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my mother-long! rant! warning.
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 599225" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>I'm so glad to hear that your husband is taking care of you, wonderful news.</p><p></p><p>My very first therapist, when I was 23 years old, told me that the greatest task of therapy was to "separate from our parents." I was still cocky enough to think to myself, 'what is he talking about, I left home years ago.' Now, at 63 years old, I am <strong>still</strong> seeing what he meant. Even if we are estranged from them, even if they are dead, they have an enormous impact on our lives and as Lisa said, we seek their approval, we want them to be proud of us, to know us, to get us. You are certainly not alone, it is really part of being human. The fact that your mother can't see you or know you has nothing to do with you, it is her who is lacking.</p><p></p><p>All that your mother is, all that she does, how she acts, what she believes, how she treats you, is all about her, not you. None of it is about you, You can rail against her behaviors, be hurt by them and angered by them, all of which is certainly justifiable, however, it doesn't do any good but to hurt you............you've made a good life for yourself in spite of your upbringing..........now it seems as if it's time to separate from your mother, and if you do interact with her, recognize her shortcomings as a mother and do not take them personally.</p><p></p><p> It took me awhile to feel as if with all my mothers shortcomings, and there were many, she was not a good mom, she did the best she could with what she had and I forgave her. That was extremely freeing for me. Nothing had really changed, but I had changed. I stopped expecting more, I stopped taking her actions or lack of actions personally, I saw her as the wounded person she really is and I began feeling compassion for her. Once you let go of the need for her approval, the need for the mothering you desire that she cannot produce, you see her differently then. Until then, sometimes it really is best to limit your interactions so that you are not constantly hurting or angry or trying to figure it out. Just like with our difficult child kids, it is what it is and often has nothing to do with us, but we have to learn to detach from them and accept what is.</p><p></p><p>Mothers and daughters have complicated connections, there are hundreds of books about all of it, I think the best thing you can do is give yourself the praise and understanding and love that you seek from her. She cannot give you what you need. Accepting that will liberate you. And, just as an aside, all of that judgement she throws your way is probably what she in fact, feels about herself. Often we judge in others what we cannot see in ourselves. So when she does that to you, try to recognize that and that it isn't about you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 599225, member: 13542"] I'm so glad to hear that your husband is taking care of you, wonderful news. My very first therapist, when I was 23 years old, told me that the greatest task of therapy was to "separate from our parents." I was still cocky enough to think to myself, 'what is he talking about, I left home years ago.' Now, at 63 years old, I am [B]still[/B] seeing what he meant. Even if we are estranged from them, even if they are dead, they have an enormous impact on our lives and as Lisa said, we seek their approval, we want them to be proud of us, to know us, to get us. You are certainly not alone, it is really part of being human. The fact that your mother can't see you or know you has nothing to do with you, it is her who is lacking. All that your mother is, all that she does, how she acts, what she believes, how she treats you, is all about her, not you. None of it is about you, You can rail against her behaviors, be hurt by them and angered by them, all of which is certainly justifiable, however, it doesn't do any good but to hurt you............you've made a good life for yourself in spite of your upbringing..........now it seems as if it's time to separate from your mother, and if you do interact with her, recognize her shortcomings as a mother and do not take them personally. It took me awhile to feel as if with all my mothers shortcomings, and there were many, she was not a good mom, she did the best she could with what she had and I forgave her. That was extremely freeing for me. Nothing had really changed, but I had changed. I stopped expecting more, I stopped taking her actions or lack of actions personally, I saw her as the wounded person she really is and I began feeling compassion for her. Once you let go of the need for her approval, the need for the mothering you desire that she cannot produce, you see her differently then. Until then, sometimes it really is best to limit your interactions so that you are not constantly hurting or angry or trying to figure it out. Just like with our difficult child kids, it is what it is and often has nothing to do with us, but we have to learn to detach from them and accept what is. Mothers and daughters have complicated connections, there are hundreds of books about all of it, I think the best thing you can do is give yourself the praise and understanding and love that you seek from her. She cannot give you what you need. Accepting that will liberate you. And, just as an aside, all of that judgement she throws your way is probably what she in fact, feels about herself. Often we judge in others what we cannot see in ourselves. So when she does that to you, try to recognize that and that it isn't about you. [/QUOTE]
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