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Narcissistic personality disorder adult son
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 724788" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>I was thinking of this Ds. In reality, we have been going through a series of detachment since giving birth, from when the umbilical cord is cut, to nursing and feeding infants, the first steps, to letting go of the bike, the first sleepover, and on and on.</p><p>We weren't meant to hang on to our kids so tightly, they are supposed to grow wings and fly.</p><p>When they do, and return to us in unhealthy ways, we need to examine the relationship.</p><p>They will always be our kids.</p><p>Just grown up and hopefully launched into their own worlds, finding their potential.</p><p>I have found that many of our d cs (including my own) will cling to their past in unhealthy ways, finding times when they think we have failed them as parents and use that as an excuse for whatever mistakes they make.</p><p>This blaming eeks out in all sorts of ways, and we fall into a sort of trap, examining our past, (where did we go wrong?), reeling the tapes, looking for answers. There is no such thing as a perfect parent, or child. They just grow up and make choices. Their choices.</p><p>It is not that we are disowning our adult kids. Detaching does not mean we sever ties, or cut off our feelings or love for them.</p><p>We will always love them.</p><p>We are setting healthy boundaries and detaching from unacceptable behaviors.</p><p>It is really a cycle. Life is a series of cycles.</p><p>When our adult children go off the rails and engage in unhealthy choices, we go through this cycling of grief, and despair. We would give anything to have our kids living well, making better choices and not suffering consequences.</p><p>It is hard to see them struggle.</p><p>We all have to learn from our own struggles. To do better. To not go down that road again.</p><p>When their struggles, include using or abusing their parents, it is a hard road to go down. I don't think we even recognize what is happening at first, because we become so busy wondering what the heck is going on. Then there is that feeling that there must be <em>something </em>we can do, that if we stop engaging, who could they turn too?</p><p> So your son has behaved inappropriately to other important people in his life, so much so that they cut ties with him. Consequences. You will always be his mother, Ds.</p><p> Don't read them. Why torture yourself? It is like a toddler tantrum. We had to learn to disengage from that, to not accept and give in to a two year olds whining and crying. This is similar. You are not severing ties with your son, you are detaching from his unacceptable behavior, and all of the drama, confusion and sadness it causes you.</p><p> He wants, what he wants, what he wants. Toddler tantrum. Don't engage and endorse that behavior with a response of your own. That is what he is looking for. He is trying to condition you, to break you down into accepting his version of the world. You are his parent. You are the teacher. We can't control how our adult d cs are acting, their choices, but we can control how <em>we react</em>. That, takes practice. It takes time and baby steps, to see what is happening, and find our way out of the muck of it.</p><p> Abuse, is abuse, is abuse. We don't do our adult children any <em>favors by allowing it</em>. In fact, we wreck ourselves over it, coming to the point where we can't stand them. <em>Really, we can't stand their behaviors.</em> On another post, I pondered on the term unconditional love. It is because my d cs would wave that term in front of me, as if I was to accept them as they are, that they should be able to stay in my home and run all over me with their drug behaviors. That by telling them they couldn't live with me because of their actions, <em>that I didn't love them. </em>Much like your son says that you love your daughter and granddaughter more. My two will wave that in front of me too. That I love my other children more. OUCH. Not true.</p><p>Jabber replied on unconditional love, that it means we will always love them, <em>that it doesn't mean we will allow them to walk all over us.</em></p><p>Just that.</p><p>I had to learn that love says no.</p><p>Love sets boundaries.</p><p>You have already taken some steps here, Ds, by recognizing that there is a problem. Addressing it and making changes, is the hard part, but not impossible. Nothing has to be done all at once. </p><p>We have no control over how our adult children will act.</p><p>But, we can learn to have control on <em>what we focus on.</em></p><p>Shift your focus.</p><p>We have to learn how to love ourselves.</p><p>Self love, is not selfish.</p><p>It is imperative to take care of ourselves.</p><p>This is a very important step, to learning how to detach from unhealthy behaviors, to put things in proper perspective.</p><p>We get all topsy turvy with this stuff.</p><p>It is a hard place to be.</p><p>Be very kind to yourself, Ds.</p><p>You did your job as his mother. You will always be his mother. You will be loving him and teaching him, by not allowing him to tread on you.</p><p>It is absurd, really, for an adult child, to verbally abuse his own mother.</p><p>Unacceptable.</p><p>No matter what his "diagnoses" is.</p><p>He is trying to condition you, to accept mistreatment.</p><p>Nobody deserves to be abused.</p><p>You matter.