my mind in disarray

[Steely]

It has been a stressful week for my parents and me. Heck, truthfully a stressful life. My childhood was not ideal, by any measure. However, my sister's unresolved cause of death, and her unresolved anger in her life, - and the way in which my parents have handled it, have been emotional land mines for me in every way. There are times in the last 4 months I never wanted to see them again.

However, life is short. My Dad has cancer. But more than that, I have unconditional for them.

This week I had to sit through a 2 hour meeting with a lawyer on my parent's estate, and my will - just so they would have peace of mind. The entire time all I could think about was H. Who gives a flying leap about me - them - now.

None the less. I do.

My parent's are going on another high adventure outdoor trip. The ones where they tell me their passwords to every bank account, and the safe combo, "just in case". I am a little rattled, although they do this often.

Tonight we tried to have a family dinner, and discuss and try and sort the many details of this turbulent situation. Suffice it to say, I cried. But then my Dad cried because he was scared I would leave, just like H.

Here is the email I just sent them:

Please know that no matter how mad I might get, or sad, that I will never abandoned us as a family. I knew that a long time ago. And there is nothing that can change that, not even H's death.

We all have unconditional love towards each other - and we will always be a family - no matter what odds are thrown at us. I have promised that to myself, to you guys, to H, to difficult child - a long, long time ago.

I feel horrible that I may be creating any more pain for you guys than you are already in. I just sometimes feel compelled to speak what I believe to be the truth.

I love you very much.

I can't express how deeply in turmoil I feel. I feel ruptured. Torn. As if I am undergoing an exorcism.

And yet at the same time. Mad. Mad that H. is gone. Mad that she left me absolutely zero of her life. Mad that she left difficult child not one iota of a legacy. Mad that my parent's are honoring her "said last wishes", and letting her girlfriend have everything. Mad that the cops did not investigate this as they should have. Mad she is gone. Really mad, she is gone.

Thank you so much for listening. You have no idea how much it helps.
My pups can only handle so much.

 

[SRL]

Sorry you're having such a rough time of it. Those first months after the death of a loved one are always tough.

Have you found an in-person or online grief support group yet? With all you are going through I really think they would be able to provide support beyond just listening.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Aww honey.

Sending you some more unconditional love. Lots of hugs for your hurting heart.

This may sound trite, but this too shall pass.

 

[klmno]

Steely, HUGS. You are hanging in there and trying the best you can. You are doing all that can be expected under these horrid circumstances. I can't imagine the pain you must go through on a daily basis. It is hard for me to even say to you to just keep going- but that is really all you can do. You are going through the stages of grief, and now you are in the anger stage. Your parents are dealing with things in their way, which is a little different from yours. I hope all of you can stick by each other, even though all the wounds from your childhood will never be completely healed.

HUGS again- I am so sorry...

 

[Steely]

Yes, I have found a support group that has many outreaches in Dallas - but all of them do not have a group starting until August. I guess it is the summer vacation thing. I am fully prepared to start this though, and demand the time off each week I need to attend. I also signed up to get their daily emails, so maybe that will help.

I just hope it also addresses the affect the death of a family member has on the entire family. This is the part that I feel so ill equipped for. I also have my counselor who, is nothing but a rock. Thank God. (She is the one who advocates for this particular support group.)

I know, time will help all of this. I just cannot imagine if something happened to my parents right now. I don't know. I guess the gravity of this is all just hitting me. I would be the only one left of the freaking "family tree" that the lawyer so lovingly displayed to us.

 

[DammitJanet]

I cant imagine how dealing with this on top of H's death must be hitting you right now. I know for myself I have these awful nitemares about what could happen if something happened to Jamie when he goes overseas and what that would do to our family...and I am sure it would be the straw to send my Dad into his grave. If that happened I would fall apart completely. I dont think I could withstand losing them both. So I can kinda understand how freaked out you are dealing with the what if's of your parents estate things when you are still dealing with H's stuff.

Just hang in there. Nothing has happened to your parents and it probably wont. They are just being cautious.

 

[Hound dog]

I know it doesn't feel like it but your parents are trying to give you peace of mind.

I'm glad you have a good counselor, and that the groups will be starting up again soon. Wish it was sooner than Aug though. (sure you do too)

Even an expected death takes a heavy toll on a family. Sometimes it can even change roles as it changes people for better or worse. Every one deals with it differently, so the effects are also vastly different. It takes time to work through these changes as well as the grief itself.

I think you're doing fine. Even though it doesn't always feel like it. But you're not letting others force you into stuffing or hiding your feelings. And that is a good thing. It's important to remember that you have a right to feel the way you do.

((((hugs))))

 

[nvts]

Steely, please understand that I don't know what I would be doing in your position. But I'd like to put a few things out there that may help you see a few different points.

