Need feedback/advice

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by toughlovin, Oct 18, 2013.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Ok so if you have followed my story you know that my son just got placed in a dual diagnosis tx pgm through drug court. I had a good feeling about the place and it is very strict. My son has issues with rules and I know this will be hard for him but it is what he needs.

    So he called yesterday to see if we could get his property back from the jail, including his wallet and two phones. He got help in sending the jail the required paperwork and we did that and picked it up last night. He needs his wallet because it has his only ID in it. So we were going to bring it to him on Monday.

    So he called me today to see if we could drop it off tomorrow. We can because we will actually be near where he will be. I was asking the times he would be there and he actually may not be there when we can drop it off.... because he is going to a "sober dance". I said that sounds like fun and he made some cynical remark. I said something about well maybe you can learn to have fun being sober!!

    So I said we would bring the wallet but eh is not allowed to have a phone correct? He said true but brings the phone because I want them kept in my property here. I said why.... and he said are you coming to the support group on Monday I will talk to you about it then!! Alarm bells starting ringing.... and I knew he didnt feel he could talk freely because he is being supervised. I said why so you have it if you decide to leave? He said well yeah that and I will talk to you Monday. So I said I would drop off the wallet and some cigarettes tomorrow and would think about the phones.

    So I am of two minds. I dont want to do anything to help him walk out of another program!! on the other hand if he does leave I would want him to have a phone. And a part of me feels like s***w it it is his life, and if he walks out he will end up in jail and just let it happen.

    So what would you do?

  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    all I can do is send you {{hugs}}
  3. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Oh TL I hate that feeling...

    I would bring the phone on Monday, tell difficult child you won't just drop it off until you have discussed it. Maybe on Monday, you will have a clearer picture after support group or you can get some guidance.

    it may be that he likes the security of knowing he *could* leave? I don't know... Try not to worry too much.

  4. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Well that just sucks! My question would be who pays for the phone? If you do then I would give it to him when you feels he has earned it. If he does then technically it is his property and you don't really have a right to hold it. Not that you have to run it right over to him but?????

    Anyway I wish you the best of luck with your decisions!
  5. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    We pay for the phone so it isn't really his. The other is an iPhone that was given to him that he uses for music but does not have cell service for.
  6. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Hi TL,
    Always something isn't it? Why can't they just accept the help their given and run with disheartning when it looks like they're going to turn away from a good thing.

    If I were you? Well, since you would want him to have a phone if he leaves then I would leave the phones with him.
    You are NOT responsible for him staying or leaving. But I want YOU to be okay regardless of the outcome.

    I think it's so sad that our grown children leave us with all the "hard decisions" and questions in our minds. Please keep reminding yourself that you are NOT responsible for his choices.

    Go with your gut TL,
    Many hugs,
  7. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    TL, as we all know, there is no right or wrong answer here. We, in the SA forum, have had this discussion before about phones. I personally see giving a difficult child a cell phone as enabling. However, I totally understand the viewpoint that others have that it is a way to keep in touch so you know that your difficult child is at least alive.

    So, if that is how you feel, then I agree with LMS. Give him the phone if it will be comforting to you to know that he has it. LMS was absolutely correct that it is up to your difficult child to stay or not and witholding the cell phone won't make him do the right thing. If it was only that easy.

  8. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Agree with Kathy that this is your call and you have to go with your gut. If it were me I would probably not bring the phone. If he leaves you can always give it to him but I wouldn't help him break the rules. Or I would bring it and give to the director. It does sound to me like he is making plans to leave. I know that's not what you want to hear and I hope I'm wrong. In the end he will do what he wants to do and nothing will stop him so it may be a moot point.

    I hope this worry is for nothing TL.
  9. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Thanks all for your advice. I have talked with my husband,and we have decided not to leave the phone tomorrow. We may bring it with us Monday night and ask about it at the parents support group. I don't want to do anything at all to help him to leave. If he chooses to leave we can decide then to give him the phone or not. Reality if he ends up leaving he will probably end up back in jail and I may end up reminding him of that. My hope is that now he is local we can see him and keep encouraging him and that will help him stick it out... But yes ultimately what happens is up to him.
  10. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    My son is also in a dual diagnosis halfway house and is not allowed to have his cellphone except during the day when on the job hunt. Cellphone held by house tech. His program is very strict.