I am very grateful for this site and found a wonderful article on detachment, which I downloaded from here. I have a challenging family -- 3 adult children, 2 boys and a girl. The oldest, 26, has mild Asperger's and is living at home with us. He works at a community college bookstore and drives a car, pays for his own car expenses and on one student loan. He's fairly calm, but still can occasionally "meltdown" at home if things get stressful. This happens only maybe once or twice a year, though. I have a younger son, 21, also at home, who may very well have had a conduct disorder -- he had experiences with drugs and some arrests in his late high school years, but is now clean, working at a good job, paying for his cars, and also living at home. While neither of these young men are probably where they should be in terms of "success" -- one has an associate's degree and one didn't finish college, and they are both still living at home -- other than issues around housework, the household is pretty peaceful, and I am extremely grateful for the younger son's recovery and our current good relationship. Meanwhile, I also have a daughter who graduated from college, is living on her own. In the eyes of the world, she's the obvious "success" in the family -- academically successful, lots of friends, interesting work opportunities, etc. She recently moved to a new apartment, and my younger son allowed her to borrow his truck for 2 days -- she kept it for 4. My younger son even helped her load and tie up some of her stuff. When she returned the truck, she bought him a 6-pack, but never even paid him for gas. She is an outspoken feminist and has very strong political opinions which are the opposite from my younger son's; anyway, they got into a political argument that turned into a shouting match -- name-calling, etc. She would not let go of the argument, and continued yelling and lecturing until both young men were punching walls or on the verge of doing so. My older son had a meltdown, and the whole house was in chaos. In anger, I actually suggested she leave, which she did -- riding her bike to the train station, but her dad felt bad and picked her up at the train station and let her stay the night. The next morning, she went on her way, leaving us shattered and picking up the pieces of the emotional wreckage she created. I am anxious about upcoming holidays because emotionally I don't think I can take that level of chaos over Thanksgiving and Christmas. Certainly, having her at a family gathering where say, my 83-year-old mother is present and risking that there might be another explosive argument, would be too stressful. I am considering detaching from her for a period and not inviting her to the home or family gatherings for a while. She has a strong support network of friends, as well as a boyfriend, so I don't think she would be "missing out" and often sees being with us as a chore anyway, especially since she really despises her brothers. I think she probably would just go to her boyfriend's family for the holidays or be with friends. To provide a little more context, I have always been very close to my daughter, but over her move crossed some boundaries expressing my opinion of where she was moving and the opportunities there, and that was also a bone of contention that night. So, it's clear that detachment is something that I need to practice -- to keep in mind that this is her life and she can make her own choices. Clearly, I am also at fault in this situation, as part of the family dynamic was that I may have been favoring her; even after she graduated, I would always brag about her accomplishments, possibly making her feel superior to her brothers so that she now feels she has the right to berate them. Now, painful as it seems, I feel that I need to tell her that due to the emotional chaos she created, she isn't welcome in our home for a while. I've already done a few things to set up detachment, such as "unfriending" her on facebook (I often would get notifications about her activities, and her picture was even on my facebook page -- of course, I enjoyed following what she was up to as she's had some interesting jobs and accomplishments), partly because I think my following her achievements is dysfunctional and also partly because it's now painful for me to see her picture or messages about some event or activity that we might have shared in the past. Clearly, the detachment is going to be more painful for me than for her; with her busy life and many friends, she'll probably move on pretty easily, while I will be consciously giving up the "mother-daughter" get-togethers we'd have from time to time. Sorry this is such a long post, but this is a complex situation. In some ways, the person I'm detaching from is actually the "neurotypically normal" child, which I guess is somewhat unusual.