Nearly 4 months on.......

Lost in sadness

Active Member
Hi All
The last time I visited this site was on the 15th June. I am sorry I did not reply to everyone. I couldn't have been more broken and I just needed to do something different and not spend my life consumed in the pain and misery inflicted by my 19year old son. You may remember he ended up in a homeless hostel, the absolute pits. To start with he appeared to be continuing in the same life and there was nothing I could do or say that would change it. I backed off a bit.

Then, one day, he put his suit on and went to the job agencies - all by himself!! He got an interview that very afternoon and got the job! I will be honest and say, I did not hold out much hope. History told me that he lasts a day doing something positive. It's been three months, and he is still there!! In fact, only today has he sent me a screen shot of his rankings. He is number one in the company and has received a bonus. I just cried. He has now been offered a contract. He works 6 days a week 9-6 and loves it! It has saved him! This weekend we moved him out of the hostel and into a house share. We have said if he makes this work and is still in a job he can move back home at Christmas.

Now, I am so proud. It is not 100% but his life is 100% better than it was 6 months ago. He comes for dinner once a week and stays over. He is respectful, polite and well behaved. There is a lot of water under the bridge and the pain is still very raw. It still feels like its hanging on a thread and I feel on edge about the possibility of him coming back here permanently. He talks about his experiences almost in disbelief that is was him and that he behaved in such a way and he does appear to be a different person.

Why can I not quite believe it? There is still a little anger and agitation in him that can be ignited but in no way how he was, so he can snap a little but no longer calls me names or swears at me. He IS still smoking weed, more than he tells us as I do still secretly read his messages! This worries me. What I don't understand is what happened to the abusive, horrible person that once was, where has he gone? Will he come back? Should I insist he does not do drugs at all or do I just be so grateful that he is doing well back on the right track.

The situation is everything i could have dreamed of, so why do I still live with a nagging doubt in my stomach. xxx


Long road but the path ahead holds hope.
First I am so very happy for this turn of events for you and your son. The doubt is there because you went through the hell you did a short time ago and know it well. It would be a reservation for all of us.

You can't make your son not do drugs nor can you control this for him. You can draw up very firm expectations and boundaries for living in your home.

What triggered the change with him? Does he know? Was it seeing the stark reality of his choices? Did he get help from any source? The change is very dramatic and I do hope it sticks.


Well-Known Member
I'm so happy that things have settled down. You are right to be cautiously optimistic. Once we have been through what we have it's hard to put that all behind us and forget.

I wonder if he was doing other drugs back then that could have caused some of the abusive behavior and now he is just using pot. Whatever reason hopefully he is finding out that his life is in his hands to make of it what he will.


Well-Known Member
That abusive boy was your son on drugs. Your son is clean. This is what happens. They change sooooo much when they get clean. It is obvious he abused and now is not.

I think this is great! He still has his entire life ahead of him. Fantastic!!

Lost in sadness

Active Member
Thank you all. I have missed you.

Can you believe it....I spoke to soon! Monday is the night he comes for dinner. Tried to talk to him about his debt (court fines, £250 mobile phone bill I paid off for him) and he got angry and shouted. Slammed the door etc. Money is an issue for him. Now that he is working he believes he should spend all the money on what he wants and burys his head about all the stuff that still needs sorting. The mess he created that he still, in part blames us for. Whenever it is mentioned he gets angry. He actually received a NTQ (notice to quit) in the homeless hostel because he refused to pay the rent. In the grand scheme of things life is so much better than it was. But...

This is the nagging doubt though.......its been confirmed this evening. My son is fine if he is doing what he wants, when he wants. When you challenge this or say something he doesn't like he still goes off on one. This is my concern. Realistically, he may never be able to come home because deep down I know it won't work and I feel on edge. How will I ever tell him that. I should feel happy. Sometimes I do. Right now I am still torn as to whether he has other issues that weed numbs for him. :(

Lost in sadness

Active Member
I'm so happy that things have settled down. You are right to be cautiously optimistic. Once we have been through what we have it's hard to put that all behind us and forget.

