Narcissistic personality disorder adult son

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by DS2357, Dec 8, 2017.

  1. DS2357

    DS2357 New Member

    I am new to this group and reaching out for some emotional support to deal with my 30 year old son, who, after extensive research, I have diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic personality. There is nothing I can do that is enough for him although I have given so much to financially help him over the years. What I give is never enough. He is financially, emotionally, unstable. While he has actually alienated everybody that is supposed to mean something to him, I try to hang on as his mother. I can't even say that I "love" him as his verbal abuse is so constant and feels like daggers in my heart. The kicker is he lives very far away from me and our only contact is through Facebook. His messages to me are so insanely awful, I just don't know what to do anymore. I finally said no to one of his recent requests for help recently, and the abuse from him seems to get worse. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I have a 40 year old son with a personality disorder. He is not as extreme as yours and I am glad he lives far away. His siblings don't want anything to do with him and the rest of us are a close, loving family.

    If son abuses me on phone or text I don't respond for three days. If he asks for anything...he has a good job...no. I won't. Although he does have a personality disorder he likes to talk to me so when I give him three days of no contact for being abusive, he cares and tries harder.

    You can't cure borderline or narcism. Don't try. Do you have other loved ones? My awesome hub and other sweet kids lift me up and make life worthwhile. My son is not within my control but I won't listen to his abuse or read it. Cut reading your sons social media.

    Talk to the hand, Son, unless you are being nice. No excrptions. Try it!
     
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  3. Sam3

    Sam3 Active Member

    Message him that your conversations detract from your sense of well-being and that you are taking a break. Do not wait for a response. Turn off your computer and put down the smart devices.

    Have a glass of wine and a bath.

    Commit to a length of time that you will not read or respond to his communications. I suggest at least three weeks (which I’ve read is how long is needed to develop new habits). It may give you enough time to cycle through being sick with worry, grief and gaining some perspective

    Evaluate whether your life is better or worse after that. A grown adult son should not be making your life worse with his choices and behavior.

    Figure out whether and how you want him to remain in your life. And communicate those boundaries.

    Sorry to be so definitive and blunt. But I believe if you do that, the exercise will speak for itself.

    And no one will die. If you think one of you just might, in that span, then a sickness has set into your relationship and healing is needed anyway.
     
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  4. DS2357

    DS2357 New Member

     
  5. DS2357

    DS2357 New Member

    Yes, I do have a daughter and granddaughter that live near me. My son hates that and takes every opportunity to throw in my face how I have given so much support to them instead of him. Which isn't true, but that's how he sees it. I can't win no matter what I do with him. My daughter and son do not get along and don't speak to each other.
     
  6. DS2357

    DS2357 New Member

     
  7. DS2357

    DS2357 New Member

    I wish it were so easy to figure out of I want him in or out of my life. He's my son! But he makes me miserable. So sad to say.
     
  8. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hello DS and welcome. I am so sorry for your aching mommas heart.
    It is hard when the kids we raised grow up into adulthood and don’t have a clue how to be respectful to their parent. I think one of the best things I’ve read here on CD, is to remove the relationship part and ask yourself if you would allow a stranger, or friend to mistreat you in the same way. The answer is probably “heck no.”
    The thing is, our adult children should be more respectful to us than anybody.
    Period.
    Why do we take abuse from our adult d cs? Your son has mistreated many others, who have cut ties with him. You keep the connection to him because you are his mother. Understandably, it is a terrible feeling to think our beloveds have nobody to rely on. It doesn’t mean that you have to coldly cut him out of your life permanently. Setting boundaries for you is important. You matter. He crosses the line. Not good for him, or for you. It becomes a burden for you, and he will continue to push and push, as long as you allow it.
    There is a very good article on detachment on the PE forum page. Detachment doesn’t mean cutting our d cs off. It means to me that we begin to realize the relationship is unhealthy and we learn to shift focus on how to strengthen ourselves. To work towards peace within ourselves. We have no control over what another adult decides to do, but we can decide our level of involvement and learn how to create healthy boundaries so that we don’t get crushed emotionally.
    Stress and despair is so very bad for our health. Life is short.
    You don’t have to do anything, right this minute, DS, as far as your son goes.
    Just take steps towards self care. Work hard at building yourself up, one small moment at a time. The answers will come.
    You matter. Your peace and joy matter.
    You are not alone.
    (((Hugs)))
    Leafy
     
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  9. DS2357

    DS2357 New Member

     
  10. DS2357

    DS2357 New Member

    Thank you so much! Your reply hit home... spot on! I will go read the article you suggest. Thanks for your input. It's just very hard to detach from the one I gave birth to.
     
