Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Substance Abuse
Need advice
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 636889" data-attributes="member: 15801"><p>One of the major things I have learned in alanon is that I dont have control over other peoples lives or decisions. I know this in theory but when it comes to hard choices and decisions it is really hard not to jump in and try to fix things... and yet that is what we have to do. I get that you are not enabling your niece, in fact what you want is for the system to hold her accountable and not let her take advantagea of this other woman. Yet in your own way but jumping in, interfering, getting involved you are in a sense trying to control the outcome, whatever that is. In a way it is enabling this other woman not to take a stand with your niece, enabling her to keep enabling in a sense.</p><p></p><p>Now I can see situations where it might be the right thing to do this... if for example the other woman is an elderly grandparent... or for some reason is not really competant to take a stand. From what you have said it doesnt sound like that is the case but it is why I asked about your relationship with this other woman. I can see circumstances where it would be appropriate to step in.</p><p></p><p>But if this other woman is a competant adult then I think you need to step back and not try to control the situation.</p><p></p><p>I say this as someone who likes to have control of situations. This has been a hard lesson to learn. I have had to step back from my son but also to let things fall where they may. There are other people in his life I would like to "warn" but that will get me no where. People have to figure this stuff out for themselves.</p><p></p><p>Really all you have control over is yourself... and it is important that you set your own boundaries... you cant set other peoples boundaries. In fact I think it violates others boundaries to try and set them for them.... </p><p></p><p>TL</p><p></p><p></p><p>Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 636889, member: 15801"] One of the major things I have learned in alanon is that I dont have control over other peoples lives or decisions. I know this in theory but when it comes to hard choices and decisions it is really hard not to jump in and try to fix things... and yet that is what we have to do. I get that you are not enabling your niece, in fact what you want is for the system to hold her accountable and not let her take advantagea of this other woman. Yet in your own way but jumping in, interfering, getting involved you are in a sense trying to control the outcome, whatever that is. In a way it is enabling this other woman not to take a stand with your niece, enabling her to keep enabling in a sense. Now I can see situations where it might be the right thing to do this... if for example the other woman is an elderly grandparent... or for some reason is not really competant to take a stand. From what you have said it doesnt sound like that is the case but it is why I asked about your relationship with this other woman. I can see circumstances where it would be appropriate to step in. But if this other woman is a competant adult then I think you need to step back and not try to control the situation. I say this as someone who likes to have control of situations. This has been a hard lesson to learn. I have had to step back from my son but also to let things fall where they may. There are other people in his life I would like to "warn" but that will get me no where. People have to figure this stuff out for themselves. Really all you have control over is yourself... and it is important that you set your own boundaries... you cant set other peoples boundaries. In fact I think it violates others boundaries to try and set them for them.... TL Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Substance Abuse
Need advice
Top