I wonder if he was doing other drugs back then that could have caused some of the abusive behavior and now he is just using pot. Whatever reason hopefully he is finding out that his life is in his hands to make of it what he will.

Hi Nancy
He was doing cocaine as well. Mixed with lots of alcohol. I think alcohol does not agree with him. He tends to get agitated.


Well-Known Member
Just tell him, as so many of us have had to, "My house/my rules." Thrn "You are free to do want you want in your own place, but not here. Nor may you yell and abuse me."

It does not sound as if he should come home. Like it or not, he is an adult and will have to spend his money on his bills, just like all the rest of us. He may not like it. But no matter if he throws a toddler trantrum or not, he has to adjust. This is life. You should not support him so he can buy whatever he buys. Then he will never learn. Anf hr may still be buying drugs. No way to tell.

Good luck!


Well-Known Member
Can you believe it....I spoke to soon! Monday is the night he comes for dinner.
It seems like that happens a lot! A reason why I have been hesitant to post lately. Afraid I might jinx it!

Wow, sorry he lost his temper like that, but at least you got to see that he still has some issues to work through before you consider allowing him to move back into your house. No reason to rush into any big changes, especially when he's making great progress on his own with finding and doing well in his job. All in all, good for him! That's a lot to accomplish.

The money issues will work out, or they won't. Some people go through their entire lives with their finances a disaster. But I agree with SWOT, I wouldn't help him out with any more bills or fines.


Roll With It
I am sorry he threw a temper tantrum like a 2 year old. He sure needs to do some growing up.

Why are you wanting him to move back home? He is finally out of the house, on his own, working in a good job. How long will he keep it when he is home with no real responsibilities and Mom taking care of everything? Why should he get up and go to work when he could stay home and smoke pot and chill?

He has to grow up. He needs to stay out of your house. He needs to shoulder his own bills and NOT have you pay for any of his upkeep. It is a fact of life that children grow up and leave home. One that he needs to experience. You have seen that shoving him out of the house did not produce failure. It produced a son who could get dressed and go get a job. One where he succeeded!

You should stay out of his drug use. Let him deal with that. Accept that the money you paid for his court fines and phone bill is money you will never see again. Don't let him come home to live. It would be a step backward in his growth and your growth. Neither of you needs that, and it won't help anything.

Lost in sadness

Active Member
Albatross, you are so right! As I was writing, my instinct was saying "don't write yet, its too early to breath a sigh of relief". I didn't expect it to end as it did last night though!

Susiestar, yes he needs to grow up. In some respects he is mature but in others, when things are not how he wants them, he just appears to lose control. I love him, he is my son, but I do always feel on edge around him still and I can't seem to shake the feeling.
I feel he should move home because he 'deserves to', because that is the reason he has made the change, because he is still young and wants/needs his family, because how can I say 'no', because it would be a great end and success story for him to do so. Deep down though, do I REALLY want That hurts me and I feel guilty and sad that I feel that way.

SWOT I know he is still buying weed. I am not sure he intends to change that although I wish he would. It annoys me how he goes out drinking and seeing girls and spending all his money without a care for the trouble he will be causing by not dealing with the issues that remain outstanding. He is seeking counseling to deal with the anger and sadness of how his life ended up but I still firmly believe he blames us and truly believes that we did this to him. I still find myself explaining what REALLY happened but he is usually shouting over me with things like "will it ever be enough for you, Im really trying, Ive worked so hard etc etc". I know this is true but the point he appears to miss is that he is doing this to get himself out of the sh*t HE caused himself.

I am thrilled he has a job he loves, I am pleased he is out of the homeless hostel, it is real progress but he believes he has done enough to come home now and I feel I am dragging him down and hurting him but not allowing it but my instinct just says no.

Still so hard......and yesterday when I first wrote I thought it was because it was positive. As I write I realise that just parts of it are positive. Thank you all. xx


Well-Known Member
My attitude is different.

