Husband Being Abused By Adult Son

[Mirabelle]

It has been a while since I have posted. Some of you might recall me writing about my stepson - a once lovely boy who has grown up into a mean and lost person diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Bio mom has a personality disorder in addition to bipolar and they are peas in a pod. He also uses drugs on the regular (just like she does.)

My husband deals with his son directly; I offer support from behind the scenes. We have been hanging in there through several failed rehab attempts (failed because our son chose to walk out), an ongoing struggle to find permanent supported housing (he gets kicked out of halfway houses and shelters for basically being a massive pain in the ass), and several hospital stays - the latest after he was jumped and beaten to a pulp by some 'friends.' He blamed my husband for damaging his reputation on the street by calling the paramedics, even though he required assistance to breathe at the time. I am at the point where I am ready to let him go.

Last night I overheard a phone call between husband and son. Son gets a disability check which my husband and I manage by paying his monthly expenses, and then dividing the rest into a daily allowance. It is never, never enough. Getting a job is out of the question because he does not like other people telling him what to do (his words.) My husband is harassed daily on the phone for more money, more money, more money. I have tried to encourage my husband to be ok with not answering these phone calls after his daily allowance has been sent. But until last night I was not aware of the level of verbal and emotional abuse my husband is swallowing.

The usual stuff that I'm sure many here are familiar with :

You have abandoned me.
You never help me.
You never believed in me.
You're living it up with your b****(me), while I'm on the streets starving.
You owe me.
If you had given me money to start my own business, like real fathers do, I wouldn't be in this situation.
You are supposed to share your money with me because I am your son.
I don't want to hear about your bills, that's BS. What about me?

I am so worried for my husband's health, in all aspects. This hateful boy is killing him. I guess I am just venting. I want him to protect himself from this abuse, but I know I can't control that. I would like for us to continue to manage his son's finances to make sure he can eat, and has a place to stay. But other than that I think we need to cut off contact, at least for now. I am worried I am going to lose my husband from four years and counting of this constant strain, which just seems to steadily escalate as the months and years go by.

We attend NarAnon and see a therapist together. Thank you for listening!

Mirabelle

 

[Crayola13]

It’s on him if he’s getting banned from homeless shelters for his behavior. From your previous postings, it never occurs to him that there are consequences for problematic behavior. He simply doesn’t have the ability to understand that.

I’m sorry for what your husband is going through. He needs to decide for himself to not tolerate verbal abuse and guilt trips. When the name calling and hateful tone starts, he should hang up and tell his son not to call for two days. He should warn him in advance that when the sharp tone starts, his number will be blocked. Your husband needs to consider his health.

 

[Mirabelle]

It’s on him if he’s getting banned from homeless shelters for his behavior. From your previous postings, it never occurs to him that there are consequences for problematic behavior. He simply doesn’t have the ability to understand that.

I’m sorry for what your husband is going through. He needs to decide for himself to not tolerate verbal abuse and guilt trips. When the name calling and hateful tone starts, he should hang up and tell his son not to call for two days. He should warn him in advance that when the sharp tone starts, his number will be blocked. Your husband needs to consider his health.

Thank you Crayola. ❤ I appreciate the support.

 

[KTMom91]

Is there anyone else who can manage your stepson's disability check? Maybe someone through disability? That will protect your husband somewhat; I know I would not want to be in the position of having to do that for either my daughter or my husband's sons. I imagine they would take that as a personal insult instead of a way to help them. If there's no one else to be the administrator, maybe it's time for your husband to refuse to be the gatekeeper and let your stepson manage on his own. Easier said than done, but you two need to protect yourselves from his abuse. Many hugs.

 

[Mirabelle]

Thank you for your response KTMom. We have considered having someone manage his check in an official capacity, but we have had so much trouble with Social Services saying they will do things and then never doing them and telling us it is our fault / problem if something goes sideways. My stepson was deemed incompetent to manage his own money at the time he qualified for disability. My husband has considered giving him the whole check, but within 3-4 days he would be out of money and back on our doorstep demanding we do his bidding.

