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General Parenting
Need Advice on How to Deal with Teen Daughter Argument and Estrangement
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<blockquote data-quote="DDD" data-source="post: 399555" data-attributes="member: 35"><p>I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. Teen years are difficult for all parents but even more so when a difficult child is involved. I think joint family therapy sessions are a good idea but a few hours with a therapist is not going to solve the problems. At best it will allow you all to hear what she really thinks...or says she really thinks.</p><p> </p><p>Having raised eight teenagers I csn assure you that most of them go thru cycles of rebellions etc. Some of them pull out of it and wonder later why they were so contrary. Others define themselves by their unruly choices. What can you do?</p><p> </p><p>My suggestion is to sit quietly and calmly by yourself and write down all the issues. Then figure out which are of the most importance in setting guidelines that you will stick to and which are more flexible. For example, if she keeps her room like a pig sty...is that worth fighting about? To some parents it is. To most of us we decide to let it ride and just make a rule</p><p>that the door must stay shut. Curfews are another thing to analyze. Are your curfews adaptable to what is going on in her life? Obviously she can't stay out all night...but...if she is attending an acceptable function is her curfew reasonable for that evening. I've known parents who set, for example, a 10 PM curfew no matter what. In my family the teens had to share where they wanted to go, who they were going with and what time they thought was reasonable. Never did I allow</p><p>them just to "go" with no discussion in advance. Yes, they were often late but the repercussions weren't mindboggling. They just lost permission to go out the next time. And yes if they called to tell me they were running late I usually thanked</p><p>them for calling and adapted to the circumstances. </p><p> </p><p>I believe the biggest goal is to avoid small issues and concentrate on bigger ones with consistent enforcement. Ideally all the adults in their life agree on ground rules. Most often it is not that easy. Showing <strong>no </strong>emotion in front of the teens is the best method. They <strong>want </strong>to <strong>know </strong>that their "(insert ugly word) Mother" <strong>always </strong>insists on X, Y and Z. You can not be their friend. You are the "insert ugly word" Mom. </p><p> </p><p>Consistency is the key. Never let them see you sweat. Absolutely never let them see you cry. Stick to the rules and if a particular rule is causing regular problems see if there is a workable compromise...if not...so sad, too bad. You make the rule based on love because you're the Mom. on the other hand, try to make sure she knows that you are always available to listen.</p><p>You may hear some bad stuff...if so react as a supportive loving Mom. It can take years to build this relationship. It will not happen if you let eighteen months pass and then explode. Take it one day at a time. Good luck. DDD</p><p> </p><p>PS: Custody and control are complex issues. You can not control bioDad. If she does end up living with him (yes, I do know that thought scares you) she just needs to know that you are there and love her.Eventually she will figure out that your way was the loving way.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="DDD, post: 399555, member: 35"] I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. Teen years are difficult for all parents but even more so when a difficult child is involved. I think joint family therapy sessions are a good idea but a few hours with a therapist is not going to solve the problems. At best it will allow you all to hear what she really thinks...or says she really thinks. Having raised eight teenagers I csn assure you that most of them go thru cycles of rebellions etc. Some of them pull out of it and wonder later why they were so contrary. Others define themselves by their unruly choices. What can you do? My suggestion is to sit quietly and calmly by yourself and write down all the issues. Then figure out which are of the most importance in setting guidelines that you will stick to and which are more flexible. For example, if she keeps her room like a pig sty...is that worth fighting about? To some parents it is. To most of us we decide to let it ride and just make a rule that the door must stay shut. Curfews are another thing to analyze. Are your curfews adaptable to what is going on in her life? Obviously she can't stay out all night...but...if she is attending an acceptable function is her curfew reasonable for that evening. I've known parents who set, for example, a 10 PM curfew no matter what. In my family the teens had to share where they wanted to go, who they were going with and what time they thought was reasonable. Never did I allow them just to "go" with no discussion in advance. Yes, they were often late but the repercussions weren't mindboggling. They just lost permission to go out the next time. And yes if they called to tell me they were running late I usually thanked them for calling and adapted to the circumstances. I believe the biggest goal is to avoid small issues and concentrate on bigger ones with consistent enforcement. Ideally all the adults in their life agree on ground rules. Most often it is not that easy. Showing [B]no [/B]emotion in front of the teens is the best method. They [B]want [/B]to [B]know [/B]that their "(insert ugly word) Mother" [B]always [/B]insists on X, Y and Z. You can not be their friend. You are the "insert ugly word" Mom. Consistency is the key. Never let them see you sweat. Absolutely never let them see you cry. Stick to the rules and if a particular rule is causing regular problems see if there is a workable compromise...if not...so sad, too bad. You make the rule based on love because you're the Mom. on the other hand, try to make sure she knows that you are always available to listen. You may hear some bad stuff...if so react as a supportive loving Mom. It can take years to build this relationship. It will not happen if you let eighteen months pass and then explode. Take it one day at a time. Good luck. DDD PS: Custody and control are complex issues. You can not control bioDad. If she does end up living with him (yes, I do know that thought scares you) she just needs to know that you are there and love her.Eventually she will figure out that your way was the loving way. [/QUOTE]
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