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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 621534" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hi there.</p><p></p><p>Disclaimer: All of this is just my thoughts/my opinions. Take anything you feel is useful and discard the rest. As always, I could be way off here.</p><p></p><p>Sorry that your difficult child is trying to manipulate you again...we have all been there and will keep on being there again and again. The fact is, difficult child is not trying very hard to either stay clean or get a job. He is tugging at your mommy heartstrings by making excuses about curfew/safety, etc. I am wondering if this halfway house, that doesn't seem to have a clue what he is doing, would extend his curfew if he were out later because of work. Has he asked? The fact is, especially with jobs tough to get, many young adults do evening and night shift work. Some don't have cars and have to rely on public transportation. While driving in a car, he could get killed in a car accident, especially if intoxicated. He admitted he has not been going to his meetings. That's not a good sign that he wants to change for the better.</p><p></p><p>"I am depressed" may be very true. After all, most would be depressed living his life. Does he comply with treatment for his depression? Take medication? Abstain from recreational drug use? Go to therapy once a week? Depression is quite treatable, but you have to comply. Also, "I am depressed" is a mommy heartbreaker and he knows it. I always feel bad for my kids if I think they are depressed and I assume most other moms do too. But we're dealing here with a difficult child...</p><p></p><p>in my opinion he is just making more excuses not to grow up and he is getting perilously close to thirty years old. He still does not have a stable work history and can not function as an adult. He has to learn how and you would do him no favors giving in to his attempts at buying your pity if you let him wallow away at home. Nothing would change either. Our difficult children are like a merry-go-round. They go up and down and round and round and never get anywhere...and so do we, unless WE change and keep hard and fast to the changes we make toward their merry-go-round behavior.</p><p></p><p>You don't want to still be dealing with this when he is 36. Trust me, you don't. I wish I'd have taken a harder stance earlier. Worse, I wish my son's enabling father had not enabled him for so long. It did him no favors and he still can not deal with the world.</p><p></p><p>I have no idea why you are calling your son's therapist. I am not sure the therapist can even talk to you, but my guess is your son has been feeding him a load of crapola too. So you'd probbly hear what you heard from difficult child today, if indeed he will even speak to you. I do think it is VERY positive to talk to your own therapist and work on yourself and your peace of mind. When they rattle us, we are really tested. It is so hard to stay strong and steady. But, in the end, we don't help our adult kids by helping them (no pun intended).</p><p></p><p>These difficult children are so resistant to both doing things themselves and growing up. My autistic son, who has a middle-low IQ, and many challenges is harder working and far more desirous of independence than my 36 year old honor student with the superior level IQ who is both emotionally dependent on me yet often very abusive toward me. It's so puzzling...but we do need to live our own lives in spite of their attempts to keep us in "mommy" mode forever...</p><p></p><p>Light and love to you and hoping you have some peace tonight. You're doing really well!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 621534, member: 1550"] Hi there. Disclaimer: All of this is just my thoughts/my opinions. Take anything you feel is useful and discard the rest. As always, I could be way off here. Sorry that your difficult child is trying to manipulate you again...we have all been there and will keep on being there again and again. The fact is, difficult child is not trying very hard to either stay clean or get a job. He is tugging at your mommy heartstrings by making excuses about curfew/safety, etc. I am wondering if this halfway house, that doesn't seem to have a clue what he is doing, would extend his curfew if he were out later because of work. Has he asked? The fact is, especially with jobs tough to get, many young adults do evening and night shift work. Some don't have cars and have to rely on public transportation. While driving in a car, he could get killed in a car accident, especially if intoxicated. He admitted he has not been going to his meetings. That's not a good sign that he wants to change for the better. "I am depressed" may be very true. After all, most would be depressed living his life. Does he comply with treatment for his depression? Take medication? Abstain from recreational drug use? Go to therapy once a week? Depression is quite treatable, but you have to comply. Also, "I am depressed" is a mommy heartbreaker and he knows it. I always feel bad for my kids if I think they are depressed and I assume most other moms do too. But we're dealing here with a difficult child... in my opinion he is just making more excuses not to grow up and he is getting perilously close to thirty years old. He still does not have a stable work history and can not function as an adult. He has to learn how and you would do him no favors giving in to his attempts at buying your pity if you let him wallow away at home. Nothing would change either. Our difficult children are like a merry-go-round. They go up and down and round and round and never get anywhere...and so do we, unless WE change and keep hard and fast to the changes we make toward their merry-go-round behavior. You don't want to still be dealing with this when he is 36. Trust me, you don't. I wish I'd have taken a harder stance earlier. Worse, I wish my son's enabling father had not enabled him for so long. It did him no favors and he still can not deal with the world. I have no idea why you are calling your son's therapist. I am not sure the therapist can even talk to you, but my guess is your son has been feeding him a load of crapola too. So you'd probbly hear what you heard from difficult child today, if indeed he will even speak to you. I do think it is VERY positive to talk to your own therapist and work on yourself and your peace of mind. When they rattle us, we are really tested. It is so hard to stay strong and steady. But, in the end, we don't help our adult kids by helping them (no pun intended). These difficult children are so resistant to both doing things themselves and growing up. My autistic son, who has a middle-low IQ, and many challenges is harder working and far more desirous of independence than my 36 year old honor student with the superior level IQ who is both emotionally dependent on me yet often very abusive toward me. It's so puzzling...but we do need to live our own lives in spite of their attempts to keep us in "mommy" mode forever... Light and love to you and hoping you have some peace tonight. You're doing really well! [/QUOTE]
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