But I do appreciate the input. These are certainly options and possibilities we will continue revisiting as we try to find a way out of this mess. When my stepson was younger, his dad would tell him he would not argue with him, that they were not going to have this conversation etc., and then 10 minutes later they would still be at it. It would mostly end with some kind of concession on my husband's part. It is the same pattern now. I have tried to tactfully tell him that part of the reason his son continues to pester him relentlessly is that about 80% of the time, it ends in his son getting some or all of what he was asking for. No means maybe. I hope he can find the strength to be firmer and hold out for his own health and well being, and ultimately that of his son.

Hugs to you too!!

 

[Nomad]

Hello. The others have given you excellent advice. How old is he?

For your own comfort and ease, you might pay for his housing/rent from his check and then give him the rest in a lump sum. Making sure he has a roof over his head. Not ideal for him, but easier for you. You might pay for him to have a cell phone as his yearly birthday or holiday gift. Bottom line…reduce interaction.

I donated some can goods to a woman who works at a center for the homeless. It’s not a shelter per say. But they provide free food , clothing, toiletries and books. She did tell me occasionally they have to ban people for being mean, abusive…cussing etc. They ban them for one month. I thought it was interesting.

Families Anonymous is a great support group if you have one locally. The camaraderie/support is helpful. Some churches are starting to have groups like this too. I was shocked and pleased that there is one at a church in my neighborhood I might visit.

 

[in a daze]

I second Families Anonymous as well. It has helped me so much! I have seen my FA friends change their reactions to their troubled adult children as time goes on. As the parents set boundaries and not overreact to their kids’ antics they feel better, and many times, but not always, the kids start to change as well.

 

[Mirabelle]

Nomad and In A Daze...........thank you. My stepson is 22, and woefully immature and naive for his age, although of course all 22 year olds are babies really. Your suggestion about paying for his housing and handing over the rest is something we have decided to do, starting today. My husband says after handing over that cash he feels he has seen his son for the last time. I pray to God this isn't true. I am hoping the converse will happen and he will realize that he can't continue to behave the way he does if he wants interaction with his family. This will be very hard for my husband. The phone calls will start again in a few days, even though he was handed several hundred dollars this morning. He got robbed, beaten up, he's homeless, he's hungry, how can we leave him on the street to die etc. etc. I told my husband he won't hear this garbage if he is not listening ie. do not pick up the phone. But we will see.

We actually have a NarAnon group which is very supportive. My husband has set and stuck to certain boundaries as we have gone along in this journey, but I feel that it is time to raise the bar and as you said, In A Daze, not overreact to our kid's antics.

Hugs to you both.

 

[Mirabelle]

Well, it didn't take long.........two days after receiving his allowance in a lump sum, my stepson was taken to the ER. Some kind souls saw him wandering around behaving very strangely and wearing nothing but shorts. They called the police who took him to the hospital to be treated. High as a kite with no idea where he was or what was going on.

My husband has not spoken to him; someone at the hospital called him as an emergency contact that they had on file from previous admittances, to let him know that his son had been admitted. My husband says he is determined to maintain no contact - it is long term rehab or we are out of his life for the time being. So we shall see what the next few days hold.

 

[Nomad]

This is very sad. IN a way, I like that you said that you are out of his life "for the time being." He desperately needs rehab. You , chances are sky high, you two need respite. He needs to make a personal decision for change. It's heart breaking. But, it's not your fault. I get it. You turn this way, you turn that way...it all blows up in your faces because they can't , wont...some combo of both....the don't truly want help, they don't truly seek help.. the don't .truly make the great personal effort it requires for positive change. All you can "change" really is yourselves...your reactions, your day to day lives...seeking health and happiness. Hold on to your support from the group you mentioned and your spiritual beliefs. Blessings.

 

[Mirabelle]

Thank you Nomad. You speak of my son needing to make a personal decision for change; that he can't, won't, some combo of both, truly make the great personal effort it requires for positive change. And this is absolutely correct, and at the heart of why I think this is a losing battle. He is inherently lazy, with the attention span of a gnat. I don't say this to insult him, and of course bipolar and a possible personality disorder have a big part to play. I think there is a part of him that wants more for himself and his family, that wants to do right. When it comes right down to it he has a big heart like his Dad. But I think the part I speak of is a small part. It gets overrun easily by all the negative - laziness, manipulation, entitlement, lack of motivation, the pathological need for instant gratification. It will indeed take a great personal effort to change, and right now I frankly don't think he has that in him.

