Hi there, this is my first time posting, though I've appreciated reading others' posts for some time.
My son is in his early 20s; he and his girlfriend welcomed their first baby earlier this year.
I am not yet 40 years old, I had my son in high school. My son's father has been in and out of jail and prison his entire adult life. I can't diagnose him with anything of course, but I assume he had conduct disorder/ASPD.
When my son was in high school, he went from skipping school to carrying guns within a year. It was crazy how fast his risk-taking escalated. He was involved in robberies and violent crimes, and because of the state and county we live in, there was little we could do. School stopped supporting us pretty quickly, police wouldn't arrest him because he had no record for a long time, therapists were at a loss. Finally, I had one family therapist tell me, "He will likely be diagnosed with Antisocial Personality Disorder when he is grown. All you can do is set boundaries and take care of your other children."
The years between ages 15 and 18 were absolute hell. Phone calls in the middle of the night from police, to come and pick him up. Hoards of stolen goods in his room. Seeing him post photos of him and his friends with guns and stacks of cash on social media. He and his friends would walk into grocery stores, pop cash registers open with screwdrivers, and take the cash. We had access to his social media login and could see where he was about to commit a crime, but if we told police they wouldn't do anything, since they don't do crime prevention. Living like this drove us crazy.
My husband and I built an apartment for him in our backyard (only one room, but with plumbing, a portable washing machine, thermostat heat, microwave and kept his fridge stocked). He refused to flush the toilet and we would have to deal with it every few weeks.
It was absolutely awful. I begged him to let me get him into a mental health facility, he wanted nothing more to do with our family. On the other hand, he told any social worker, cop, or family member who would listen that my husband and I were abusing him, and this is why he was running around with gangs and committing crimes.
I hoped that after some time and space, he would come around and want to repair and reconnect. He has reached out and said as much, but it is usually followed with an all-caps message about how I am a horrible mother and have failed him.
One other difficult factor is that both of my parents have narcissistic (dad) and histrionic (mom) traits, and he will triangulate with them. Recently, my therapist diagnosed me with cPTSD, and I am working on healing and understanding myself.
I understand that having a grandchild is not a reason to put any boundaries aside, but I am so terribly sad that this has happened to our family. Grieving the life and relationship I wanted with my son in his teen and young adult years has gotten easier these past four years, but with the grandbaby out in the world, I am feeling it more intensely.
Posting here because this is the only group that I thought might understand. Thanks for reading.
My son is in his early 20s; he and his girlfriend welcomed their first baby earlier this year.
I am not yet 40 years old, I had my son in high school. My son's father has been in and out of jail and prison his entire adult life. I can't diagnose him with anything of course, but I assume he had conduct disorder/ASPD.
When my son was in high school, he went from skipping school to carrying guns within a year. It was crazy how fast his risk-taking escalated. He was involved in robberies and violent crimes, and because of the state and county we live in, there was little we could do. School stopped supporting us pretty quickly, police wouldn't arrest him because he had no record for a long time, therapists were at a loss. Finally, I had one family therapist tell me, "He will likely be diagnosed with Antisocial Personality Disorder when he is grown. All you can do is set boundaries and take care of your other children."
The years between ages 15 and 18 were absolute hell. Phone calls in the middle of the night from police, to come and pick him up. Hoards of stolen goods in his room. Seeing him post photos of him and his friends with guns and stacks of cash on social media. He and his friends would walk into grocery stores, pop cash registers open with screwdrivers, and take the cash. We had access to his social media login and could see where he was about to commit a crime, but if we told police they wouldn't do anything, since they don't do crime prevention. Living like this drove us crazy.
My husband and I built an apartment for him in our backyard (only one room, but with plumbing, a portable washing machine, thermostat heat, microwave and kept his fridge stocked). He refused to flush the toilet and we would have to deal with it every few weeks.
It was absolutely awful. I begged him to let me get him into a mental health facility, he wanted nothing more to do with our family. On the other hand, he told any social worker, cop, or family member who would listen that my husband and I were abusing him, and this is why he was running around with gangs and committing crimes.
I hoped that after some time and space, he would come around and want to repair and reconnect. He has reached out and said as much, but it is usually followed with an all-caps message about how I am a horrible mother and have failed him.
One other difficult factor is that both of my parents have narcissistic (dad) and histrionic (mom) traits, and he will triangulate with them. Recently, my therapist diagnosed me with cPTSD, and I am working on healing and understanding myself.
I understand that having a grandchild is not a reason to put any boundaries aside, but I am so terribly sad that this has happened to our family. Grieving the life and relationship I wanted with my son in his teen and young adult years has gotten easier these past four years, but with the grandbaby out in the world, I am feeling it more intensely.
Posting here because this is the only group that I thought might understand. Thanks for reading.