</p><p>Take time for yourself, and find joy in the simple things.</p><p>We all deserve to live peaceably.</p><p>You can do this, one small step at a time.</p><p>(((HUGS)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 724788, member: 19522"] I was thinking of this Ds. In reality, we have been going through a series of detachment since giving birth, from when the umbilical cord is cut, to nursing and feeding infants, the first steps, to letting go of the bike, the first sleepover, and on and on. We weren't meant to hang on to our kids so tightly, they are supposed to grow wings and fly. When they do, and return to us in unhealthy ways, we need to examine the relationship. They will always be our kids. Just grown up and hopefully launched into their own worlds, finding their potential. I have found that many of our d cs (including my own) will cling to their past in unhealthy ways, finding times when they think we have failed them as parents and use that as an excuse for whatever mistakes they make. This blaming eeks out in all sorts of ways, and we fall into a sort of trap, examining our past, (where did we go wrong?), reeling the tapes, looking for answers. There is no such thing as a perfect parent, or child. They just grow up and make choices. Their choices. It is not that we are disowning our adult kids. Detaching does not mean we sever ties, or cut off our feelings or love for them. We will always love them. We are setting healthy boundaries and detaching from unacceptable behaviors. It is really a cycle. Life is a series of cycles. When our adult children go off the rails and engage in unhealthy choices, we go through this cycling of grief, and despair. We would give anything to have our kids living well, making better choices and not suffering consequences. It is hard to see them struggle. We all have to learn from our own struggles. To do better. To not go down that road again. When their struggles, include using or abusing their parents, it is a hard road to go down. I don't think we even recognize what is happening at first, because we become so busy wondering what the heck is going on. Then there is that feeling that there must be [I]something [/I]we can do, that if we stop engaging, who could they turn too? So your son has behaved inappropriately to other important people in his life, so much so that they cut ties with him. Consequences. You will always be his mother, Ds. Don't read them. Why torture yourself? It is like a toddler tantrum. We had to learn to disengage from that, to not accept and give in to a two year olds whining and crying. This is similar. You are not severing ties with your son, you are detaching from his unacceptable behavior, and all of the drama, confusion and sadness it causes you. He wants, what he wants, what he wants. Toddler tantrum. Don't engage and endorse that behavior with a response of your own. That is what he is looking for. He is trying to condition you, to break you down into accepting his version of the world. You are his parent. You are the teacher. We can't control how our adult d cs are acting, their choices, but we can control how [I]we react[/I]. That, takes practice. It takes time and baby steps, to see what is happening, and find our way out of the muck of it. Abuse, is abuse, is abuse. We don't do our adult children any [I]favors by allowing it[/I]. In fact, we wreck ourselves over it, coming to the point where we can't stand them. [I]Really, we can't stand their behaviors.[/I] On another post, I pondered on the term unconditional love. It is because my d cs would wave that term in front of me, as if I was to accept them as they are, that they should be able to stay in my home and run all over me with their drug behaviors. That by telling them they couldn't live with me because of their actions, [I]that I didn't love them. [/I]Much like your son says that you love your daughter and granddaughter more. My two will wave that in front of me too. That I love my other children more. OUCH. Not true. Jabber replied on unconditional love, that it means we will always love them, [I]that it doesn't mean we will allow them to walk all over us.[/I] Just that. I had to learn that love says no. Love sets boundaries. You have already taken some steps here, Ds, by recognizing that there is a problem. Addressing it and making changes, is the hard part, but not impossible. Nothing has to be done all at once. We have no control over how our adult children will act. But, we can learn to have control on [I]what we focus on.[/I] Shift your focus. We have to learn how to love ourselves. Self love, is not selfish. It is imperative to take care of ourselves. This is a very important step, to learning how to detach from unhealthy behaviors, to put things in proper perspective. We get all topsy turvy with this stuff. It is a hard place to be. Be very kind to yourself, Ds. You did your job as his mother. You will always be his mother. You will be loving him and teaching him, by not allowing him to tread on you. It is absurd, really, for an adult child, to verbally abuse his own mother. Unacceptable. No matter what his "diagnoses" is. He is trying to condition you, to accept mistreatment. Nobody deserves to be abused. You matter. Take time for yourself, and find joy in the simple things. We all deserve to live peaceably. You can do this, one small step at a time. (((HUGS))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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