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My Own Man/Cleaning Problems
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 419562" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>Step, that is a good idea for most men but it has never worked well with my husband. One of the very few things he ever specifically said he NEVER wanted in our marriage was for sex to be a bargaining chip. I like the idea and there have been many many times that I thought that it might be a great motivating tool, but there are very few things he has ever verbalized that you could think of as rules for our marriage. For the most part he is happy to do most anything I ask that doesn't involve cleaning. As he did ask for that early on, and I agreed, I just cannot use it that way. Esp when the times we have been in therapy it has come up that having that aspect of our relationship be pretty much independent of issues like chores has meant a whole lot and sent the message that I truly love him unconditionally.</p><p> </p><p>I know many of the female friends we know have talked about using sex as a carrot to get their husband's to do what they want. husband sees that as taking the entire relationshipt to a commercial level where expressing love for each other is used to buy certain behavior or get a spouse to be willing to spend money on something. </p><p> </p><p>I do my best to not yell and scream and to fight fair when I am upset. husband almost never says anything when I am angry, so I have learned that nothing gets solved by yelling at him. </p><p>Except that I end up with a headache and being even more furious. </p><p> </p><p>He has agreed that he needs to dig in to the kitchen tomorrow. Let's hope he follows through.</p><p> </p><p>He tried to tell me today that the reason he doesn't wash most of the dishes is because he cannot find a dishcloth or towel. He did not like it when I said, "Gee, do you think that could be because you never rinse them out and hang them up to dry, but instead leave them in a wad in the sink buried by stuff you don't want to wash, and then they stink and grow mold and must be thrown away? And because we do not have the funds to go and buy new cloths for you to was up and leave in wads to grow mold so they have to be thrown away too?</p><p> </p><p>I was NOT gentle or nice when I asked this, more sarcastic and snarky. </p><p> </p><p>I then told him that this is why I have spent the past WEEK cutting up cotton shirts and pants and hemming the edges BY HAND so that we would have some cloths to wash dishes with and dry them off with. Because I have. I realized that I could not find a single dishtowel or rag and that they had ALL had to be pitched. husband normally puts a lot more value on things that I have sewed, so I have been cutting up outgrown clothes or stained clothes and so far have hemmed 14 of them. Different sizes but all big enough to dry something or be used as a washcloth. He SAYS he will rinse them out and hang them up, that he didn't know he was supposed to before now. That earned "the look" that lets him know I know he is full of it but am not going to verbally challenge him right now about it.</p><p> </p><p>I must admit that he does a LOT more than my dad. Dad retired and has done almost nothing around the house since that happened 4 yrs ago. For at least 2 of those years he watched tv and read and played on the computer all day. And spoke in that almost constant stream of conscious rambling way that aspies can have. THAT drives my mother literally batty.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 419562, member: 1233"] Step, that is a good idea for most men but it has never worked well with my husband. One of the very few things he ever specifically said he NEVER wanted in our marriage was for sex to be a bargaining chip. I like the idea and there have been many many times that I thought that it might be a great motivating tool, but there are very few things he has ever verbalized that you could think of as rules for our marriage. For the most part he is happy to do most anything I ask that doesn't involve cleaning. As he did ask for that early on, and I agreed, I just cannot use it that way. Esp when the times we have been in therapy it has come up that having that aspect of our relationship be pretty much independent of issues like chores has meant a whole lot and sent the message that I truly love him unconditionally. I know many of the female friends we know have talked about using sex as a carrot to get their husband's to do what they want. husband sees that as taking the entire relationshipt to a commercial level where expressing love for each other is used to buy certain behavior or get a spouse to be willing to spend money on something. I do my best to not yell and scream and to fight fair when I am upset. husband almost never says anything when I am angry, so I have learned that nothing gets solved by yelling at him. Except that I end up with a headache and being even more furious. He has agreed that he needs to dig in to the kitchen tomorrow. Let's hope he follows through. He tried to tell me today that the reason he doesn't wash most of the dishes is because he cannot find a dishcloth or towel. He did not like it when I said, "Gee, do you think that could be because you never rinse them out and hang them up to dry, but instead leave them in a wad in the sink buried by stuff you don't want to wash, and then they stink and grow mold and must be thrown away? And because we do not have the funds to go and buy new cloths for you to was up and leave in wads to grow mold so they have to be thrown away too? I was NOT gentle or nice when I asked this, more sarcastic and snarky. I then told him that this is why I have spent the past WEEK cutting up cotton shirts and pants and hemming the edges BY HAND so that we would have some cloths to wash dishes with and dry them off with. Because I have. I realized that I could not find a single dishtowel or rag and that they had ALL had to be pitched. husband normally puts a lot more value on things that I have sewed, so I have been cutting up outgrown clothes or stained clothes and so far have hemmed 14 of them. Different sizes but all big enough to dry something or be used as a washcloth. He SAYS he will rinse them out and hang them up, that he didn't know he was supposed to before now. That earned "the look" that lets him know I know he is full of it but am not going to verbally challenge him right now about it. I must admit that he does a LOT more than my dad. Dad retired and has done almost nothing around the house since that happened 4 yrs ago. For at least 2 of those years he watched tv and read and played on the computer all day. And spoke in that almost constant stream of conscious rambling way that aspies can have. THAT drives my mother literally batty. [/QUOTE]
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