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My life is so quiet, I feel guilty coming here...
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 384119" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>M2O, </p><p> </p><p>You know, First - I'm going to paint a sign with your words. Our biggest drama is how to pet three dogs when you only have two hands. I LOVE IT!!! I want it on a rustic board with fancy lettering for my den, in our new house. OUR house - the house without conflama, chaos, tears of pain, angst, bitter, ugly, hurting - everything. Thank you for that. (((((((((hugs))))))))) I'm sure only husband and I will know what it means. Okay an you, and you and you. lol - snort. </p><p> </p><p>I can remember going to therapy after Dude moved out the first time at 16. Not when he ran away or, was placed....but when he chose to go. Even though he went to the group home from Hades? It was HIS choice. - because I was so distraught at his near empty room. I sat on his bed sobbing, hugging his pillow. Smelling it, sobbing those awful inhaling crying sobs. Only to hear the caseworker tell me as Dude left his words were "I couldn't WAIT to get out of there away from HER." It cut like a knife. There to follow shortly? My invention of conflama. Odd huh? </p><p> </p><p>My brain couldn't handle the peace, the quite the calm of it all. Even though we were still going to therapy and I to individual therapy? I needed the chaos, but had no idea I thrived on it. Not until it was pointed out Occupational Therapist (OT) me. The therapist said I was almost "inventing" stuff to keep my life going. Filling the void as it were. I was astounded at my ridiculousness. Even more astounded at his accusation...until DF pointed out things I had to admit I had been doing. I was argumentative, slighly combative, edgy - (yeah more so than usual), and until it was pointed out? I just could NOT calm down. Now? OMG Now I'm mellow, fun, almost too fun....but I can be serious when I have to be. </p><p> </p><p>I don't have any more of the guilty feelings, but when I think of Dude? When I think of him and know he's making YET AGAIN dumb choices? Yeah it pangs me. It's like a long exhale, with a twisted lip or a long draw of my hand over my face ---just thinking - AND HOW many times will THIS have to happen before he THINKS, or GETS 'IT" or figures it out BEFORE he's arrested, or hurt or........and then I shake my head hoping to get the morbidity out of my head. Like knowing he's almost been killed twice now - once by a bus while riding his bike and once being hit by a car....and lets not forget getting the wrong medication in surgery and nearly dying from an allergic reaction. yeah - THOSE things I have a hard time getting over, but I keep repeating - HIS choices HIS choices. And try to remember I am NOT in control of the choices HE has made. </p><p> </p><p>Some days I actually enjoy my peace, and when I come here now? I think - Not so much guilt over my peace - but HOW can I help someone today? What could I say to make someone smile? Like - my oranges and prostitute joke.....which I CAN NOT TELL HERE. (but PM me your email) It will make you smile - or blush. Depending - it's implied humor. Maybe you need a good chuckle today? I know I won't be eating any oranges for a few days. lol. </p><p> </p><p>HUGS........</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 384119, member: 4964"] M2O, You know, First - I'm going to paint a sign with your words. Our biggest drama is how to pet three dogs when you only have two hands. I LOVE IT!!! I want it on a rustic board with fancy lettering for my den, in our new house. OUR house - the house without conflama, chaos, tears of pain, angst, bitter, ugly, hurting - everything. Thank you for that. (((((((((hugs))))))))) I'm sure only husband and I will know what it means. Okay an you, and you and you. lol - snort. I can remember going to therapy after Dude moved out the first time at 16. Not when he ran away or, was placed....but when he chose to go. Even though he went to the group home from Hades? It was HIS choice. - because I was so distraught at his near empty room. I sat on his bed sobbing, hugging his pillow. Smelling it, sobbing those awful inhaling crying sobs. Only to hear the caseworker tell me as Dude left his words were "I couldn't WAIT to get out of there away from HER." It cut like a knife. There to follow shortly? My invention of conflama. Odd huh? My brain couldn't handle the peace, the quite the calm of it all. Even though we were still going to therapy and I to individual therapy? I needed the chaos, but had no idea I thrived on it. Not until it was pointed out Occupational Therapist (OT) me. The therapist said I was almost "inventing" stuff to keep my life going. Filling the void as it were. I was astounded at my ridiculousness. Even more astounded at his accusation...until DF pointed out things I had to admit I had been doing. I was argumentative, slighly combative, edgy - (yeah more so than usual), and until it was pointed out? I just could NOT calm down. Now? OMG Now I'm mellow, fun, almost too fun....but I can be serious when I have to be. I don't have any more of the guilty feelings, but when I think of Dude? When I think of him and know he's making YET AGAIN dumb choices? Yeah it pangs me. It's like a long exhale, with a twisted lip or a long draw of my hand over my face ---just thinking - AND HOW many times will THIS have to happen before he THINKS, or GETS 'IT" or figures it out BEFORE he's arrested, or hurt or........and then I shake my head hoping to get the morbidity out of my head. Like knowing he's almost been killed twice now - once by a bus while riding his bike and once being hit by a car....and lets not forget getting the wrong medication in surgery and nearly dying from an allergic reaction. yeah - THOSE things I have a hard time getting over, but I keep repeating - HIS choices HIS choices. And try to remember I am NOT in control of the choices HE has made. Some days I actually enjoy my peace, and when I come here now? I think - Not so much guilt over my peace - but HOW can I help someone today? What could I say to make someone smile? Like - my oranges and prostitute joke.....which I CAN NOT TELL HERE. (but PM me your email) It will make you smile - or blush. Depending - it's implied humor. Maybe you need a good chuckle today? I know I won't be eating any oranges for a few days. lol. HUGS........ [/QUOTE]
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