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Need Advice on How to Deal with Teen Daughter Argument and Estrangement
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 399434" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>This is a tough situation. You very much do need to work on detaching because at her age there is little you can do, realistically, about her behavior. You CAN cut off financial support to her. You are required to provide a mattress, blanket and pillow, privacy to change clothes, clothing to cover her body (NOT what she wants or "has" to have or she will "just die") - 7 shirts, 3-4 prs of pants, 7 pr underwear, 3-4 bras, 7 pr socks, and 1 pr shoes. 1 coat, 1 hat, 1 pr gloves/mittens (hat and gloves are optional if the coat has a hood and pockets). This is per social services. Her clothing does NOT have to be new. Foster kids in OK get $50 and a trip to the Salvation Army or Goodwill - twice a year. This was 7 yrs ago, now they get $30 each trip. I learned this hwen my difficult child was 12 and spent 4 mos in a locked psychiatric hospital ward because he was having major problems. They encouraged me to NOT bring him shirts every few weeks, or other pairs of pants, etc... In fact he tore up week old gym shoes the first week he was there. I was not allowed by the social worker to replace them. He had peeled the sole away from the upper on almost the entire front half of the shoe. They gave him some duct tape and made HIM fix them. A month later I stopped and bought the cheapest gym shoes in his size at kmart. They didn't hold up well but he didn't purposely tear them up either - which was a first for us. She is NOT required to have a vehicle, phone, computer use, makeup, acne treatment (unless medically neccessary), or even shampoo/soap she likes. You CAN give her a bar of soap to wash her body and hair if you want. </p><p> </p><p>Basically anything else is a PRIVILEGE, regardless of what she says/wants/her friends have. I am sure your ex will give your daughter the things she wants as he doesn't want her to "dislike" him. Sadly, his strategy of no rules is very much likely to backfire on him in the long run. I had some friends/classmates with virtually no rules when I was a kid. Most of them have either a bad relationship or no relationship with their parents. their view now is that their parents didn't love them enough to care what they did. they did all kinds of crazy, stupid, dangerous things and if their parents had any reaction it was to aide and abet them - giving them cash day after day after day when the parent was well aware that it was buying drugs/alcohol/fireworks, giving them rides to bars, paying for their fake licenses or letting them have a parent's license if the kid looked like the parent, etc... These people are fairly strict parents because they don't want their kids to think that they don't love them. Two of them (one a guy, one a woman) have each actually SAID that to me. I am sure your ex is taking the least-resistance path to parenting, but the actual result is a child who thinks he doesn't care and who is scared because there are no limits. That is deep down and NOTHING she will admit for years and years to come. But it is something you can hold in your heart to help you make it through to the time that you have a better relationship.</p><p> </p><p>If I hadn't been TOLD this by adults who I knew were raised by "whatever-you-want-is-that-enough-money-how-about-$20-more-just-in-case" parents, I wouldn't believe it. But I have heard it and I believe it. </p><p> </p><p>For now, keep working iwth your therapist on detaching. Make time and space in your life for things that refresh and renew your spirit and try to eliminate or reduce things that are toxic to your spirit and self. I have found that guided meditation can be a great help. </p><p> </p><p>What do you do when she is supposed to be with you and she disappears? Have you considered calling the police? Is there any sign that she is using drugs or alcohol in any amount? Is your ex allowing this? Do you have access to her email and/or facebook? Consider possibly creating a facebook page of your own with a fake name and email - make it someone that she would accept as a friend (most kids have people from other states that they have never met in their list of "friends", so it should be doable, at least for a while". Then if/when you see her doing things that she should not be doing, print them off. That way you have proof of what she is doing if you need it for court. many many kids post pics of themselves partying with drugs and alcohol, even having sex with people (ick). If they delete the picture later it won't show up again UNLESS someone has saved it to their own page or has printed it off. I would most likely NOT confront her with these things unless you learn of them from other sources - you don't want her to know you have that fb account. yes, it is devious, but it is a way to protect her also.