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Substance Abuse
Nearly 4 months on.......
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<blockquote data-quote="Sam3" data-source="post: 721517" data-attributes="member: 19290"><p>I could have written every word you did about my own son's blaming, deflection etc. and my cycle of guilt, pain, need to confirm the insanity of it, etc. </p><p></p><p>And I'm going to refer to myself here rather than give unsolicited advice. </p><p></p><p>I come here for empathy and validation among other things. We deserve that and that could be the end of it. But I also realize I need it to move through feeling brutalized, or I can't find equanimity in dealing with him. </p><p></p><p>I just can't feel sorry for myself and for him at the same time. I can rapidly cycle back and forth, but as soon as the attack is on, my defenses come up. It makes sense to me that fight or flight mode can't really support maternal feelings. </p><p></p><p>I want to be sure and gentle in keeping boundaries, and expressing faith. I think it's what the best therapists do and what mothers do when kids are in every other type of pain. I think setting up the cognitive dissonance may be useful to them. It's just that we're going first, with or without them, to this place of radical acceptance. </p><p></p><p>I think it will take a lot to get beyond my own resentment to that place. </p><p></p><p>I think I'm saying all this because it seems from your post that you expect it to go poorly if he comes home. And maybe it will. But if you go in with a feeling of dread, I think it's more likely that you will react instead of respond. </p><p></p><p>I also think it might be important to you to honor your promise with strength and an open heart.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Sam3, post: 721517, member: 19290"] I could have written every word you did about my own son's blaming, deflection etc. and my cycle of guilt, pain, need to confirm the insanity of it, etc. And I'm going to refer to myself here rather than give unsolicited advice. I come here for empathy and validation among other things. We deserve that and that could be the end of it. But I also realize I need it to move through feeling brutalized, or I can't find equanimity in dealing with him. I just can't feel sorry for myself and for him at the same time. I can rapidly cycle back and forth, but as soon as the attack is on, my defenses come up. It makes sense to me that fight or flight mode can't really support maternal feelings. I want to be sure and gentle in keeping boundaries, and expressing faith. I think it's what the best therapists do and what mothers do when kids are in every other type of pain. I think setting up the cognitive dissonance may be useful to them. It's just that we're going first, with or without them, to this place of radical acceptance. I think it will take a lot to get beyond my own resentment to that place. I think I'm saying all this because it seems from your post that you expect it to go poorly if he comes home. And maybe it will. But if you go in with a feeling of dread, I think it's more likely that you will react instead of respond. I also think it might be important to you to honor your promise with strength and an open heart. [/QUOTE]
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