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My son is apparently gone ...
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 396723" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Ploof - </p><p> </p><p>I'm adopted - I'm 46 - It took me YEARS - and I mean into my 40's to completely get a grip on how I felt about it. I've told other Mom's here that despite your very best Mothering skills and your loving home, and everything else that you do in our lives - there is a little something in the back of OUR ADOPTED brains that we have absolutely no clue is there. It's very weird. It's almost like a secret steering wheel that controls me without me knowing I'm being controlled. Or an inner voice that would contradict my self-esteem, or something in my being that would tell me no matter how hard I tried, no matter how happy I was, or how much I was doused with love and affection - it really was NOT for me. Superfically I knew that wasn't true. I KNEW in my heart my parents LOVED me - but a part of my brain always told me - THEY HAVE TO. And you will never understand this - but I likened it to when a person goes to a kennel and PICKS out a puppy - They want it, they've prepared for it, they felt a need for it, they paid for it - so of COURSE they will take care of it. ALL of those things at one time or another roll around in the back of an adoptees brain whether we want them to or not. Yes, I know as my Mom you WANT me, You PLANNED for me, YOU NEEDED me and I also know whether you knew about my coming or not - you'd be paying for me - but there is always thoughts like that whether they are conscious or subconscious. It's very hard to explain to someone who loves someone unconditionally so much - it's not you. </p><p> </p><p>On the flip side - also engrained in the back of a lot of adoptees like me - there was the WHY factor. WHY was I thrown away? WHY was I given up? WHY couldn't you make it work with me? WHY was I like garbage to you? WHY wasn't I important enough to keep? As a child - I think like a child. And those thoughts become patterns. I didn't even know those thoughts were becoming patterns - and eventually would effect the way I think about many things. Mostly my self esteem. I knew I wasn't wanted there, but these people THESE people wanted me so badly. THAT should have been the thing that mattered. But so many unsolved WHY's in my life, that I had no idea I even needed to ask about, to deal with when I was younger - and it made me a tad difficult to deal with as a teen and lead to me making poor decisions as an adult for myself. I deserved better - I just didn't feel I did. And it wasn't until I began therapy for being in a violent marriage - and left and took my son - that I started to realize I had that many issues - I figured if I left him? It was all done. Good. Not so - I had to go all the way back to how I felt as a four year old child being adopted.....and wow - what a revelation. I had NO clue NO clue when some of the things came out of my mouth in session - that did - that they were the underlying cause for so many of my problems, choices, or thought processes. If I didn't even know it myself HOW could I ever tell anyone else to get help? </p><p> </p><p>Your son isn't in a struggle with you. He's in a struggle with KNOWING that what he has right now is two loving parents that he wants to love and appreciate - but being so confused in his mind with the W's - who, what, where, when, why of his birth and all that - Even if it was open adoption? Still - messes you up. What I took away from counseling after 15 years? I am who I am irregardless of the W's. It would be interesting to find out that I'm a princess - or that I'm a certain nationality - I mean cause I am beautiful - or that I'm the granddaughter of Picasso because I am a good artist - you know (tongue in cheek) but WHO I am from here on out? Counts for so much more that WHERE I came from and ONLY I can make that happen, ONLY I can change it - and -----had I NOT been from Princess/Picasso stock - had my family genes been all horrible people - Great Granddaughter of Jack the Ripper (I mean I do like to slice cheese) and GGGGG Gdaughter Of Atila the Hun? You should see me ride a horse - I'm like a Barbarian.....then what? Does that mean I'm destined to be a bad person? Nope - just means that from this day forward I AM WHO I AM and who I MAKE ME TO BE - It's like I get a chance to be an dmake myself whomever I want to be. When you get over the history channel part of your world it's okay......but the struggle in it? Until someone in a professional capacity can work through the layers of it from now back to about age 4? He's going to struggle. </p><p> </p><p>Just keep in mind - it's not you - it's not your husband. It's your sons own personal war. Some kids - find help and get over it and come back around to their parents. Others just never do and that's so sad for them because they should appreciate and embrace their parents - and not only did they miss the chance for birth parents - but they missed the chance for their real parents in their life as well - Their loss - their is help out there you just have to know to ask for it. </p><p> </p><p>Hope this helps you - doesn't make it any less painful I am sure. I wasn't easy on my Mom and Dad either - but if anyone in my bio family asked for a reunion today? I'd just bow out and say - Thank you for the life you gave me - I love you for it and I'm very happy where I am. </p><p> </p><p>Hugs </p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 396723, member: 4964"] Ploof - I'm adopted - I'm 46 - It took me YEARS - and I mean into my 40's to completely get a grip on how I felt about it. I've told other Mom's here that despite your very best Mothering skills and your loving home, and everything else that you do in our lives - there is a little something in the back of OUR ADOPTED brains that we have absolutely no clue is there. It's very weird. It's almost like a secret steering wheel that controls me without me knowing I'm being controlled. Or an inner voice that would contradict my self-esteem, or something in my being that would tell me no matter how hard I tried, no matter how happy I was, or how much I was doused with love and affection - it really was NOT for me. Superfically I knew that wasn't true. I KNEW in my heart my parents LOVED me - but a part of my brain always told me - THEY HAVE TO. And you will never understand this - but I likened it to when a person goes to a kennel and PICKS out a puppy - They want it, they've prepared for it, they felt a need for it, they paid for it - so of COURSE they will take care of it. ALL of those things at one time or another roll around in the back of an adoptees brain whether we want them to or not. Yes, I know as my Mom you WANT me, You PLANNED for me, YOU NEEDED me and I also know whether you knew about my coming or not - you'd be paying for me - but there is always thoughts like that whether they are conscious or subconscious. It's very hard to explain to someone who loves someone unconditionally so much - it's not you. On the flip side - also engrained in the back of a lot of adoptees like me - there was the WHY factor. WHY was I thrown away? WHY was I given up? WHY couldn't you make it work with me? WHY was I like garbage to you? WHY wasn't I important enough to keep? As a child - I think like a child. And those thoughts become patterns. I didn't even know those thoughts were becoming patterns - and eventually would effect the way I think about many things. Mostly my self esteem. I knew I wasn't wanted there, but these people THESE people wanted me so badly. THAT should have been the thing that mattered. But so many unsolved WHY's in my life, that I had no idea I even needed to ask about, to deal with when I was younger - and it made me a tad difficult to deal with as a teen and lead to me making poor decisions as an adult for myself. I deserved better - I just didn't feel I did. And it wasn't until I began therapy for being in a violent marriage - and left and took my son - that I started to realize I had that many issues - I figured if I left him? It was all done. Good. Not so - I had to go all the way back to how I felt as a four year old child being adopted.....and wow - what a revelation. I had NO clue NO clue when some of the things came out of my mouth in session - that did - that they were the underlying cause for so many of my problems, choices, or thought processes. If I didn't even know it myself HOW could I ever tell anyone else to get help? Your son isn't in a struggle with you. He's in a struggle with KNOWING that what he has right now is two loving parents that he wants to love and appreciate - but being so confused in his mind with the W's - who, what, where, when, why of his birth and all that - Even if it was open adoption? Still - messes you up. What I took away from counseling after 15 years? I am who I am irregardless of the W's. It would be interesting to find out that I'm a princess - or that I'm a certain nationality - I mean cause I am beautiful - or that I'm the granddaughter of Picasso because I am a good artist - you know (tongue in cheek) but WHO I am from here on out? Counts for so much more that WHERE I came from and ONLY I can make that happen, ONLY I can change it - and -----had I NOT been from Princess/Picasso stock - had my family genes been all horrible people - Great Granddaughter of Jack the Ripper (I mean I do like to slice cheese) and GGGGG Gdaughter Of Atila the Hun? You should see me ride a horse - I'm like a Barbarian.....then what? Does that mean I'm destined to be a bad person? Nope - just means that from this day forward I AM WHO I AM and who I MAKE ME TO BE - It's like I get a chance to be an dmake myself whomever I want to be. When you get over the history channel part of your world it's okay......but the struggle in it? Until someone in a professional capacity can work through the layers of it from now back to about age 4? He's going to struggle. Just keep in mind - it's not you - it's not your husband. It's your sons own personal war. Some kids - find help and get over it and come back around to their parents. Others just never do and that's so sad for them because they should appreciate and embrace their parents - and not only did they miss the chance for birth parents - but they missed the chance for their real parents in their life as well - Their loss - their is help out there you just have to know to ask for it. Hope this helps you - doesn't make it any less painful I am sure. I wasn't easy on my Mom and Dad either - but if anyone in my bio family asked for a reunion today? I'd just bow out and say - Thank you for the life you gave me - I love you for it and I'm very happy where I am. Hugs Star [/QUOTE]
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