First: when it comes to H. and the tragic end of her life. She was suffering from some form of depression. I'm convinced of that. Depression is a vacuum that just ***** the life out of you and your impression of your surroundings. Truthfully, if it was suicide, 9 out of 10 attempts are a "cry out" for help and not intended to be an end. But the problem is: depression is still poorly handled, poorly diagnosed, poorly treated and rarely cleared up until the person has come to the conclusion that they need help OR if there is a suicide attempt.

It's always considered "an embarassing mental illness". Look at how most mental illness is viewed by the general public. Depression is just another thing that most are told to "get over". So people often don't seek or find the treatment that they need.

THERE IS NO WAY THAT YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO CHANGE THIS!

Now, on to Mom and Dad.

Don't be overly upset about the here are the keys, the combos, the lawyers number, our wishes, your wishes, the dogs wishes and make sure someone waters the plants.

I still have a copy of the will that my Mother In Law put together after she and my ex-Father in Law divorced. Every time she goes out west to visit family, I have to show it to her, she gives me a new key to her house, a list of phone numbers of who to contact (including work numbers to "call her in dead" - she's got the best sense of humor!) in case something goes wrong.

But besides the "PeeWee's Great Adventure" that they're going on, they're dealing with two of the biggest issues that a family can undergo. The pending death of one of their best friends (Dad), and the death of a child. No matter how old you and H got, you're still about 6 years old and letting go is damn near impossible. I get the impression that Mom and Dad are the logical, polite, be kind to others types that break down when there's no one there to see. Hence the reason for letting H's girlfriend keep everything.

If you know that there's something that H would have wanted you or difficult child to have of hers for a legacy, call the girlfriend. Whether or not you like her, whether or not it feels right to acknowledge her, you likely won't have the opportunity to contact her for much longer. She'll move on (which is what we're supposed to do in this life) and you may lose contact. Speak up and tell her what you want. This way after the anger fades, you'll have that special something that you want to remember her by.

I wish I could show up there with a few movies, big thick chocolate shakes, stuffed mushrooms (I swear, this is the first time I've had these weirdo cravings) and bunny slippers and just kick it for a while - and I swear - difficult child would hop a plane and stay with husband and my difficult child's. If THAT didn't straighten him out nothing would!

Since I don't have that option, keep up the counseling, be involved when the group starts, work through your anger, and know that all of us have you in our prayers and are thinking good thoughts for you!

Love ya kiddo!

Beth

 

[amazeofgrace]

<<<hugs>>>

 

[KTMom91]

Steely, hugs. I wish I knew what to say. I agree with Beth that now is the time to talk with H's girlfriend and ask for anything you might want, whether she likes it or not. You need to make YOU feel better.

 

[Shari]

Hugs, Steely.

I'm sure you know, but just remember, anger is a natural step in the cycle of grief. Which means you're making progress.

But it still *****.

 

[Star*]

Steely,

Since you dont' have a support group yet (other than us)

Try this trick - Someone taught me years ago.

Make a list - type it if you type faster than you write and especially if you have carpal tunnel.

List ALL and EVERY thing that makes you mad in general
Makes you mad about your parents
Makes you mad about H.
Makes you mad about your life.
Makes you mad about yourself.

Then print the lists out.
Circle any that are doubled, tripled etc.

Pick the top 5 things that you are angry about. That show up on seemingly every list.

Take THAT list to your therapist and tell her that you want to work on 1,2,3,4,5......then cross them off your list if you can. If you can't change them or cross them off - ask her for a way you can try to deal with it yourself. Coping skills.
Make another list about the lists that you are mad about making.
Some times journaling is a very good release. Pounding emotions out on a keyboard is good. Print it- put it away - dont 'read it for a week or two then go back and read it.

It's all I have to offer other than a cyber hug.
Star

 

[Steely]

Thanks to all. I know that all of my repetitive posts must sound, just so, uh, repetitive. However, I do appreciate the ability to just vent, and be heard, and feel listened to. That is such a rarity in life.

Death is so elusive. It feels like you have felt every aspect of it, and that you can maybe move through it - and then it starts all over again. There are still moments when I think of H., and catch my breathe because I forgot she has died. How messed up is that?

I thought I had experienced grief in every way with 2 Ex's and a difficult child, but I only knew the tip of the iceberg. Or maybe it is all a matter of definition. Trauma vs grief. Abuse vs despair. Chaos vs finality. They are all equally grievous in the moment, but death is more grievous in a compounded way.

I think of you all, in various ways, each and every day. Each one of you has changed a part of me. Thanks for always being there.

 

[katya02]

Steely,
{{{hugs}}}. I'm so sorry. Some things are not 'gotten over', but in time - lots of time - we learn to cope. So sorry for your loss.

 

[mstang67chic]

I'm a little late in getting here but sending hugs and a shoulder. Remember my pm? I'll be in Seattle Friday.

 

[Abbey]

Steely...again, all I can offer is a safe place to chat. You have a lot on your plate. Hugs to you, girl.

Abbey