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  11. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    I was thinking of this Ds. In reality, we have been going through a series of detachment since giving birth, from when the umbilical cord is cut, to nursing and feeding infants, the first steps, to letting go of the bike, the first sleepover, and on and on.
    We weren't meant to hang on to our kids so tightly, they are supposed to grow wings and fly.
    When they do, and return to us in unhealthy ways, we need to examine the relationship.
    They will always be our kids.
    Just grown up and hopefully launched into their own worlds, finding their potential.
    I have found that many of our d cs (including my own) will cling to their past in unhealthy ways, finding times when they think we have failed them as parents and use that as an excuse for whatever mistakes they make.
    This blaming eeks out in all sorts of ways, and we fall into a sort of trap, examining our past, (where did we go wrong?), reeling the tapes, looking for answers. There is no such thing as a perfect parent, or child. They just grow up and make choices. Their choices.
    It is not that we are disowning our adult kids. Detaching does not mean we sever ties, or cut off our feelings or love for them.
    We will always love them.
    We are setting healthy boundaries and detaching from unacceptable behaviors.
    It is really a cycle. Life is a series of cycles.
    When our adult children go off the rails and engage in unhealthy choices, we go through this cycling of grief, and despair. We would give anything to have our kids living well, making better choices and not suffering consequences.
    It is hard to see them struggle.
    We all have to learn from our own struggles. To do better. To not go down that road again.
    When their struggles, include using or abusing their parents, it is a hard road to go down. I don't think we even recognize what is happening at first, because we become so busy wondering what the heck is going on. Then there is that feeling that there must be something we can do, that if we stop engaging, who could they turn too?
    So your son has behaved inappropriately to other important people in his life, so much so that they cut ties with him. Consequences. You will always be his mother, Ds.
    Don't read them. Why torture yourself? It is like a toddler tantrum. We had to learn to disengage from that, to not accept and give in to a two year olds whining and crying. This is similar. You are not severing ties with your son, you are detaching from his unacceptable behavior, and all of the drama, confusion and sadness it causes you.
    He wants, what he wants, what he wants. Toddler tantrum. Don't engage and endorse that behavior with a response of your own. That is what he is looking for. He is trying to condition you, to break you down into accepting his version of the world. You are his parent. You are the teacher. We can't control how our adult d cs are acting, their choices, but we can control how we react. That, takes practice. It takes time and baby steps, to see what is happening, and find our way out of the muck of it.
    Abuse, is abuse, is abuse. We don't do our adult children any favors by allowing it. In fact, we wreck ourselves over it, coming to the point where we can't stand them. Really, we can't stand their behaviors. On another post, I pondered on the term unconditional love. It is because my d cs would wave that term in front of me, as if I was to accept them as they are, that they should be able to stay in my home and run all over me with their drug behaviors. That by telling them they couldn't live with me because of their actions, that I didn't love them. Much like your son says that you love your daughter and granddaughter more. My two will wave that in front of me too. That I love my other children more. OUCH. Not true.
    Jabber replied on unconditional love, that it means we will always love them, that it doesn't mean we will allow them to walk all over us.
    Just that.
    I had to learn that love says no.
    Love sets boundaries.
    You have already taken some steps here, Ds, by recognizing that there is a problem. Addressing it and making changes, is the hard part, but not impossible. Nothing has to be done all at once.
    We have no control over how our adult children will act.
    But, we can learn to have control on what we focus on.
    Shift your focus.
    We have to learn how to love ourselves.
    Self love, is not selfish.
    It is imperative to take care of ourselves.
    This is a very important step, to learning how to detach from unhealthy behaviors, to put things in proper perspective.
    We get all topsy turvy with this stuff.
    It is a hard place to be.
    Be very kind to yourself, Ds.
    You did your job as his mother. You will always be his mother. You will be loving him and teaching him, by not allowing him to tread on you.
    It is absurd, really, for an adult child, to verbally abuse his own mother.
    Unacceptable.
    No matter what his "diagnoses" is.
    He is trying to condition you, to accept mistreatment.
    Nobody deserves to be abused.
    You matter.
    Take time for yourself, and find joy in the simple things.
    We all deserve to live peaceably.
    You can do this, one small step at a time.
    (((HUGS)))
    Leafy
     
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  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Leafy, you arevso smart.

    We can't treat our loved ones all the same. Duh, we are going to enjoy being around our kind children more than those who swear at us and demean us. I am always happy to get calls/texts from my kind adult children. I often cringe when Bart calls. He calls favoritism too.

    Too bad. It's not. You get what you give. Nobody enjoys a battering as much as love. Not even a mother.
     
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  13. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    DS
    Welcome you are not alone and there are many wonderful supports on here.

    Detaching is a process and a near impossible one at that.

    I am glad you found us here.
    Take good care of yourself.

    Leafy is right love does say No.
     
  14. DS2357

    DS2357 New Member

     
  15. DS2357

    DS2357 New Member

    Thank you everyone for your input. It's nice knowing my feelings are valid and I am not alone In this awful scenario of mother/ child relationship. Just wish it were different!
     
  16. DS2357

    DS2357 New Member

     
  17. DS2357

    DS2357 New Member

    So my next question about Detachment after reading that wonderful Article, is it recommended to "tell" my son, who I am detaching from, or just practice the art of detaching.......
     
  18. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    It is up to you, Ds.
    I don't say anything about what I am working on to strengthen myself to my two, well, I don't have much opportunity there.
    I think the main thing is to switch focus to healing ourselves. From a stronger stance, we can start to revise our response to our d cs, when we communicate with them, and also the emotional reaction within ourselves.
    They may, or may not notice a difference.
    If you continue to work at it, you will begin to see that his rampages and tirades won't send you reeling.
    You'll have a firmer foundation to stand up for yourself.
    You don't have to tell him anything.
    At this point, from how you describe him, it will just provoke him to attack you more.
    You don't need that Ds.
    You need much deserved peace of mind.
    (((HUGS)))
    Leafy
     
  19. DS2357

    DS2357 New Member

     
  20. DS2357

    DS2357 New Member

    Thank you, Leafy! My new me starts today!
     
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