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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 621544" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Daze, this is the most important thing you wrote. Focus on that. You are 100 percent correct. He doesn't need to be calling you every day, five times a week, three times a week, whatever it is, to talk about his fears, problems and issues. That is what meetings are for. That is what sponsors are for. Does he have a sponsor? A good sponsor will cut through that stuff in an instant. He will say: Get up off the couch, go out there, ask questions, make something happen, and solve your own problems. Quit calling your mommy. </p><p></p><p>That is what he needs, Daze. And he knows that. But as long as he has you, a very soft place to land (listening-wise and advice-wise), he's not going to do that. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>That is what we have to do to grow up. Be sad, be mad, be discouraged, be scared, be alone. Then learn to deal with it all. These are hard things to hear from your difficult child. I know that. It pushes all of our buttons and releases all of our own fears. I understand why you are shaky and I would be to.</p><p></p><p>That is why I am limiting my contact with difficult child son right now. I am working hard to keep contact at a very minimum. Is it scary for me? Yes. As I posted here, I didn't hear a word from or about him from Wednesday morning of last week until he posted on FB Sunday afternoon at 4. He is homeless. All of my worst fears were raging (dead in a ditch, passed out in a crack house, etc. etc.). I wanted to DO SOMETHING to at least know if he was alive. I didn't do it Daze.</p><p></p><p>My rational mind knows that THIS is a chance for him to do something different, IF I can stay out of the way. My ex-husband is staying out of the way. My older son is staying out of the way. Mommy/Me is the last line of defense between him and the big old world.</p><p></p><p>But Daze, he's nearly 25 years old. If not now, when? </p><p></p><p>Here is my immediate advice:</p><p></p><p>1. Set limits on contact. Once a week for 5 minutes by phone is adequate during a tough time. He is shaky right now. He needs to find firm footing. That is up to HIM. You talking to him all the time interferes with this key life lesson he has to learn. </p><p>2. Don't go anywhere with him, appointments, etc. I don't know what LINK is, but why would you need to go? ????? </p><p>3. Don't call his therapist or anybody associated with him. That is up to him. If he doesn't do it, then he doesn't do it. </p><p>4. REMEMBER---you can't make him sober or keep him sober. You can't Daze. It sounds like he is doing much better than perhaps he was, and that is GREAT. He is still having to learn some life lessons, obviously (job, meetings etc.). Let him learn them or not.</p><p>5. He has to have Skin in the Game. I know you are so excited when he wants to do something positive (like yoga) and you want to encourage that. I get that. I would be the same way. But Daze, let him handle the mat, the class, the water bottle. That way, he builds pride in himself. If he starts to think it's too much trouble to go today, he remembers that he's spent money on this and he needs to do it. If YOU paid all of the price, what is his motivation? That goes for all extracurriculars.</p><p>6. If you are paying money for anything else, start to decrease that, Daze. Yes, he is faltering. That's when he needs to be MORE responsible for himself, not LESS.</p><p>7. Staying busy is GOOD for him. Working two jobs, if that is what he has to do, is GOOD for him. Busier is better. </p><p>8. You can't figure out his transportation to work or his curfew or what people will allow or not allow. He has to open his mouth and ask. Read #1 again. </p><p></p><p>Daze, this is a tough time for him and thus for you, as you are scared. I know, believe me I know. </p><p></p><p>Turn your energy to yourself. Force yourself to stay out of his life. He is learning something new. Let him. </p><p></p><p>Read #1 again. </p><p></p><p>Blessings and peace and hugs for you today. Keep talking to us. Take what you like above and leave the rest. I know it's hard, but Daze, this is the pathway to health for all of us---you and him.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 621544, member: 17542"] Daze, this is the most important thing you wrote. Focus on that. You are 100 percent correct. He doesn't need to be calling you every day, five times a week, three times a week, whatever it is, to talk about his fears, problems and issues. That is what meetings are for. That is what sponsors are for. Does he have a sponsor? A good sponsor will cut through that stuff in an instant. He will say: Get up off the couch, go out there, ask questions, make something happen, and solve your own problems. Quit calling your mommy. That is what he needs, Daze. And he knows that. But as long as he has you, a very soft place to land (listening-wise and advice-wise), he's not going to do that. That is what we have to do to grow up. Be sad, be mad, be discouraged, be scared, be alone. Then learn to deal with it all. These are hard things to hear from your difficult child. I know that. It pushes all of our buttons and releases all of our own fears. I understand why you are shaky and I would be to. That is why I am limiting my contact with difficult child son right now. I am working hard to keep contact at a very minimum. Is it scary for me? Yes. As I posted here, I didn't hear a word from or about him from Wednesday morning of last week until he posted on FB Sunday afternoon at 4. He is homeless. All of my worst fears were raging (dead in a ditch, passed out in a crack house, etc. etc.). I wanted to DO SOMETHING to at least know if he was alive. I didn't do it Daze. My rational mind knows that THIS is a chance for him to do something different, IF I can stay out of the way. My ex-husband is staying out of the way. My older son is staying out of the way. Mommy/Me is the last line of defense between him and the big old world. But Daze, he's nearly 25 years old. If not now, when? Here is my immediate advice: 1. Set limits on contact. Once a week for 5 minutes by phone is adequate during a tough time. He is shaky right now. He needs to find firm footing. That is up to HIM. You talking to him all the time interferes with this key life lesson he has to learn. 2. Don't go anywhere with him, appointments, etc. I don't know what LINK is, but why would you need to go? ????? 3. Don't call his therapist or anybody associated with him. That is up to him. If he doesn't do it, then he doesn't do it. 4. REMEMBER---you can't make him sober or keep him sober. You can't Daze. It sounds like he is doing much better than perhaps he was, and that is GREAT. He is still having to learn some life lessons, obviously (job, meetings etc.). Let him learn them or not. 5. He has to have Skin in the Game. I know you are so excited when he wants to do something positive (like yoga) and you want to encourage that. I get that. I would be the same way. But Daze, let him handle the mat, the class, the water bottle. That way, he builds pride in himself. If he starts to think it's too much trouble to go today, he remembers that he's spent money on this and he needs to do it. If YOU paid all of the price, what is his motivation? That goes for all extracurriculars. 6. If you are paying money for anything else, start to decrease that, Daze. Yes, he is faltering. That's when he needs to be MORE responsible for himself, not LESS. 7. Staying busy is GOOD for him. Working two jobs, if that is what he has to do, is GOOD for him. Busier is better. 8. You can't figure out his transportation to work or his curfew or what people will allow or not allow. He has to open his mouth and ask. Read #1 again. Daze, this is a tough time for him and thus for you, as you are scared. I know, believe me I know. Turn your energy to yourself. Force yourself to stay out of his life. He is learning something new. Let him. Read #1 again. Blessings and peace and hugs for you today. Keep talking to us. Take what you like above and leave the rest. I know it's hard, but Daze, this is the pathway to health for all of us---you and him. [/QUOTE]
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