I think we as mothers want to believe that our adult kids (and many 18 year olds are serving our country) want to come "home" (it is our home, not theirs) because they love us so much and want to be with us. I couldnt disagree more. A healthy young adult shows how much they love us by saying "you did such a great job that I can now leave the nest and be secure. Thanks for helping me grow up, Mom and Dad.i will still visit and love you, but I need to follow your example and make it on my own!"

When over 18s want to come home to mom and dad in my opinion it is usually not to get our love...they have that no matter where they are. It is usually to dodge bills, have us pay for them, do the laundry (all my kids, even autistic son) have done this since age twelve, and to also have extra money often to buy booze, drugs, and stay partying children.

Adult children resent our rules in general and tend to regress while living with parents. The parent/child dynamic tends to play out. It is not a good thing usually unless the adult is severely disabled and child like and willing to follow our rules.

It goes against what we wish (me too) that our adult children love us so much that they want to stay at our side. But that is not what adults truly want to do. Did you want to live with Mom at 19? 25? 30? Of course not. Did the fact that you wanted your independrnce mean you no longer loved your family? Of course not.

The norm is that young adults want independence. I feel that if they beg to come home it is not about us but them. They like the ease, the extra money, the meals, the delaying of growing up. It is not because they love us so much...they love us when they move on. All of my particular kids moved out by 20, even autistic son. All are self supporting. All call me and tell me they love me all the time. Even Bart, my hardest.

I dont think its smart (you can disagree) to encourage adults to come live with us. Unless we can tolerate their disobeying our rules. Unless we dont mind if they dont grow up.Even disabled adult kids, like my autistic son, need to learn how to access services and live on their own. We can not live forever. We must prepare them for that day.

At some point our adult kids stop needing a mommy who puts bandages on knees and needs a strong Mother, a friend, a rock, someone to talk to as they navigate life as independent adults. I would not bring an adult child back to us. It in my opinion does not serve anyone.

We can be Mom and be there for them without having them in our space. That doesnt help them. It doesnt help us. They need to be on their own. Blaming us for their problems is a manipulation. They are adults and need to get over it. Every person on earth has "problems." So what? Only that person can get help to get over them. Do all of us have no problems?

Did we live with Mom?

Off the soap box ;)
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Active Member
I relate to that dynamic -- seeing positive signs as signposts and then experiencing something old that makes you feel like a chump.

Maybe the same thing that erases memories of the pain of childbirth, also erases memories of past disappointments and lets us reset our hopes.

Just a couple weeks ago, I started a post with "I spoke too soon.". And I've also thought many times that I don't want to jinx progress.

I'm glad you posted this. My son has also said things like "it's never enough
for you". I don't think that's true but considering the issue from a distance (thinking about your son instead) I can see how they would see it that way.

It seems like how they make us feel in interactions is as important as their markers of independence. We can only trust their progress If they sound right too.

That makes some sense, but it feels like there's something there that we need to work on.

Insecurities can make people acutely sensitive to competition in life.

Maybe they can never see a
way to get in front of our achievements and expectations?


Crazy Cat Lady
I moved out of my parent's house and in with my fiance' at 18. We both had jobs, and in my case it was a friendly parting. In husband's case, he was done with college and done with his father. The big issue was that even though we were engaged, we couldn't so much as be in a room together with the door closed.

I moved home for a few months when husband went off to Basic and Advanced Training in the Army. My father had died by that time and it was my mother and I in an apartment together. It was NOT at all comfortable. I was definitely an adult used to being on my own, as was my mother. We did our best to stay out of each other's way, but it was not an arrangement I in any way found to be desirable or wanted to continue. It worked out to be longer than planned as husband caught pneumonia in Basic training and was delayed until the next training cycle got to where he was when he got sick, so he could pick up where he left off. I was very relieved when he graduated training and I was able to fly to meet him at Ft. Campbell. I have no doubt my mother was as well. It's not normal for kids to want to stay at home once grown, and its not normal for young adults to want to repeatedly try to come home. My sister, me, my niece and nephew, all got out of the house as soon as we old enough, finished our educations in some cases, and/or were financially able.


