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Need advice on detaching from daughter in difficult family dynamic
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<blockquote data-quote="Rosebette" data-source="post: 636905" data-attributes="member: 18439"><p>Thank you for your advice, especially about handling the holiday dynamics. I didn't "unfriend" my daughter to hurt her, but as a way of detaching from being overly focused on her life and activities. It was also painful for me to see pictures, messages and updates that get automatically sent because it is a reminder that our relationship is broken. If I don't get on the computer and go about my daily business doing other things, I can get past it, but some of my nonprofit work goes through my personal email and I do facebooks of our events, so it is just a constant reminder. Frankly, I don't think she's even noticed I've "unfriended" her since some of the things from her get posted automatically. What I have been learning from reading a lot of threads is that parents are not the center of our children's universe, while we think about them almost non-stop, which is probably very unhealthy. Also, from what I've read on some of these threads, many parents deliberately avoid being "friends" on fb with their children because it keeps them from being excessively focused on their adult children's lives and behavior. </p><p></p><p>I don't anticipate hearing from my daughter until November probably, but I have been thinking over and over about how to handle this issue over the holiday season. I don't know if counseling is possible, as she is now living at a distance in another state. I also don't know if talking with her would work. I did try that after the incident, expressing that her brother might have been angry over the truck (which he didn't express because he was being a "good sport") rather than just the political issue and that sometimes maintaining relationships within the family are more important than proving oneself right on a political question. Her feeling, though, was that there is no excuse for ignorant political opinions and that from her educated standpoint, they should not be tolerated. I don't think I'll make much headway in that area. Incidentally, I am very similar to her politically, but have chosen to "pick my battles" and not get into that stuff with my son to "keep the peace", which I think she sees as a kind of moral compromise on my part.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Rosebette, post: 636905, member: 18439"] Thank you for your advice, especially about handling the holiday dynamics. I didn't "unfriend" my daughter to hurt her, but as a way of detaching from being overly focused on her life and activities. It was also painful for me to see pictures, messages and updates that get automatically sent because it is a reminder that our relationship is broken. If I don't get on the computer and go about my daily business doing other things, I can get past it, but some of my nonprofit work goes through my personal email and I do facebooks of our events, so it is just a constant reminder. Frankly, I don't think she's even noticed I've "unfriended" her since some of the things from her get posted automatically. What I have been learning from reading a lot of threads is that parents are not the center of our children's universe, while we think about them almost non-stop, which is probably very unhealthy. Also, from what I've read on some of these threads, many parents deliberately avoid being "friends" on fb with their children because it keeps them from being excessively focused on their adult children's lives and behavior. I don't anticipate hearing from my daughter until November probably, but I have been thinking over and over about how to handle this issue over the holiday season. I don't know if counseling is possible, as she is now living at a distance in another state. I also don't know if talking with her would work. I did try that after the incident, expressing that her brother might have been angry over the truck (which he didn't express because he was being a "good sport") rather than just the political issue and that sometimes maintaining relationships within the family are more important than proving oneself right on a political question. Her feeling, though, was that there is no excuse for ignorant political opinions and that from her educated standpoint, they should not be tolerated. I don't think I'll make much headway in that area. Incidentally, I am very similar to her politically, but have chosen to "pick my battles" and not get into that stuff with my son to "keep the peace", which I think she sees as a kind of moral compromise on my part. [/QUOTE]
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