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My wife won't accept that her daughter is just a bad person
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 713950" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>RayJay, my husband was instrumental in helping me see the situation with my daughter clearly. (he is not her father) He shared his 'reactions' to her, he wasn't at all critical or judgmental, he told me how it felt to him to not only deal with my daughter but to watch me suffer. It was his consistent, yet calm, non judgmental, honest sharing of his feelings about the situation that helped me to see what I could not see by myself. When I saw how much he was struggling with it, it made a big difference to me. When I heard how he felt, it was pretty much how I felt too, so I felt acknowledged and heard because he was right there going thru it with me. He was also in his own support system so he had a place he could vent about it when I wasn't there. </p><p></p><p>It's extremely difficult for parents, perhaps more challenging for mothers, I am not sure about that, but it seems we Mom's have a real challenge seeing our own children in the light of truth. We want to see them as being ok, otherwise we generally judge and blame ourselves very harshly. We are already blaming ourselves and feeling guilty, so it takes a soft touch, in my opinion, to say the truth to someone who doesn't want to hear it, in a way that can be heard. I could hear my husband because he was not judgmental and he tends to be a gentle soul anyway, so his approach was soft. I heard him and it helped me tremendously. After he told me how he felt that time, we then began to be a team, we could talk about it without making each other wrong.</p><p></p><p>One thing I would suggest if it feels right to you is to take time to be with your wife alone without this drama plaguing you. We began taking short day long road trips to the ocean or the woods. I would be stressed out because of my daughter's latest dramas and we would hop in the car and take off. For maybe an hour we would talk about her and what was going on and then as we got further from home, it would oddly dissipate.......we would begin to enjoy the scenery, or the ocean or wherever we went. We'd go out to lunch in a town we'd never been. We began hiking a lot together and that was also helpful. We did the road trips at least weekly for awhile, until I became better at accepting what is. It is a process, it takes time. It was indeed the most difficult thing I have ever done and it may be important for you to recognize just how devastating this is for your wife and show her real compassion and empathy.</p><p></p><p>Your wife may or may not change and learn to detach from her daughter, and as the others have stated, it may be wise for you both to seek counseling together by someone who is knowledgeable in substance abuse and codependency issues, as well as you attending an Al Anon group or Narc Anon, or CoDA or Families Anonymous (many here have found solace, guidance, inspiration and support in the 12 step programs)...and yes they do lean toward being religious, however, you can let that part go and focus on what others are talking about in their recovery stories. It is the group energy that is important, the rest you can leave alone if it doesn't fit and simply take what you need. It sounds to me as if you both could use support.</p><p></p><p>I agree about reading Codependent no More by Melodie Beatty and you might find value in the article on detachment at the bottom of my post. </p><p></p><p>You entered in to a difficult situation with your wife's daughter....in my opinion, professional help is indicated. Someone who can help her to see the truth and to learn to accept it.... and to help you be a good support for your wife as she goes thru this. You may or may not succeed, but it sure seems worth the try.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 713950, member: 13542"] RayJay, my husband was instrumental in helping me see the situation with my daughter clearly. (he is not her father) He shared his 'reactions' to her, he wasn't at all critical or judgmental, he told me how it felt to him to not only deal with my daughter but to watch me suffer. It was his consistent, yet calm, non judgmental, honest sharing of his feelings about the situation that helped me to see what I could not see by myself. When I saw how much he was struggling with it, it made a big difference to me. When I heard how he felt, it was pretty much how I felt too, so I felt acknowledged and heard because he was right there going thru it with me. He was also in his own support system so he had a place he could vent about it when I wasn't there. It's extremely difficult for parents, perhaps more challenging for mothers, I am not sure about that, but it seems we Mom's have a real challenge seeing our own children in the light of truth. We want to see them as being ok, otherwise we generally judge and blame ourselves very harshly. We are already blaming ourselves and feeling guilty, so it takes a soft touch, in my opinion, to say the truth to someone who doesn't want to hear it, in a way that can be heard. I could hear my husband because he was not judgmental and he tends to be a gentle soul anyway, so his approach was soft. I heard him and it helped me tremendously. After he told me how he felt that time, we then began to be a team, we could talk about it without making each other wrong. One thing I would suggest if it feels right to you is to take time to be with your wife alone without this drama plaguing you. We began taking short day long road trips to the ocean or the woods. I would be stressed out because of my daughter's latest dramas and we would hop in the car and take off. For maybe an hour we would talk about her and what was going on and then as we got further from home, it would oddly dissipate.......we would begin to enjoy the scenery, or the ocean or wherever we went. We'd go out to lunch in a town we'd never been. We began hiking a lot together and that was also helpful. We did the road trips at least weekly for awhile, until I became better at accepting what is. It is a process, it takes time. It was indeed the most difficult thing I have ever done and it may be important for you to recognize just how devastating this is for your wife and show her real compassion and empathy. Your wife may or may not change and learn to detach from her daughter, and as the others have stated, it may be wise for you both to seek counseling together by someone who is knowledgeable in substance abuse and codependency issues, as well as you attending an Al Anon group or Narc Anon, or CoDA or Families Anonymous (many here have found solace, guidance, inspiration and support in the 12 step programs)...and yes they do lean toward being religious, however, you can let that part go and focus on what others are talking about in their recovery stories. It is the group energy that is important, the rest you can leave alone if it doesn't fit and simply take what you need. It sounds to me as if you both could use support. I agree about reading Codependent no More by Melodie Beatty and you might find value in the article on detachment at the bottom of my post. You entered in to a difficult situation with your wife's daughter....in my opinion, professional help is indicated. Someone who can help her to see the truth and to learn to accept it.... and to help you be a good support for your wife as she goes thru this. You may or may not succeed, but it sure seems worth the try. [/QUOTE]
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