Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
My son is in a crisis unit. Voluntarily, I think.
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 694924" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>You know I was fully conscious of this choice point, when I chose wrong.</p><p></p><p>I was in the master bedroom, laying down. My son was in his room talking to the psychiatrist making a plan about how he was going to follow through pursuing treatment. I knew that. I was flooded with the most intense feelings-like the kind of rage and fear that comes from being traumatized. Possibly even the wish for vengeance that you see on TV with the Palestinians and Israels when their children have been killed and they have gone mad with grief and rage and fear, and their is no knowing at the time which one is running the show, but it is clear that no sane mind is in charge. *So, please try not to tell me that this is wrong behavior for a mother. I am well aware of what I nutcase I am. But if I do not tell the truth to myself, I will not ever change--if it is possible to do so, because I am not sure.</p><p></p><p>So I walked right to his room knowing that I would likely sabotage whatever constructive plan he was making with the psychiatrist and I sabotaged it. And I knew what I was doing. I did not care. Because what had overridden my logical mind was the desire to get rid of the horrible feelings in my head (trauma, grief, rage, fear).</p><p></p><p>But the reality of this picture is my child is the injured one by his own hand and I feel as if I am the one that the pain is inflicted upon. I have substituted myself in the picture as the injured party. We have switched roles as surely as if I bargained to replace myself as the hostage. And there I am now the hostage and searching for a perpetrator (because after all there must be one) and what do I do--decide the perpetrator is my son, which makes perfect sense in one loony way. So I attack my son as the responsible party. Well he is the responsible party, But not in the sense that he is responsible for this tragedy that I am playing out. In the greatest sense he has nothing at all to do with it. But I see him as its trigger.</p><p></p><p>I am playing out my own story, of victimization and retribution, or some age old story that was passed down to me in my bloodline.(Can you see one of those mothers in the street in some southern mediterranean place. Except her dark hair is uncovered and wild in her face--pasted on her sweaty brow and nose snotty from crying--she is in the street screaming with her fists in the air. She is mythic and I am her.) Avenging my child/self--against my own child. Do you see it? I am truly a whack job. Please remember this when you rate my posts from now on. From now on please pick Whack Job. Or Wing Nut. Lest I forget.</p><p></p><p>I have offered myself up as the victim--and then see my son as the perpetrator against me. And I have then sabotaged what he is doing to help himself.</p><p></p><p>I mean, I need to lock myself up. So as to not do any more damage. Danger to self or others. I fit that category very, very well.Yes. I know I do. Thank you SWOT. I could say here it is because I like him and I love him but if I do I will feel ever more culpable and deranged.</p><p> I do not think so. This is M and my 4th prison together. </p><p></p><p>I think M is seeing what happens to me, and saying something like: You need to do what ever you have to do to get a grip. If your work is pushing you over the edge, stop it. But he is not saying stop it. </p><p></p><p>My son is the one who is saying "you are bringing work problems home" and I do not want to be the scapegoat. And he is right.</p><p></p><p>There is reality to what M and my son are saying. I agree with each of them. Thank you COM and SWOT. I will post again in a little bit about something that happened at work. I have clarity now about what I will do about that now.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 694924, member: 18958"] You know I was fully conscious of this choice point, when I chose wrong. I was in the master bedroom, laying down. My son was in his room talking to the psychiatrist making a plan about how he was going to follow through pursuing treatment. I knew that. I was flooded with the most intense feelings-like the kind of rage and fear that comes from being traumatized. Possibly even the wish for vengeance that you see on TV with the Palestinians and Israels when their children have been killed and they have gone mad with grief and rage and fear, and their is no knowing at the time which one is running the show, but it is clear that no sane mind is in charge. *So, please try not to tell me that this is wrong behavior for a mother. I am well aware of what I nutcase I am. But if I do not tell the truth to myself, I will not ever change--if it is possible to do so, because I am not sure. So I walked right to his room knowing that I would likely sabotage whatever constructive plan he was making with the psychiatrist and I sabotaged it. And I knew what I was doing. I did not care. Because what had overridden my logical mind was the desire to get rid of the horrible feelings in my head (trauma, grief, rage, fear). But the reality of this picture is my child is the injured one by his own hand and I feel as if I am the one that the pain is inflicted upon. I have substituted myself in the picture as the injured party. We have switched roles as surely as if I bargained to replace myself as the hostage. And there I am now the hostage and searching for a perpetrator (because after all there must be one) and what do I do--decide the perpetrator is my son, which makes perfect sense in one loony way. So I attack my son as the responsible party. Well he is the responsible party, But not in the sense that he is responsible for this tragedy that I am playing out. In the greatest sense he has nothing at all to do with it. But I see him as its trigger. I am playing out my own story, of victimization and retribution, or some age old story that was passed down to me in my bloodline.(Can you see one of those mothers in the street in some southern mediterranean place. Except her dark hair is uncovered and wild in her face--pasted on her sweaty brow and nose snotty from crying--she is in the street screaming with her fists in the air. She is mythic and I am her.) Avenging my child/self--against my own child. Do you see it? I am truly a whack job. Please remember this when you rate my posts from now on. From now on please pick Whack Job. Or Wing Nut. Lest I forget. I have offered myself up as the victim--and then see my son as the perpetrator against me. And I have then sabotaged what he is doing to help himself. I mean, I need to lock myself up. So as to not do any more damage. Danger to self or others. I fit that category very, very well.Yes. I know I do. Thank you SWOT. I could say here it is because I like him and I love him but if I do I will feel ever more culpable and deranged. I do not think so. This is M and my 4th prison together. I think M is seeing what happens to me, and saying something like: You need to do what ever you have to do to get a grip. If your work is pushing you over the edge, stop it. But he is not saying stop it. My son is the one who is saying "you are bringing work problems home" and I do not want to be the scapegoat. And he is right. There is reality to what M and my son are saying. I agree with each of them. Thank you COM and SWOT. I will post again in a little bit about something that happened at work. I have clarity now about what I will do about that now. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
My son is in a crisis unit. Voluntarily, I think.
Top