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My niece...
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 649076" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Oh PG, I am so sorry to read this thread today. I'm sorry for your sister and your niece and everybody. And for you. </p><p></p><p>Forgiveness...hmmm....I have done a lot of reading and thinking and writing about forgiveness. </p><p></p><p>Some thoughts:</p><p></p><p>****Forgiveness is for the person who is doing the forgiving, not for the one receiving the forgiveness.</p><p></p><p>****Detachment is not a bad thing, and in fact is very necessary for many of us, for our own mental health.</p><p></p><p>****There are toxic relationships, and if there is a toxic relationship in our lives, I believe it is best for us to separate from it.</p><p></p><p>****The only person we can change is ourselves. </p><p></p><p>****Often, we first have to forgive ourselves (can be the very hardest one for us to forgive) before we can forgive anybody else.</p><p></p><p>****Living with a soft heart is a desirable state. Living with a hard heart robs us of the beauty of life. </p><p></p><p>***We can't fix or rescue other people. We can't change other people, places or things. </p><p></p><p>About 8 years ago, I finally forgave my father. My father is a rage-a-holic. His first response to most situations he can't control is anger. At age 81, he is still an immature person. Over the years, he and I have had a very bad relationship. He didn't provide the emotional support I needed growing up, we either argued a lot or ignored each other and I had very negative feelings about him for many years. His anger has always terrified me. </p><p></p><p>His outbursts still continue today. Eight years ago, he and my mother visited me for a couple of days/nights and he had one of his outbursts. For some reason, I was able to get up, walk out of the room and I stayed in the bathroom for the next two hours, until they went to bed. They left the next morning and I didn't talk to my father for nearly a year. Nobody understood it, and my sister and mother were very critical of me about my desire not to talk to him. </p><p></p><p>I think what happened, is that I was completely spent and done. I couldn't take any more on of his anger, his immaturity and his behavior. </p><p></p><p>I had to separate from it, and fortunately at the time I was also in Al-Anon. Little by little, after the year was gone, I felt myself thawing when it came to my father. I had been frozen with hate and anger myself for so many years. </p><p></p><p>As I learned more in Al-Anon, I also felt myself changing toward my father, who was not the reason I was there. I was there because of my ex-husband's alcoholism. I began to thaw, I began to see him as an imperfect person who did the best he could (albeit not nearly good enough), and I began to view him with compassion. </p><p></p><p>Looking back, I can see now how much damage my feelings---very legitimate feelings---about my father did to my own life and especially to my relationships with me. I allowed my anger, disappointment and pain from his behavior to impact my life greatly. I didn't trust men. </p><p></p><p>Today, I have forgiven my father. He still does the same things, and today, I detach from those things and I separate myself from him and his behavior when I need to. I am able to practice detachment with love. My life is much better today and I can trust men now. I love my father and I believe I can see him clearly.</p><p></p><p>I am not suggesting your situation is like my situation. But I do believe this: Being frozen with pain, anger, rage, shame and guilt is not good for us. We can't undo the past. What we can do is work on ourselves and work to let go of the past. So we can move on. Regardless of whether the person changes or is sorry or not. </p><p></p><p>I hope these ideas help Warm hugs to you today.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 649076, member: 17542"] Oh PG, I am so sorry to read this thread today. I'm sorry for your sister and your niece and everybody. And for you. Forgiveness...hmmm....I have done a lot of reading and thinking and writing about forgiveness. Some thoughts: ****Forgiveness is for the person who is doing the forgiving, not for the one receiving the forgiveness. ****Detachment is not a bad thing, and in fact is very necessary for many of us, for our own mental health. ****There are toxic relationships, and if there is a toxic relationship in our lives, I believe it is best for us to separate from it. ****The only person we can change is ourselves. ****Often, we first have to forgive ourselves (can be the very hardest one for us to forgive) before we can forgive anybody else. ****Living with a soft heart is a desirable state. Living with a hard heart robs us of the beauty of life. ***We can't fix or rescue other people. We can't change other people, places or things. About 8 years ago, I finally forgave my father. My father is a rage-a-holic. His first response to most situations he can't control is anger. At age 81, he is still an immature person. Over the years, he and I have had a very bad relationship. He didn't provide the emotional support I needed growing up, we either argued a lot or ignored each other and I had very negative feelings about him for many years. His anger has always terrified me. His outbursts still continue today. Eight years ago, he and my mother visited me for a couple of days/nights and he had one of his outbursts. For some reason, I was able to get up, walk out of the room and I stayed in the bathroom for the next two hours, until they went to bed. They left the next morning and I didn't talk to my father for nearly a year. Nobody understood it, and my sister and mother were very critical of me about my desire not to talk to him. I think what happened, is that I was completely spent and done. I couldn't take any more on of his anger, his immaturity and his behavior. I had to separate from it, and fortunately at the time I was also in Al-Anon. Little by little, after the year was gone, I felt myself thawing when it came to my father. I had been frozen with hate and anger myself for so many years. As I learned more in Al-Anon, I also felt myself changing toward my father, who was not the reason I was there. I was there because of my ex-husband's alcoholism. I began to thaw, I began to see him as an imperfect person who did the best he could (albeit not nearly good enough), and I began to view him with compassion. Looking back, I can see now how much damage my feelings---very legitimate feelings---about my father did to my own life and especially to my relationships with me. I allowed my anger, disappointment and pain from his behavior to impact my life greatly. I didn't trust men. Today, I have forgiven my father. He still does the same things, and today, I detach from those things and I separate myself from him and his behavior when I need to. I am able to practice detachment with love. My life is much better today and I can trust men now. I love my father and I believe I can see him clearly. I am not suggesting your situation is like my situation. But I do believe this: Being frozen with pain, anger, rage, shame and guilt is not good for us. We can't undo the past. What we can do is work on ourselves and work to let go of the past. So we can move on. Regardless of whether the person changes or is sorry or not. I hope these ideas help Warm hugs to you today. [/QUOTE]
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