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Substance Abuse
My independent adult son is not who he wants us to believe he is
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<blockquote data-quote="Signorina" data-source="post: 618464"><p>I am in a very similar situation as yours.</p><p></p><p>It's really hard to come to terms with being powerless to stop them or straighten them out. I struggle with it every day. I feel like a freight train is heading for my son and he is living on the tracks. I can't accept who he has become but in reality - that's exactly what I need to do - because I cannot make him change. Goodness knows, I have tried and tried and tried and failed. (And cried, and cried and cried) And I can't fathom how I can let this happen but really I don't have any power to change it.</p><p></p><p>When I first started posting here, I almost felt like the other posters "didn't get it." They wanted me to detach and let go but they didn't understand that this is my beloved child and that I HAD TO MAKE HIM CHANGE AND I HAD TO GET HIM BACK & BACK ON TRACK.Doing so was a MUST. While the posters weren't flippant, I almost felt like they were. I couldn't fathom not finding a way to CHANGE him. That's why I was here. I needed to road map and the magic formula to CHANGE him.</p><p></p><p>2-1/2 years later, I am learning to change myself. I'm not doing a very well at it. We've tried everything - a hard line, a soft line, no contact, lots of contact. We've done everything possible. Like your son, my difficult child is a really good impostor. He is polite, has a job, is usually clean cut, can say and do the right things. He can be a great fake and can tell us exactly what we want to hear and we seize so much hope from that. It's all a lie of course. And he checks out often. (it's been nearly 2 weeks since we heard from him despite his promise to come to dinner every Sunday and to pay me for his cell phone.) I'd like to think it's because he can't face himself in our eyes. Of course, I have no idea. But I know I have to face who he is and learn to make some sort of peace with it before it eats me alive.</p><p></p><p>So, I am coasting. Going with the flow. My expectations are 0 and I am doing my best not to hover or worry. I have slowly realized that it is HIS life and that HE will bear the brunt of his decisions. Only he can turn his life around. We gave him the tools - the morals, the values, the solid support - they may be dusty; but they exist should he need or want to find them. We can't and won't save him. We tried that and we are exactly back to where we started except we are not estranged which is a good thing. We may not be in touch, but the hostility is not bubbling at the surface. It's amazing what you can learn to live with - even if you go kicking and screaming because you don't want to accept that there are no magic words or actions that will change the course our sons have set for themselves. We are hear to listen.</p><p></p><p>be good to yourself.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Signorina, post: 618464"] I am in a very similar situation as yours. It's really hard to come to terms with being powerless to stop them or straighten them out. I struggle with it every day. I feel like a freight train is heading for my son and he is living on the tracks. I can't accept who he has become but in reality - that's exactly what I need to do - because I cannot make him change. Goodness knows, I have tried and tried and tried and failed. (And cried, and cried and cried) And I can't fathom how I can let this happen but really I don't have any power to change it. When I first started posting here, I almost felt like the other posters "didn't get it." They wanted me to detach and let go but they didn't understand that this is my beloved child and that I HAD TO MAKE HIM CHANGE AND I HAD TO GET HIM BACK & BACK ON TRACK.Doing so was a MUST. While the posters weren't flippant, I almost felt like they were. I couldn't fathom not finding a way to CHANGE him. That's why I was here. I needed to road map and the magic formula to CHANGE him. 2-1/2 years later, I am learning to change myself. I'm not doing a very well at it. We've tried everything - a hard line, a soft line, no contact, lots of contact. We've done everything possible. Like your son, my difficult child is a really good impostor. He is polite, has a job, is usually clean cut, can say and do the right things. He can be a great fake and can tell us exactly what we want to hear and we seize so much hope from that. It's all a lie of course. And he checks out often. (it's been nearly 2 weeks since we heard from him despite his promise to come to dinner every Sunday and to pay me for his cell phone.) I'd like to think it's because he can't face himself in our eyes. Of course, I have no idea. But I know I have to face who he is and learn to make some sort of peace with it before it eats me alive. So, I am coasting. Going with the flow. My expectations are 0 and I am doing my best not to hover or worry. I have slowly realized that it is HIS life and that HE will bear the brunt of his decisions. Only he can turn his life around. We gave him the tools - the morals, the values, the solid support - they may be dusty; but they exist should he need or want to find them. We can't and won't save him. We tried that and we are exactly back to where we started except we are not estranged which is a good thing. We may not be in touch, but the hostility is not bubbling at the surface. It's amazing what you can learn to live with - even if you go kicking and screaming because you don't want to accept that there are no magic words or actions that will change the course our sons have set for themselves. We are hear to listen. be good to yourself. [/QUOTE]
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