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Substance Abuse
My son relapsed....
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 693843" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>RN, I am so sorry for your struggles with your son. It is a different scenario than mine, but after going through the ups and downs of this for years and years, I have finally come to a place of understanding that what I want for my two is entirely out of my hands.</p><p>I keep reflecting on Darkwing's comment about <em>humility.</em> I have not seen this with my two. Another trait that is a huge void within them is<em> empathy</em>. I feel that they have no understanding of the affect their actions and choices have on their <em>parents</em>. Okay, maybe they do, but they don't seem to care. Drugs have taken over and consumed them with selfishness. They do not want to hear about how their lifestyles have laid us bare, ripped our hearts out, frustrated us to no end. It is all about them, "woe is me" it is everyones else's fault. They don't want to look in the mirror. Maybe the reality is just too painful? Maybe if they faced the truth of their responsibility for their predicament, then they would have to change? They would have to face the fact that the consequences they live were wrought by their own decisions.</p><p>All I know in looking back is that we were caught up in this ugly, ugly game. It was a very one-sided struggle. We viewed them from the memories of rearing and caring for them, in turn, we were treated as an "opportunity". We thought we were helping them to step up to a better life, but were stepped on over and again. It is a desperate situation for all. The only way I saw survival for us and even my two, was for us to "pull back". I felt we were way more committed to a better life for them, than they were. I haven't seen yet that my detaching works for them, they still go on about their lives infused with drama and chaos. But, it is working for <em>me.</em> Oh, yes, I still have my moments but it is imperative for me to keep working on separating myself from the choices they make. To not be so emotionally and physically entangled with an outcome. I think though, that it can only help them to understand that I am not going to roll over and stop living my life as best can. I am not going to play the game anymore. It is because I saw no change when I was fully invested. It is true, I do not see change in them now,<em> but I do see change in me. </em></p><p> This happened to hubs and I over and over again. We would open our home, it would start out okay, then things would slip into the same ole, same ole. Nothing changes, if nothing changes. I have to remind myself not to fall into the trap of allowing them to disrespect me. Of allowing my love for them to override what is in front of my face.</p><p><img src="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/aa/c3/fe/aac3fe630e3ec2bfff56ae5b3d6385e1.jpg" alt="" class="fr-fic fr-dii fr-draggable " style="" /></p><p>What my two have shown me in their choices, their actions, how they have treated us, our home, is that while I love them, <em>I don't like them very much. </em>As they continue with this lifestyle and shirk all responsibility for their own choices, I will keep working on pulling back, until I see a noticeable difference in attitude, how they live, and how they treat me.</p><p> I completely understand your struggle and trying to help your son. He is just 20. I am not giving up hope for my two, just the fact that anything I do will get them to see the light.</p><p>They have to want to.</p><p>Your son has to want to see the light.</p><p>It doesn't matter to him what you want.</p><p>The same for my two.<em> It doesn't matter to them what I want.</em></p><p><em></em> I am glad you are seeing a therapist. It is good to have a professional help guide you through this. It is a rough road we all travel.</p><p>I guess what I am trying to share with you RN, is that you have the rest of your life to live. You matter. You need to do what you need to, to work this out. I hope and pray that your son wakes up and takes responsibility, appreciates the help he is receiving and continues to make an effort to change. While he is in rehab, and working on himself, it is an opportunity for you to work on you. I am glad you are doing that. You matter. You have a life to live. Be very kind and gentle wth yourself my friend.</p><p>(((HUGS)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 693843, member: 19522"] RN, I am so sorry for your struggles with your son. It is a different scenario than mine, but after going through the ups and downs of this for years and years, I have finally come to a place of understanding that what I want for my two is entirely out of my hands. I keep reflecting on Darkwing's comment about [I]humility.[/I] I have not seen this with my two. Another trait that is a huge void within them is[I] empathy[/I]. I feel that they have no understanding of the affect their actions and choices have on their [I]parents[/I]. Okay, maybe they do, but they don't seem to care. Drugs have taken over and consumed them with selfishness. They do not want to hear about how their lifestyles have laid us bare, ripped our hearts out, frustrated us to no end. It is all about them, "woe is me" it is everyones else's fault. They don't want to look in the mirror. Maybe the reality is just too painful? Maybe if they faced the truth of their responsibility for their predicament, then they would have to change? They would have to face the fact that the consequences they live were wrought by their own decisions. All I know in looking back is that we were caught up in this ugly, ugly game. It was a very one-sided struggle. We viewed them from the memories of rearing and caring for them, in turn, we were treated as an "opportunity". We thought we were helping them to step up to a better life, but were stepped on over and again. It is a desperate situation for all. The only way I saw survival for us and even my two, was for us to "pull back". I felt we were way more committed to a better life for them, than they were. I haven't seen yet that my detaching works for them, they still go on about their lives infused with drama and chaos. But, it is working for [I]me.[/I] Oh, yes, I still have my moments but it is imperative for me to keep working on separating myself from the choices they make. To not be so emotionally and physically entangled with an outcome. I think though, that it can only help them to understand that I am not going to roll over and stop living my life as best can. I am not going to play the game anymore. It is because I saw no change when I was fully invested. It is true, I do not see change in them now,[I] but I do see change in me. [/I] This happened to hubs and I over and over again. We would open our home, it would start out okay, then things would slip into the same ole, same ole. Nothing changes, if nothing changes. I have to remind myself not to fall into the trap of allowing them to disrespect me. Of allowing my love for them to override what is in front of my face. [IMG]https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/aa/c3/fe/aac3fe630e3ec2bfff56ae5b3d6385e1.jpg[/IMG] What my two have shown me in their choices, their actions, how they have treated us, our home, is that while I love them, [I]I don't like them very much. [/I]As they continue with this lifestyle and shirk all responsibility for their own choices, I will keep working on pulling back, until I see a noticeable difference in attitude, how they live, and how they treat me. I completely understand your struggle and trying to help your son. He is just 20. I am not giving up hope for my two, just the fact that anything I do will get them to see the light. They have to want to. Your son has to want to see the light. It doesn't matter to him what you want. The same for my two.[I] It doesn't matter to them what I want. [/I] I am glad you are seeing a therapist. It is good to have a professional help guide you through this. It is a rough road we all travel. I guess what I am trying to share with you RN, is that you have the rest of your life to live. You matter. You need to do what you need to, to work this out. I hope and pray that your son wakes up and takes responsibility, appreciates the help he is receiving and continues to make an effort to change. While he is in rehab, and working on himself, it is an opportunity for you to work on you. I am glad you are doing that. You matter. You have a life to live. Be very kind and gentle wth yourself my friend. (((HUGS))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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