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Substance Abuse
My son relapsed....
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 694449" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I believe the insurance rates go down at 26.</p><p></p><p>Let me try to convey my thinking here. The concept is subtle and hard to put into words. I know about this hook because I do it.</p><p></p><p>The above statement by you demonstrates continuing attachment to the idea that <em>your thinking about and doing</em> stuff can contribute to his ideal future. With this you show attachment to outcomes that are fully under his control and responsibility. Of course this is natural and normal that parents want things for their children.</p><p></p><p>The question is: Is it good for you or him for you to hold onto this wanting and planning for him and for his future? Because this will trip you up. And knowing that you are taking responsibility for even this small thing may trip him up and fuel his omnipotence and the sense he is not responsible.</p><p></p><p>There is a letting go I needed to do (and still do) of any control or indeed wanting for him for his future. I am absolutely horrible at this. Because I am really afraid for when I die, that he will not be able to take care of the property I leave him or himself. I very much am attached to, and take responsible for this deficiency. I am wrong.I disagree with this. I would guess that he knows this on some level. That everything will be forgiven. Why should it be?</p><p></p><p>He is culpable. In any other situation this might have been considered burglary or petty theft or even grand theft. At the very least, it is as assault on your trust and your husband's heart. And to the memory of his mother. Why would you forget this?</p><p></p><p>If it were me I would hold onto this--not let it go--because it is your protection. Against anything else he may do--so that you will protect yourself in the future--and against your going to far in the direction of taking responsibility for covering for him.</p><p></p><p>He knows this about you and he counts on it. I guarantee it. This is what has to change.</p><p></p><p>My son is really no angel--still--we have to watch ourselves every second of the day or he will overstep. The thing that began to change everything, little by little, is when he knew in his heart that there was no room for him in mine.</p><p></p><p>My son had to experience the rejection of people he had known more than half his life--whose hearts for him turned to ice--before he began to feel the pain of what he did. He cites that as a turning point for him.</p><p></p><p>I asked him yesterday: <em>Why are you here with us? I am not being sarcastic. I want to know. We are making it hard for you. What are you getting out of it--besides a comfortable place to stay? You could find other similar places without the strings.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>This was his answer:<em> It really affected me when E didn't want to have anything to do with me. And you. You used to throw me out 6 months if I did anything at all. I realized I need to learn to live in a family to be part of a family. I want to learn. I stay here because I want to belong to people.</em></p><p></p><p>I am so cynical now, a part of me, that I did not fully believe him and went to ask M. Who said,<em> believe him. There is no other answer that makes sense.</em></p><p></p><p>RN. Maybe your son is different and maybe you are too. I have a kind heart too. I loved my son 100 times more than myself. I was wrong. That was wrong for him. As long as they know we love them like that, they do not need to learn to love themselves like that.</p><p></p><p>And as long as we love them more than we love ourselves, we enable them. Yes I did. I am learning to love myself first.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 694449, member: 18958"] I believe the insurance rates go down at 26. Let me try to convey my thinking here. The concept is subtle and hard to put into words. I know about this hook because I do it. The above statement by you demonstrates continuing attachment to the idea that [I]your thinking about and doing[/I] stuff can contribute to his ideal future. With this you show attachment to outcomes that are fully under his control and responsibility. Of course this is natural and normal that parents want things for their children. The question is: Is it good for you or him for you to hold onto this wanting and planning for him and for his future? Because this will trip you up. And knowing that you are taking responsibility for even this small thing may trip him up and fuel his omnipotence and the sense he is not responsible. There is a letting go I needed to do (and still do) of any control or indeed wanting for him for his future. I am absolutely horrible at this. Because I am really afraid for when I die, that he will not be able to take care of the property I leave him or himself. I very much am attached to, and take responsible for this deficiency. I am wrong.I disagree with this. I would guess that he knows this on some level. That everything will be forgiven. Why should it be? He is culpable. In any other situation this might have been considered burglary or petty theft or even grand theft. At the very least, it is as assault on your trust and your husband's heart. And to the memory of his mother. Why would you forget this? If it were me I would hold onto this--not let it go--because it is your protection. Against anything else he may do--so that you will protect yourself in the future--and against your going to far in the direction of taking responsibility for covering for him. He knows this about you and he counts on it. I guarantee it. This is what has to change. My son is really no angel--still--we have to watch ourselves every second of the day or he will overstep. The thing that began to change everything, little by little, is when he knew in his heart that there was no room for him in mine. My son had to experience the rejection of people he had known more than half his life--whose hearts for him turned to ice--before he began to feel the pain of what he did. He cites that as a turning point for him. I asked him yesterday: [I]Why are you here with us? I am not being sarcastic. I want to know. We are making it hard for you. What are you getting out of it--besides a comfortable place to stay? You could find other similar places without the strings. [/I] This was his answer:[I] It really affected me when E didn't want to have anything to do with me. And you. You used to throw me out 6 months if I did anything at all. I realized I need to learn to live in a family to be part of a family. I want to learn. I stay here because I want to belong to people.[/I] I am so cynical now, a part of me, that I did not fully believe him and went to ask M. Who said,[I] believe him. There is no other answer that makes sense.[/I] RN. Maybe your son is different and maybe you are too. I have a kind heart too. I loved my son 100 times more than myself. I was wrong. That was wrong for him. As long as they know we love them like that, they do not need to learn to love themselves like that. And as long as we love them more than we love ourselves, we enable them. Yes I did. I am learning to love myself first. [/QUOTE]
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