100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
I so agree with all that you all have said and I was able to apply that thinking to my current situation of son wanting to come home SO BAD.

He didn't want to work on himself even though he needs to do this more than anything else in life. You have to have a strong foundation. You can't move forward if you do not. He cannot move forward.

My son is a man but he does not act like one. I have not coddled him in many years.


Well-Known Member
RN, he knows how to be a man. All of our adult kids do. Your son has had intensive education in rehab. He, and all difficult adult children who shun growing up, still see men their age dressed in suits or uniforms or jeans easily going to work every single morning. They see young fathers (21-35) outdoors of their apartments or even homes, playing ball with happy children. They see families, with men their ages, eating in restaurants with their families. They know that they are acting like children in comparison to others.

Many immature men pull up their bootstraps and decide to grow up. Some join the military, get steady jobs, or go to college. I am not a fan of the theory that "their brains do not mature until 25-30" so thats their excuse. Even if this is true, most men those ages have a large enough brain to have served in the military, gone to some sort of educational facility to get a career, worked steadily without quitting, becoming husbands and fathers and not living in mom's basement, on mom's dime.

Every single one of our failure to thrive adult kids KNOW what most men their ages are doing. Some of our Peter Pan kids are just incredibly lazy or unwilling to give up drugs.

Never believe our adult kids dont know how they should be acting. And many of functioning adults have anxiety, depression, even bipolar. But they are mature enough to push on and do life anyway and to probably accept help. This unwillingness of our kids to accept good help rests squarely on the shoulders of our childlike sons and daughters.

Our adult kids turn their cheeks at the majority who are responsible...why? in my opinion it is because, for various reasons, they prefer to let dad and mom continue to meet their needs. And arent they so good at making us feel sorry for them? For making our hearts weep and temporarily believe they really cant do it? Do life? Without us?

One of our cell phone reps is in a wheel chair. His body is twisted. He cant straighten out one arm and cant walk. But he serves the customers well. Are our kids REALLY incapable??? When this young man works every day? I hate to blow my own kid's horn, but what about my autistic son who was born with crack in his system? Yet he is kind and hard working, in spite of that, and does not whine about his challenges or being adopted...difficult kids in my opinion magnify their issues. My Bart does this. Nobody has it as bad as he does...the world picks on Bart!!

It is certainly much easier four our kids to do nothing productive, if we allow it.
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100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
SWOT I completely agree with you.

Frankly it sickens me that he is refusing to grow up and I'm hoping that the next 13 months with little contact from us will help shape him in some way to be the person/man he is supposed to be.

Otherwise I just don't know.


Well-Known Member
RN, he will grow up. Slower thsn usual, but he will. You wont let him stay young. At least he will support himself.

My Bart was so slow to grow up and is now 40 and still overly dependent on me. Seriously, he is 40 and calls md every day, and will not do squat to improve his chaotic state of mind. I am fortunate that he works and pays his bills, but it is sad (and tedious) to hear day after day how his court case and ex are ruining his life (yet claim he cant afford therapy). This is a man who spends hundreds or thousands of dollars on videogames, 80 in. televisions and the like. His father pays his legal bills, although Bart makes close to six figures. He is a loving father, but his entire life is the son who he sees half the time. He wont try to make friends, find other interests besides videogames (a bit old for this obsession???), or exercise at all. He tells me he precers to stay home rather than go do ativities. A perfect weekend to him is gamig 24/7.

It is on Bart. He is miserable because he doesnt listen to anyone and wont get help. There is nobody as unlucky as him (his mindset) but he will do nothing to have a better deal with his lawsuit over custody any better. And his ex will probably keep him in court until son is 18. He needs to learn to handle this situation better. It has been going on for five years.

It is incredily frustrating, even without drugs. Bart has always been nervous, stressed, angry and sometimes abusive, but he is not anywhere as near asbusive as he was in the horrible twenties and teens! I think they do all get better or WE do!!
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