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my problem, not grave or scary
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 629482" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Landshark, welcome back. It appears as if your daughter is making attempts to improve, and you are making choices about your own boundaries. I think all of us here want to help our adult kids, and we are all in varying stages in our detachment stories as we move through all of these mine fields. <em>It 'ain't' easy!</em></p><p></p><p>You may have already done this, but if you haven't it may be helpful for you to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. Also, a good book, if you are so inclined, is <u>Codependent no More</u> by Melodie Beattie. It's a tough call to figure out the questions you pose, how <em>long do you help financially ............how do you stop worrying.....</em>.........for me, I sought help, professional help in the form of a therapist and a therapist run support group, along with quite a few other tools. I also contacted NAMI, which is the National Alliance on Mental Illness. You can access them online and they seem to have chapters everywhere. They have excellent parent courses which will be wonderfully supportive for you as well as offer both you and your daughter resources. You can also attend CoDa groups. The more support you give to yourself, the easier this path becomes. With support you can find your own answers and feel good about your choices.</p><p></p><p>I recall one of the therapist saying to us that the difference between loving kindness and enabling is that loving kindness feels good and enabling feels bad. With enabling there is usually resentment. I found that to be helpful. It sounds as if you are feeling good about helping your daughter. When I am helping my daughter, I feel good too. It's the enabling part that doesn't feel good. Another thing we were told a lot when we asked how long this would take, is "you get there when you get there." It's a process of letting go. If you are a controller, as you mentioned, then it takes us awhile to let go, to surrender and to allow the process we're in to evolve without us stepping in time and again to "fix it." </p><p></p><p>Our kids, for whatever reason, are wired very differently. It takes us time to accept that and to begin to respond differently to them and to their circumstances. As we do respond differently, we also find our own sense of solace and peace of mind. <em>It's quite the process.</em></p><p></p><p>Hang in there and keep posting, it helps.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 629482, member: 13542"] Landshark, welcome back. It appears as if your daughter is making attempts to improve, and you are making choices about your own boundaries. I think all of us here want to help our adult kids, and we are all in varying stages in our detachment stories as we move through all of these mine fields. [I]It 'ain't' easy![/I] You may have already done this, but if you haven't it may be helpful for you to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. Also, a good book, if you are so inclined, is [U]Codependent no More[/U] by Melodie Beattie. It's a tough call to figure out the questions you pose, how [I]long do you help financially ............how do you stop worrying.....[/I].........for me, I sought help, professional help in the form of a therapist and a therapist run support group, along with quite a few other tools. I also contacted NAMI, which is the National Alliance on Mental Illness. You can access them online and they seem to have chapters everywhere. They have excellent parent courses which will be wonderfully supportive for you as well as offer both you and your daughter resources. You can also attend CoDa groups. The more support you give to yourself, the easier this path becomes. With support you can find your own answers and feel good about your choices. I recall one of the therapist saying to us that the difference between loving kindness and enabling is that loving kindness feels good and enabling feels bad. With enabling there is usually resentment. I found that to be helpful. It sounds as if you are feeling good about helping your daughter. When I am helping my daughter, I feel good too. It's the enabling part that doesn't feel good. Another thing we were told a lot when we asked how long this would take, is "you get there when you get there." It's a process of letting go. If you are a controller, as you mentioned, then it takes us awhile to let go, to surrender and to allow the process we're in to evolve without us stepping in time and again to "fix it." Our kids, for whatever reason, are wired very differently. It takes us time to accept that and to begin to respond differently to them and to their circumstances. As we do respond differently, we also find our own sense of solace and peace of mind. [I]It's quite the process.[/I] Hang in there and keep posting, it helps. [/QUOTE]
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