Need advice

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by mali, Oct 8, 2014.

  1. mali

    mali New Member

    Newbie here. Looking for advice and direction. My niece age 32 has had issues with drugs and retail theft. She is a felon and was recently released from a 9 month stay in the county jail. None of her family including myself would take her in our homes as she has stolen from is all. She completed a 4 month rehab program while in jail this time. And several years ago spent a month in a private treatment. She talks the talk about making the right choices however as many of you know there is never the follow through.
    Upon her release she moved in with a woman she had met at a bible study. 4 weeks later she steals this woman's credit card and buys debit cards at a local store. The woman obviously wants her out of her home and as of now does not want to press charges. Local shelters have huge waiting list. My niece apparently has a compulsive disorder and stole and was drug free. Do I call her probation officer? Her court mandated counselor. Just so frustrated and no clue on how to get her out of this woman's house. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
  2. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I guess I am wondering why you are invovled? Is this woman she is living with a friend of yours or what? Unless you have a really good reason to, I would just stay out of it all together. Let this woman figure out what she wants to do... she certainly has options...she could call the police, she could call the court, she could file a complaint etc. Eventually the legal system will catch up with your niece but I think it could create all kinds of family issues for you if you jump in and interfere with the natural process of things.


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  3. mali

    mali New Member

    I'm involved Because she is family!!! I am not an enabler far from
    It. My question was do I call her PO officer and or her mental health counselor. The woman who took her in is a woman of strong faith and thought if she found god she would be healed.

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  4. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I wasnt suggesting you were enabling her. I get that you are not doing that. However I am wondering why you are in a sense trying to solve this other womans problems? I dont know what your connection is with her. Is she not able to solve them herself?


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  5. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    My thought would be to do neither. The woman who she stole from needs to take the actions. Your niece needs to take action. You had nothing to do with any of it so you really don't have any need to take actions.

    However, if I am hearing what I think I am hearing you want to help the woman who took her in evict her from the house. You may also be wanting to help your niece get further help since it is obviously not her addiction that causes her to steal. If that is the case then you could contact the parole officer which could get her put back in jail for further treatment and out of the house. I doubt the jails offer much in the way of treatment for cleptomaniacs (sp?). If that is what the issue is? We have no way to know.

    If you contact the Mental Health Provider they could possibly offer treatment due to the new information. They wouldn't be able to force her out of the home though. They might also be required to report it depending on the crime which would bring the parole officer back into play.

    The only way to ensure the police stay out of it is to have the woman evict your niece.
  6. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Family or not, in my opinion it is not a good idea to get involved in other people's problems. It just causes anger and starts drama.

    This lady from the bible study is a grown woman and she knows she can easily get this niece out of her house by calling the cops. If she chooses not to, it's none of your business. As for the parole officer, I'd let it go. It's really not your business. Go on with your own life. We are not put on earth to keep an eye out for everyone who happens to be related to us, especially adults. And we can't take care of those they involve in their lives. Your niece is one of those people who will probably perp on a lot of people and you can't even know who they all are, let alone warn them all. Likely, your niece went to bible study, not out of love of God, but to find a sucker who wants to do good. And likely she will do it again and again. You can't change that and I have no idea why you'd want to be caught up in this.

    As for calling the parole officer on niece, that's a good way to get this sick individual angry at you and lord only knows how she'd retaliate. I'd let it go and move on.

    I'm with the other two ladies on this.
  7. mali

    mali New Member

    Don't want to sound snarly here but I'm not looking for an opinion on whether it's my business or not. My goal is to help this woman get her out of her house. And yes the woman is an adult the offender is an adult and I am an adult. Like I said I'm not an enabler. I understand I can't fix her or control her actions or rescue her. But I also just don't throw people
    With diseases whether it's drugs or mental health issues to the curb. So my question to contact her counselor and or PO is merely to keep the authorities and dr informed.

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  8. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    We aren't trying to tell you to throw anyone away or control them we are trying to give you some advice that keeps you out of any drama that could occur. It's not enabling to report someone, and if you feel it is your responsibility to do so then you should. No one here is against doing the right thing.