</p><p> </p><p>When she leaves your home with-o permission she is running away and it IS something that you can call the police about. They have to at least take a report. I would start calling them EVERY time she leaves with-o permission. I would also report her if she does not go to school. At her age custody is usually given to the parent that the child wants to live with unless it can be shown that the parent is not fit. You should discuss how the judge would look at the reports of running away with your lawyer. If she is allowed to be gone all night any time she wants to, or to do whatever she wants whenever seh wants, some judges will see that as unfit parenting and will not give custody to parents who allow that. They may even push parenting classes, etc... onto parents who allow that. A LOT depends on the judge. Ditto for running away. While the police likely will not do much besides take a report the first couple of times, eventually she will wind up before a judge and will have to face those consequences. She has the power to avoid that - it is called staying home when youa re supposed to. </p><p> </p><p>If you have ANY suspicions of drug/alcohol use (and given the coming and going at all hours it is pretty likely, in my opinion), drug test her. You can get a kit at the drugstore and mail it off. Even Walmart sells them. She won't be happy, but that isn't the real issue. You can also get tests that you send off hair and that is tested for drug use. Hair tests go back a long time, rather than the days or week that a urine test shows. You can actually see back several months, depending on how long the hair is. </p><p> </p><p>You need to decide how much to force things. If she won't talk to you, what does she count on you to pay for? I would keep her phone on to encourage communication, and then stop giving her money for anything else. If you pay for school lunches, put the money on an account at the school. If you pay for her hair cuts, nails, allowance, car, insurance, gas, <em>anything</em>- stop paying it until she is willing to do what you feel is crucial. </p><p> </p><p>For more help/support/ideas, I highly recommend the book "Parenting Your Teens with Love and Logic". The people who wrote it also have other excellent books - you can learn more about the books and their ideas at <a href="http://www.loveandlogic.com" target="_blank">www.loveandlogic.com</a> . The book is available at a lot of bookstores and amazon and from their website. I hope some of this helps.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 399434, member: 1233"] This is a tough situation. You very much do need to work on detaching because at her age there is little you can do, realistically, about her behavior. You CAN cut off financial support to her. You are required to provide a mattress, blanket and pillow, privacy to change clothes, clothing to cover her body (NOT what she wants or "has" to have or she will "just die") - 7 shirts, 3-4 prs of pants, 7 pr underwear, 3-4 bras, 7 pr socks, and 1 pr shoes. 1 coat, 1 hat, 1 pr gloves/mittens (hat and gloves are optional if the coat has a hood and pockets). This is per social services. Her clothing does NOT have to be new. Foster kids in OK get $50 and a trip to the Salvation Army or Goodwill - twice a year. This was 7 yrs ago, now they get $30 each trip. I learned this hwen my difficult child was 12 and spent 4 mos in a locked psychiatric hospital ward because he was having major problems. They encouraged me to NOT bring him shirts every few weeks, or other pairs of pants, etc... In fact he tore up week old gym shoes the first week he was there. I was not allowed by the social worker to replace them. He had peeled the sole away from the upper on almost the entire front half of the shoe. They gave him some duct tape and made HIM fix them. A month later I stopped and bought the cheapest gym shoes in his size at kmart. They didn't hold up well but he didn't purposely tear them up either - which was a first for us. She is NOT required to have a vehicle, phone, computer use, makeup, acne treatment (unless medically neccessary), or even shampoo/soap she likes. You CAN give her a bar of soap to wash her body and hair if you want. Basically anything else is a PRIVILEGE, regardless of what she says/wants/her friends have. I am sure your ex will give your daughter the things she wants as he doesn't want her to "dislike" him. Sadly, his strategy of no rules is very much likely to backfire on him in the long run. I had some friends/classmates with virtually no rules when I was a kid. Most of them have either a bad relationship or no relationship with their parents. their view now is that their parents didn't love them enough to care what they did. they did all kinds of crazy, stupid, dangerous things and if their parents had any reaction it was to aide