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Substance Abuse
My independent adult son is not who he wants us to believe he is
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 618609" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>There is nothing <em><strong>most</strong></em> grown kids hate more than pushy parents who won't stay out of their business.</p><p></p><p>You are moving on to a different relationship with your son. He is not going to want to spend as much time with you as he did. It would be unhealthy if he did.</p><p></p><p>His negative choices about his life are not because of you unless you pointed a loaded gun at his head and forced him to make those choices. His world expanded and he chose to group himself with some unsavory people who are probably doing what he does. They validate each other. This is not because of anything you did or did not do, even if he tries to justify it by changing the subject purposefully to make you feel so guilty that you'll back down on the real issue, which is himself and your consequences for his illegal behavior.</p><p></p><p>Our kids get tons of influence from the outside world once they start high school and we can't stop that. I know homeschooled kids who are doing community service at the humane society where i volunteer. Yes...kids who never even went to school. They are related and their family wanted them to have minimal contact with outsiders. Well, they got sick of it and rebelled and got into trouble with the law.</p><p></p><p>You are not responsible for your son's bad decisions, and the worst thing you can do for him in my opinion is to act guilty or to turn the other cheek. I would take a harsh stand. if he wants to break the law, then you can't stop him...but you don't have to send him any signals that it is ok with you. let him do things on his own.</p><p></p><p>Hugs. I know this is very hard and hurtful. I recommend a 12 Step Group, a private therapist (not a family therapist...you can't force grown kids to go to therapy) and I highly recommend you read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie (may have spelled it wrong). Most of us here are very codependent...or were. And codependency harms ourselves and our grown kids.</p><p></p><p>Here is a short article about what codependency is:</p><p></p><p><a href="http://psychcentral.com/lib/symptoms-of-codependency/00011992" target="_blank">http://psychcentral.com/lib/symptoms-of-codependency/00011992</a></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 618609, member: 1550"] There is nothing [I][B]most[/B][/I] grown kids hate more than pushy parents who won't stay out of their business. You are moving on to a different relationship with your son. He is not going to want to spend as much time with you as he did. It would be unhealthy if he did. His negative choices about his life are not because of you unless you pointed a loaded gun at his head and forced him to make those choices. His world expanded and he chose to group himself with some unsavory people who are probably doing what he does. They validate each other. This is not because of anything you did or did not do, even if he tries to justify it by changing the subject purposefully to make you feel so guilty that you'll back down on the real issue, which is himself and your consequences for his illegal behavior. Our kids get tons of influence from the outside world once they start high school and we can't stop that. I know homeschooled kids who are doing community service at the humane society where i volunteer. Yes...kids who never even went to school. They are related and their family wanted them to have minimal contact with outsiders. Well, they got sick of it and rebelled and got into trouble with the law. You are not responsible for your son's bad decisions, and the worst thing you can do for him in my opinion is to act guilty or to turn the other cheek. I would take a harsh stand. if he wants to break the law, then you can't stop him...but you don't have to send him any signals that it is ok with you. let him do things on his own. Hugs. I know this is very hard and hurtful. I recommend a 12 Step Group, a private therapist (not a family therapist...you can't force grown kids to go to therapy) and I highly recommend you read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie (may have spelled it wrong). Most of us here are very codependent...or were. And codependency harms ourselves and our grown kids. Here is a short article about what codependency is: [url]http://psychcentral.com/lib/symptoms-of-codependency/00011992[/url] [/QUOTE]
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My independent adult son is not who he wants us to believe he is
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