    Unfortunately reporting her may or may not work out well for anyone involved. Most of us here try to avoid being the person who deals with the backlash when we can. We don't avoid it for selfish reasons we avoid it because of past experience. Things don't always go well. Will you be able to handle it if your niece decides to be angry with you? Can you handle it if the woman she lives with winds up embroiled in a legal battle because of this? Can you handle it if your nieces family decides to be angry at you? Basically what I am saying is can you handle the fallout?

    Sometimes the best of intentions can be misconstrued by sick individuals. They can be turned around and used against you like weapons. The worst part is that after you have been wounded by the individual you tried to help that individual usually wont go get the help/treatment you were trying to get them. They will continue the way they were and now have one less person they can turn to after they write you off.

    Sound harsh? It is. It is also painful and humiliating. That is why so many of us offer advice and assist but don't do things for difficult child's and their enablers. In my opinion I would give the lady your niece stole from your advice. Possibly give the niece some support group numbers and urge her to do the right thing. Then I would let them decide how they are going to proceed.

    If you feel the niece is in immenent danger or is a danger to the lady then I would suggest you contact the police.

    In the long run though I think you just want to know who to call......If thats the case then call the mental health worker. Let a professional decide if the police need to be brought in.
  9. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Stay away from drama. Since all are adults, stay away. Do not steal anyone's learning moment!
  10. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    M---I am sorry about your niece. From her age, I would imagine your family has been at this all with her for years. And if her patterns are like my son's actions and behaviors, there has been a lot of drama for a long time.

    One of the healthy behaviors many of us have had to learn is to mind our own business. When I first heard that statement at an Alanon meeting I was taken aback. My son was my business! I'm his mother right?

    Wrong. Once someone is a grown adult, what they do is their business and their responsibility. This was very hard for me for a long time and sometimes it still is.

    In this case you are talking about, I think you have gotten good advice from the other posters here.

    It is hard to do---to stop participating in another person's drama. But it is necessary for your own peace and for your niece and her friends to solve their own problems.

    Another key I learned in alanon is not to force a crisis. Let things play out.

    If this woman wants your niece out of her house she can take steps to make that happen.

    It is not your responsibility to fix this no matter how much you care about these two people. It is theirs to fix.

    We welcome you here and hope you will find the peace many of us have found through using this site and other tools.
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  11. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I hope you understand no one here is judging you for helping your niece but many of us here have learned that the only way we can survive with our addict loved ones is to detach and let them face their own consequences. The woman who she is living with will have to explore legal means to get her out of there. I'm not sure any of us is equipped to tell you how to do that but we are willing to support you in detaching from the situation.

    I do not pretend that this is easy or comfortable. It is difficult and heartwrenching. You will have to decide if you want to keep saving her or you want to live your own life.
  12. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    One of the major things I have learned in alanon is that I dont have control over other peoples lives or decisions. I know this in theory but when it comes to hard choices and decisions it is really hard not to jump in and try to fix things... and yet that is what we have to do. I get that you are not enabling your niece, in fact what you want is for the system to hold her accountable and not let her take advantagea of this other woman. Yet in your own way but jumping in, interfering, getting involved you are in a sense trying to control the outcome, whatever that is. In a way it is enabling this other woman not to take a stand with your niece, enabling her to keep enabling in a sense.

    Now I can see situations where it might be the right thing to do this... if for example the other woman is an elderly grandparent... or for some reason is not really competant to take a stand. From what you have said it doesnt sound like that is the case but it is why I asked about your relationship with this other woman. I can see circumstances where it would be appropriate to step in.

    But if this other woman is a competant adult then I think you need to step back and not try to control the situation.

    I say this as someone who likes to have control of situations. This has been a hard lesson to learn. I have had to step back from my son but also to let things fall where they may. There are other people in his life I would like to "warn" but that will get me no where. People have to figure this stuff out for themselves.

    Really all you have control over is yourself... and it is important that you set your own boundaries... you cant set other peoples boundaries. In fact I think it violates others boundaries to try and set them for them....


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