and abet them - giving them cash day after day after day when the parent was well aware that it was buying drugs/alcohol/fireworks, giving them rides to bars, paying for their fake licenses or letting them have a parent's license if the kid looked like the parent, etc... These people are fairly strict parents because they don't want their kids to think that they don't love them. Two of them (one a guy, one a woman) have each actually SAID that to me. I am sure your ex is taking the least-resistance path to parenting, but the actual result is a child who thinks he doesn't care and who is scared because there are no limits. That is deep down and NOTHING she will admit for years and years to come. But it is something you can hold in your heart to help you make it through to the time that you have a better relationship. If I hadn't been TOLD this by adults who I knew were raised by "whatever-you-want-is-that-enough-money-how-about-$20-more-just-in-case" parents, I wouldn't believe it. But I have heard it and I believe it. For now, keep working iwth your therapist on detaching. Make time and space in your life for things that refresh and renew your spirit and try to eliminate or reduce things that are toxic to your spirit and self. I have found that guided meditation can be a great help. What do you do when she is supposed to be with you and she disappears? Have you considered calling the police? Is there any sign that she is using drugs or alcohol in any amount? Is your ex allowing this? Do you have access to her email and/or facebook? Consider possibly creating a facebook page of your own with a fake name and email - make it someone that she would accept as a friend (most kids have people from other states that they have never met in their list of "friends", so it should be doable, at least for a while". Then if/when you see her doing things that she should not be doing, print them off. That way you have proof of what she is doing if you need it for court. many many kids post pics of themselves partying with drugs and alcohol, even having sex with people (ick). If they delete the picture later it won't show up again UNLESS someone has saved it to their own page or has printed it off. I would most likely NOT confront her with these things unless you learn of them from other sources - you don't want her to know you have that fb account. yes, it is devious, but it is a way to protect her also. When she leaves your home with-o permission she is running away and it IS something that you can call the police about. They have to at least take a report. I would start calling them EVERY time she leaves with-o permission. I would also report her if she does not go to school. At her age custody is usually given to the parent that the child wants to live with unless it can be shown that the parent is not fit. You should discuss how the judge would look at the reports of running away with your lawyer. If she is allowed to be gone all night any time she wants to, or to do whatever she wants whenever seh wants, some judges will see that as unfit parenting and will not give custody to parents who allow that. They may even push parenting classes, etc... onto parents who allow that. A LOT depends on the judge. Ditto for running away. While the police likely will not do much besides take a report the first couple of times, eventually she will wind up before a judge and will have to face those consequences. She has the power to avoid that - it is called staying home when youa re supposed to. If you have ANY suspicions of drug/alcohol use (and given the coming and going at all hours it is pretty likely, in my opinion), drug test her. You can get a kit at the drugstore and mail it off. Even Walmart sells them. She won't be happy, but that isn't the real issue. You can also get tests that you send off hair and that is tested for drug use. Hair tests go back a long time, rather than the days or week that a urine test shows. You can actually see back several months, depending on how long the hair is. You need to decide how much to force things. If she won't talk to you, what does she count on you to pay for? I would keep her phone on to encourage communication, and then stop giving her money for anything else. If you pay for school lunches, put the money on an account at the school. If you pay for her hair cuts, nails, allowance, car, insurance, gas, [I]anything[/I]- stop paying it until she is willing to do what you feel is crucial. For more help/support/ideas, I highly recommend the book "Parenting Your Teens with Love and Logic". The people who wrote it also have other excellent books - you can learn more about the books and their ideas at [URL="http://www.loveandlogic.com"]www.loveandlogic.com[/URL] . The book is available at a lot of bookstores and amazon and from their website. I hope some of this helps. [/QUOTE]
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