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Need help with an autistic teen
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<blockquote data-quote="kk_pdmoore" data-source="post: 459520" data-attributes="member: 12775"><p>I get you on how frustrating it can be to have a child seem like he is entitled or doesn't seem grateful. My husband who is also a step parent has had some of the same complaints as you. However, please keep in mind that your step son will mimic other's to fit in and watches other's examples of how things go. He just doesn't get it and to punish him for it is unreasonable. It's an autistic thing. He truly believes it's your job and that you are out of line for expecting him to do it. Your family has to lead by example in cases of who does what. I would just have his father sit him down. Everyone have a family meeting and come up with a reward chart. Tell him he doesn't have to but if he does this, this and this then he gets X,Y and Z. If he feels he has no choice he will not comply. It's also an autistic thing as well. Just tell him it helps everyone when everyone chips in. His father needs to be seen helping you around the house and backing you up. Once he sees everyone helping eachother and you are equal he will mimic that. It takes time. It won't happen over night and he has to feel like it's his choice. It may take some time for him to even want to do it. Positive feed back and encouragement works way better than punishment, scolding and lectures. Everytime punishment, scolding and lectures will keep you from your true goal. Being confrontational will also keep you from your true goal. It's just the way his brain works and he can't help the way he understands things any more than you can help being born a female. </p><p> One thing is for sure. You can't be his main parent and it sounds like you are taking on the responsibility of discipline. If anyone is going to get the best results from him it is going to be the people who have known him the longest and have the best possible history and bond with him. I know you financially support him but you can't just enforce your way because of it. It's not working for you and it won't work for you. I tend to agree with your husband and his grandparents. They get and understand his limitations and I don't think you do. Not to be harsh. He has a disability and the problems you are having with him are part of that disability. You have to work with it and find ways around it that are fun, encouraging and make sense to him and part of that is following his father's lead. There are things you just have to let go of and stop expecting from him for now and just build a positive, fun and loving relationship with him. Once you have that boy's heart you will never find anyone more loyal. He may not always be able to show his appreciation but he will find ways in his own way you just have to keep an eye out for them.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="kk_pdmoore, post: 459520, member: 12775"] I get you on how frustrating it can be to have a child seem like he is entitled or doesn't seem grateful. My husband who is also a step parent has had some of the same complaints as you. However, please keep in mind that your step son will mimic other's to fit in and watches other's examples of how things go. He just doesn't get it and to punish him for it is unreasonable. It's an autistic thing. He truly believes it's your job and that you are out of line for expecting him to do it. Your family has to lead by example in cases of who does what. I would just have his father sit him down. Everyone have a family meeting and come up with a reward chart. Tell him he doesn't have to but if he does this, this and this then he gets X,Y and Z. If he feels he has no choice he will not comply. It's also an autistic thing as well. Just tell him it helps everyone when everyone chips in. His father needs to be seen helping you around the house and backing you up. Once he sees everyone helping eachother and you are equal he will mimic that. It takes time. It won't happen over night and he has to feel like it's his choice. It may take some time for him to even want to do it. Positive feed back and encouragement works way better than punishment, scolding and lectures. Everytime punishment, scolding and lectures will keep you from your true goal. Being confrontational will also keep you from your true goal. It's just the way his brain works and he can't help the way he understands things any more than you can help being born a female. One thing is for sure. You can't be his main parent and it sounds like you are taking on the responsibility of discipline. If anyone is going to get the best results from him it is going to be the people who have known him the longest and have the best possible history and bond with him. I know you financially support him but you can't just enforce your way because of it. It's not working for you and it won't work for you. I tend to agree with your husband and his grandparents. They get and understand his limitations and I don't think you do. Not to be harsh. He has a disability and the problems you are having with him are part of that disability. You have to work with it and find ways around it that are fun, encouraging and make sense to him and part of that is following his father's lead. There are things you just have to let go of and stop expecting from him for now and just build a positive, fun and loving relationship with him. Once you have that boy's heart you will never find anyone more loyal. He may not always be able to show his appreciation but he will find ways in his own way you just have to keep an eye out for them. [/QUOTE]
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