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My son left home today
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 739078" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi February, I am so sorry for your troubles with your son. His actions and words are more like an entitled teenager than a 36 year old man. It still hurts, seeing our flailing adult kids not taking on responsibility. What keeps us in their game is called FOG. Fear, Obligation, Guilt.</p><p>We fear what will happen when they leave, feel obligated to rescue them and guilty for either our parenting mistakes, or for having a roof over our heads and three squares.</p><p>We worked hard to provide for our children when they were growing up, taught them values, right from wrong, tried to get them to launch on their own to become responsible adults.</p><p>What the heck happened?</p><p>They grew up in age, but not mindset. Mine seem stuck at 16. But they are not. They are nearing 30 and 39. I am nearing 60, and will not be around forever to pick up their mess.</p><p>Move him out and pay for his rent! Is he joking? Does he not realize that money doesn’t grow on trees?</p><p>You are not kicking your son out, you are liberating him to be responsible for his choices.</p><p>There is a void when we take a stand and realize that our helping our adult kids has not helped them. It is a lesson for them, and for us at the same time. We become used to routines, even ones that are detrimental to our health. Housing and paying for entiltled adult children included. It becomes a norm for them, their insistence that we are obligated to continue our role as providers, beyond their childhood years <em>is absolutely absurd</em>. We know this, but the fog keeps us engaged, not knowing what to do, or where to turn. Our adult kids depend on this, the more we walk through this fog, the more they throw their responsibility on us. It is a vicious cycle. </p><p>The thing is, they are capable to survive. As long as we house them and keep them comfortable in our homes, they won’t budge.</p><p>What happens when we die?</p><p>It is imperative for them to learn to provide for themselves. That is what we most wish for them.</p><p>Self care, self sufficiency.</p><p>In the same way, we have to be mindful of our own health and sanity. It is not selfish to switch focus from our adult children, to what the rest of our lives looks like. </p><p>It is self care and self preservation.</p><p>I wish you strength on this journey. You matter. Your peace of mind matters.</p><p>No matter what this feels like, you are doing the right thing. You are showing your son that he is quite capable of taking care of himself. You are believing in him.</p><p>You are also standing up for yourself and your right to live the best rest of your life. With peace in your home.</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 739078, member: 19522"] Hi February, I am so sorry for your troubles with your son. His actions and words are more like an entitled teenager than a 36 year old man. It still hurts, seeing our flailing adult kids not taking on responsibility. What keeps us in their game is called FOG. Fear, Obligation, Guilt. We fear what will happen when they leave, feel obligated to rescue them and guilty for either our parenting mistakes, or for having a roof over our heads and three squares. We worked hard to provide for our children when they were growing up, taught them values, right from wrong, tried to get them to launch on their own to become responsible adults. What the heck happened? They grew up in age, but not mindset. Mine seem stuck at 16. But they are not. They are nearing 30 and 39. I am nearing 60, and will not be around forever to pick up their mess. Move him out and pay for his rent! Is he joking? Does he not realize that money doesn’t grow on trees? You are not kicking your son out, you are liberating him to be responsible for his choices. There is a void when we take a stand and realize that our helping our adult kids has not helped them. It is a lesson for them, and for us at the same time. We become used to routines, even ones that are detrimental to our health. Housing and paying for entiltled adult children included. It becomes a norm for them, their insistence that we are obligated to continue our role as providers, beyond their childhood years [I]is absolutely absurd[/I]. We know this, but the fog keeps us engaged, not knowing what to do, or where to turn. Our adult kids depend on this, the more we walk through this fog, the more they throw their responsibility on us. It is a vicious cycle. The thing is, they are capable to survive. As long as we house them and keep them comfortable in our homes, they won’t budge. What happens when we die? It is imperative for them to learn to provide for themselves. That is what we most wish for them. Self care, self sufficiency. In the same way, we have to be mindful of our own health and sanity. It is not selfish to switch focus from our adult children, to what the rest of our lives looks like. It is self care and self preservation. I wish you strength on this journey. You matter. Your peace of mind matters. No matter what this feels like, you are doing the right thing. You are showing your son that he is quite capable of taking care of himself. You are believing in him. You are also standing up for yourself and your right to live the best rest of your life. With peace in your home. (((Hugs))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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