He is presently in detox and has committed to a lengthy rehab after that. I don't expect much, but I am thankful that for the here and now he is safe and not in a position to do any more damage to himself.

Hugs to you.

 

[JMom]

Thank you Nomad. You speak of my son needing to make a personal decision for change; that he can't, won't, some combo of both, truly make the great personal effort it requires for positive change. And this is absolutely correct, and at the heart of why I think this is a losing battle. He is inherently lazy, with the attention span of a gnat. I don't say this to insult him, and of course bipolar and a possible personality disorder have a big part to play. I think there is a part of him that wants more for himself and his family, that wants to do right. When it comes right down to it he has a big heart like his Dad. But I think the part I speak of is a small part. It gets overrun easily by all the negative - laziness, manipulation, entitlement, lack of motivation, the pathological need for instant gratification. It will indeed take a great personal effort to change, and right now I frankly don't think he has that in him.

He is presently in detox and has committed to a lengthy rehab after that. I don't expect much, but I am thankful that for the here and now he is safe and not in a position to do any more damage to himself.

Hugs to you.

Mirabelle,

I am hoping for the best for your boy. 22 is so very young. I know he is grown, but I have a soft spot for "kids" until they are about 24 when their brains grow up. When my son was heavily influenced by drugs (14-20), it took a while for him to grow up. He just turned 28 and has since fallen off the wagon. When he finally sobered up at 21, it was like he was 14 again. He had to learn all of the things he missed out on. He's currently using drugs, but I, too am hoping for change. I will be thinking of you and your dear husband. Sending virtual hugs!
JMOM

 

[tommi]

It has been a while since I have posted. Some of you might recall me writing about my stepson - a once lovely boy who has grown up into a mean and lost person diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Bio mom has a personality disorder in addition to bipolar and they are peas in a pod. He also uses drugs on the regular (just like she does.)

My husband deals with his son directly; I offer support from behind the scenes. We have been hanging in there through several failed rehab attempts (failed because our son chose to walk out), an ongoing struggle to find permanent supported housing (he gets kicked out of halfway houses and shelters for basically being a massive pain in the ass), and several hospital stays - the latest after he was jumped and beaten to a pulp by some 'friends.' He blamed my husband for damaging his reputation on the street by calling the paramedics, even though he required assistance to breathe at the time. I am at the point where I am ready to let him go.

Last night I overheard a phone call between husband and son. Son gets a disability check which my husband and I manage by paying his monthly expenses, and then dividing the rest into a daily allowance. It is never, never enough. Getting a job is out of the question because he does not like other people telling him what to do (his words.) My husband is harassed daily on the phone for more money, more money, more money. I have tried to encourage my husband to be ok with not answering these phone calls after his daily allowance has been sent. But until last night I was not aware of the level of verbal and emotional abuse my husband is swallowing.

The usual stuff that I'm sure many here are familiar with :

You have abandoned me.
You never help me.
You never believed in me.
You're living it up with your b****(me), while I'm on the streets starving.
You owe me.
If you had given me money to start my own business, like real fathers do, I wouldn't be in this situation.
You are supposed to share your money with me because I am your son.
I don't want to hear about your bills, that's BS. What about me?

I am so worried for my husband's health, in all aspects. This hateful boy is killing him. I guess I am just venting. I want him to protect himself from this abuse, but I know I can't control that. I would like for us to continue to manage his son's finances to make sure he can eat, and has a place to stay. But other than that I think we need to cut off contact, at least for now. I am worried I am going to lose my husband from four years and counting of this constant strain, which just seems to steadily escalate as the months and years go by.

We attend NarAnon and see a therapist together. Thank you for listening!

Mirabelle

Oh honey I am so sorry, But for a moment I thought you were talking about me and how my son speaks to me and only wants money and to tell me everything is my fault, and he is going on 50 years old. you are not alone.