well. Boo hoo. Don't give out signals that you are breaking the law and we won't. Or live completely on your own without any help from Dad and Mom and maybe we won't.</p><p></p><p>If you are paying for anything, even if he pays you back with his drug money, cut him off. I'd tell him you don't want money made that way and since he has to pay you back that you are no longer fronting him anything. i hope at 22 he can pay his own cell phone, internet and car insurance. If he can't, maybe he should get a legitimate job that doesn't depend upon if some drug addict pays up. Are you sure he even still works/ Is it full time? Why doesn't he know how to set up payment time so that you don't have to pay before him? He could be using your money for drugs, not for it's intended use. Hereafter, if you still want to pay for him, pay directly to the company. Don't give him a DIME. He is not trustworthy.</p><p></p><p>You can not be a proactive parent to a 22 year old. He is an adult and legally does not have to listen to you. You also in my opinion can not expect a 22 year old, even a good one, to want to hang around with your family a lot. That part isn't fair. They grow up and move on and have their own interests and families. Now in this case he is probably scarce moreso because of his lifestyle, but it will still never again be like it was when the kids were young. I'm on my fifth kid, who is about to turn eighteen. it is normal and healthy that they WANT to pull away and be on their own. "Give them roots to grow and wings to fly."</p><p></p><p>And in the same spirit of the roots and wings, you can't control your son's horrible illegal choices. But you can control your reaction to them. This is not the time to worry about whether or not he likes you. He will not like you right now. My daughter hated me when i found her drugs and searched her room, etc., but we are best friends now. For the moment, your son will hate you for finding out his dirty little secrets and will try to turn this all around to be about your violating his privacy, which he doesn't deserve as he is still somewhat dependent on your monetary support.</p><p></p><p>I would learn about detachment. It sounds like you have been so involved in your son's life (I was like this once) that you are still hoping to have the same control over him that you had when he was, say, ten. When our adult kids go wrong it is best for them and for us to detach and step back from their drama and NOT enable them with our money, our looking the other way, our excuses or the guilt they try to pour on us. It isn't our faults that they choose criminal behavior and we have no obligation to help a grown child while he engages in it. That will not make them stop doing it. It won't even make them like us more. It will make them laugh at us secretly and have no respect for us.</p><p></p><p>he is not going to be that kid who drops by for Sunday dinner right now. You can't control him by being proactive anymore. But there is a silver lining here. You can control the one person in the world..the ONLY person..that you have any control over...YOURsELF! And you are as important as your son, even if the concept shocks you and is new to you. You would be much happier if you focused on making yourself happy. Rekindle your relationship with those who are kind to you and appreciate you and do not break the law or use you. I suggest therapy for yourself to help you build a new life for yourself and maybe a twelve step program like nar-Anon. If he is selling, mostly likely he is using.</p><p></p><p>You son is probably selling to minors. Think about it. He does not deserve your money, your help or your pity. he should in my opinion need to earn back your trust. It doesn't matter if he had some bad experiences that he will claim "made" him do it. A lot of kids have had bad experiences and they are not selling drugs.</p><p></p><p>I am really sorry you had to join us, but you will find we are always here to pick you up when you think nobody understands. We do understand. Most of us have been there.</p><p></p><p>Hugs for your hurting mommy heart. If you like, you can share the rest of the story with us.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 618429, member: 1550"] I wanted to make sure you knew people are reading your post. I think the problem is, it's hard to give you any hope. In fact, although anyone can change, if he does, it will not be because of anything YOU say or do. It will be because he gets sick of himself or gets arrested and thrown in jail. He is an adult, albeit a young one. You should in my opinion tell him what you know (be prepared for him to ignore anything except that you breached his privacy). Many of us breach privacy. Oh, well. Boo hoo. Don't give out signals that you are breaking the law and we won't. Or live completely on your own without any help from Dad and Mom and maybe we won't. If you are paying for anything, even if he pays you back with his drug money, cut him off. I'd tell him you don't want money made that way and since he has to pay you back that you are no longer fronting him anything. i hope at 22 he can pay his own cell phone, internet and car insurance. If he can't, maybe he should get a legitimate job that doesn't depend upon if some drug addict pays up. Are you sure he even still works/ Is it full time? Why doesn't he know how to set up payment time so that you don't have to pay before him? He could be using your money for drugs, not for it's intended use. Hereafter, if you still want to pay for him, pay directly to the company. Don't give him a DIME. He is not trustworthy. You can not be a proactive parent to a 22 year old. He is an adult and legally does not have to listen to you. You also in my opinion can not expect a 22 year old, even a good one, to want to hang around with your family a lot. That part isn't fair. They grow up and move on and have their own interests and families. Now in this case he is probably scarce moreso because of his lifestyle, but it will still never again be like it was when the kids were young. I'm on my fifth kid, who is about to turn eighteen. it is normal and healthy that they WANT to pull away and be on their own. "Give them roots to grow and wings to fly." And in the same spirit of the roots and wings, you can't control your son's horrible illegal choices. But you can control your reaction to them. This is not the time to worry about whether or not he likes you. He will not like you right now. My daughter hated me when i found her drugs and searched her room, etc., but we are best friends now. For the moment, your son will hate you for finding out his dirty little secrets and will try to turn this all around to be about your violating his privacy, which he doesn't deserve as he is still somewhat dependent on your monetary support. I would learn about detachment. It sounds like you have been so involved in your son's life (I was like this once) that you are still hoping to have the same control over him that you had when he was, say, ten. When our adult kids go wrong it is best for them and for us to detach and step back from their drama and NOT enable them with our money, our looking the other way, our excuses or the guilt they try to pour on us. It isn't our faults that they choose criminal behavior and we have no obligation to help a grown child while he engages in it. That will not make them stop doing it. It won't even make them like us more. It will make them laugh at us secretly and have no respect for us. he is not going to be that kid who drops by for Sunday dinner right now. You can't control him by being proactive anymore. But there is a silver lining here. You can control the one person in the world..the ONLY person..that you have any control over...YOURsELF! And you are as important as your son, even if the concept shocks you and is new to you. You would be much happier if you focused on making yourself happy. Rekindle your relationship with those who are kind to you and appreciate you and do not break the law or use you. I suggest therapy for yourself to help you build a new life for yourself and maybe a twelve step program like nar-Anon. If he is selling, mostly likely he is using. You son is probably selling to minors. Think about it. He does not deserve your money, your help or your pity. he should in my opinion need to earn back your trust. It doesn't matter if he had some bad experiences that he will claim "made" him do it. A lot of kids have had bad experiences and they are not selling drugs. I am really sorry you had to join us, but you will find we are always here to pick you up when you think nobody understands. We do understand. Most of us have been there. Hugs for your hurting mommy heart. If you like, you can share the rest of the story with us. [/QUOTE]
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My independent adult son is not who he wants us to believe he is
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